-n3vEr.bE.r3plac3d-

2012-02-08T20:18:00.003+08:00

I JUST HAVE TO REMEMBER THAT THERE ARE MORE HAPPY TIMES THAN UNHAPPY TIMES. SO I JUST HAVE TO FOCUS AND MAGNIFIED THE GOOD TIMES THAN FOCUSING ON THE BAD.

I JUST HAVE TO REMEMBER THAT I LOVE HER MORE THAN ANYTHING TO JUST GIVE UP. THERE'S GOOD AND BAD IN A RELATIONSHIP, AND ONE GOOD THING IS THE WARMTH, LOVE, CARE & CONCERN WE GET IS UNCOMPARABLE TO ANY OTHER FEELINGS WE GET WHEN WE'RE SINGLE. I'VE BEEN SINGLE AND RELATIONSHIP IN MY LIFE. AND I KNOW IT'S TRUE. and it's true single have their good too, it's more fun more free, but at the end of the day it's just cold.. i'll be just... LONELY. and being in a relationship it's different. after a long hard day, i come back to know that, someone care for me, love me, be there for me, the warmth the love, something that is uncomparable. and i know many would agree about this.

I JUST HAVE TO REMEMBER THAT WHAT GOES DOWN WILL COME UP, IT IS ONLY PART AND PARCEL OF RELATIONSHIP. so i just have to know being in a relationship, it's not all about happy, there will definately be unhappiness at some part of the time. and if i give up just because of a bump, what kind of guy will i be. and there's a saying there's no overnight anger. quarrel at the day and everything will be solve by the night. ok i sucks at this. but ya, hopefully things will become just like before.. hopefully. soon. AND MOST IMPORTANTLY, REMEMBER EACH BUMP/DOWNS IS SUPPOSED TO MAKES THE RELATIONSHIP BETTER AND IMPROVED, LEARN FROM MISTAKES, IT SHOULD NOT MAKE THE RELATIONSHIP WORST!

I JUST HAVE TO REMEMBER THAT SHE'S THE BEST OF ALL THE GIRLFRIENDS.
nothing more to say, she really did alot for me.

ALL THIS MAKES ME PUT DOWN MY PRIDE AND EGO! WHAT FOR WE LOSE A PRECIOUS LOVE RELATIONSHIP TO ANGER OR NEGATIVITY? WHAT FOR PEOPLE HAVE COLD WAR THAT RISK EVERYTHING TO BE GONE! WHAT FOR ?

ISN'T WORTH IN MY MAN!

2012-02-08T03:05:00.002+08:00

confessions:

did i overdo too much just to know how she's feeling?

ever though it's out of goodwill, i think i overdo it.

stupid me! >:(

i hope i didnt hurt her. if i did, i'll be guilty like forever.

so afraid that it'll strain our relationship.

so afraid that she'll really go do what she suggested,

omg, i really overdo it.

whoever suggusted this way to get to know how a person feel should go bang the wall.

i think this is the first time it happened till this extend.

but atleast i know how she felt.

but then, after knowing it, i killed myself. i felt that i'm not a good boyfriend.

i'll reflect on myself. better to know early than never to know.

i want to apologised. but i dont think she even want to hear my voice.

should i text/call or even find her the next few days?

but will she flare up upon seeing me or my name on her phone? :(

gonna have another nightmare tonight, it's the 4th nightmare in two weeks. hais.

terrible nightmare.

to think of it, this period is the first time in my life that i really have nightmare of what have happened in reality on the day itself. i think this relationship really meant alot to me compared to others, that's why it happened.

it's so scary and haunting. makes me sweat each night.

omg, i dont want to think! must stay awake tonight!

i miss her.
oh my, i think she probably thinks that i'm a jerk right now. probably the worst boyfriend ever.
i sucks.

2012-02-07T22:57:00.001+08:00

I HOPE YOU KNOW THAT DEEP IN MY HEART
IT'S ALL ABOUT YOU.

2012-02-07T18:55:00.004+08:00

I SMILED WHENEVER I SEE YOU,
BUT I ALWAYS TRY TO CONTAIN MY HAPPINESS OF SEEING YOU WHEN I SEE YOU'RE NOT SMILING BACK. JUST TO ACT LIKE SEEING YOU IS LIKE NOTHING.
BUT IN FACT IT MEANT ALOT .
BECAUSE IT BRIGHTENS UP MY DAY ALL THE TIME!
DELIGHTING! :)

*HAVE TO REMEMBER THE FACT THAT I WANT HONEYMOON PERIOD TO BE FOREVER BUT SHE MIGHT NOT WANT IT TO BE FOREVER. SO I SHOULD STOP EXPECTING THINGS TO BE AS SWEET AS BEFORE LEAST DISAPPOINTMENTS HIT ME.

*SHOULD STOP EXPECTING THAT SHE WILL COME CLOSE TO ME OR STICK TO ME TILL OUR SHOULDERS TOUCHES SHOULDERS LIKE BEFORE LEST DISAPPOINTMENTS HIT ME.

*SHOULD NOT EXPECT THAT SHE WILL HOLD MY HAND OR KISS ME LIKE BEFORE LEST DISAPPOINTMENTS HIT ME.

*SHOULD NOT EVEN EXPECT ANY SINGLE DAMN THING LEST DISAPPOINTMENT HIT ME.

SO WHAT IF I FEELS ONE SIDED, I STILL LOVE HER ALOT AND I STILL MISS HER ALL THE TIME.

IM JUST THAT IMPERFECT!

2012-02-06T01:58:00.010+08:00

"honeymoon period is over"

i was kind of shocked infact sad & i said, there's no such thing as honeymoon period.

because i feel it's the people that make it a "honeymoon" whenever they want.

or maybe i'm the disillusioned one.

but....

i still feel excited on the thought of meeting you,

i still feel happy at the slightest thing you do for me,

i still feel nervous when it's all about you.

i still feel delighted when you remembers me when you're so busy at work or with friends.

i still feel that i can live with you forever and ever.

i still feel that you're the one that i've been waiting for.

i still feel comforting when you just hug me and tell me that everything is alright & you're with me and we still got alot of time with each other. how long have that been since i last heard that...

i still smile to myself when i see your sweet texts.

i still smile like it's the very first smile i've on Earth when you give me just a kiss on my lips/cheeks.

i still hope for your kisses and hugs each single day.

i still feel surprised and love when you suddenly kiss or hug me. it makes me so happy.

i still miss you every seconds.

i still put you first in every aspect.

i still hope each day i can find a way to see you.

i still beat around the bush at times just to find a way to see you or even hear something sweet from you. (hahhah!)

i still feel you're the uniquely one and only one.

i still worries for you all the time.

& guess what, i still act like i tried not to care about somethings when i care&worries so much.

i still wants to do everything all over again with you everything that we've done together because it'll never be bored as long as it's with you. even it's the same old thing like spending hours walking along the streets and even just sitting on the crouch watching a movie with you after cooking.

still remember the time when you said you want to settle down but no one with, and you chose me. and i was happy that i thought it's time.

how nostalgic. i smiled thinking back. (:

maybe i'm the only one that is still living in what everyone calls it, the "honeymoon period"

maybe that is why i still expect having sweet texts and having each day to start and end so sweetly................

it left a scar on my heart today. ='[

2012-01-26T20:56:00.001+08:00

When I look into your eyes it's like watching the night sky or a beautiful sunrise,
There's so much they hold
I won't give up on us even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
And when you're needing your space to do some navigating
I'll be here patiently waiting, to see what you find
Cause even the stars they burn, some even fall to the earth
We've got a lot to learn.
No, I won't give up don't wanna be someone who walks away so easily
I'm here to stay and make the difference that I can make
Our differences they do a lot to teach us how to use the tools and gifts we got ,
we got a lot at stake for us to work.
We had to learn how to bend without the world caving in
I had to learn what i've got, and what I'm not
I won't give up on us
God knows I'm tough enough
God knows we're worth it

If I Loved You Less, You’d Probably Love Me « Thought Catalog

2012-01-25T19:57:00.003+08:00

If I Loved You Less, You’d Probably Love Me « Thought Catalog

"Believe me when I say that I never intended for any of this to happen. What I mean to say is, back when we first started seeing each other, and you waited 30 minutes before responding to my texts and I got nervous speaking to you without the help of external substances, I couldn’t picture any of this happening. Perhaps I could have imagined us kissing in some restaurant, or maybe even holding hands in line at the movie theatre, but the rest of it? Well, that I could not have imagined.

I guess at this point it’s embarrassing, right? Not embarrassing like when think your lecture class starts at three, but it actually starts at two and you run in an hour late and everyone stares at you. It doesn’t make me red in the face or anything like that. It’s just humiliating. I know the way I sound when I talk about you: silly, young, a character from a Sarah Dessen novel, but mostly like someone I would make fun of. That’s the thing that embarrasses me the most — that this thing (I’d call it “this love,” but that’s precisely the type of jejune thing I despise) has turned me into someone else.

It’s that other person — that needy, grabby salesman of a person — that you don’t love, right? Is that the thing you hate about me? That neediness? That itchiness? The way I look at you, the way I change my plans for you? How I become one of those women who work at a department store and follow you from rack to rack. “Do you need anything?” “Can I help you with anything?” “Is there anything in particular today that you’re looking for?” If I cared less, would you care more? At first I was going to ask “would you care at all,” but that’s not right, is it? You care about me, you do. You value me. Probably. I mean, if someone asked you if you value me, you would say yes. You just don’t actively value me. It seems like that wouldn’t make a difference, but it makes a huge difference.

I’ve manicured my hands and dyed my hair and perfumed my skin for you and, the whole while, I’ve told myself that it would make you love me. I’ve made sure I was the funniest in the room, the wittiest in the conversation, convincing myself that it would make you change your mind. It should be noted that these are precisely the kind of facts that humiliate me. It didn’t work. None of it worked. Isn’t that funny? I mean, not ha-ha-funny, but you have to admit — there is something laugh-worthy about it. I mean, I once spent the whole day getting my hair cut and blown out because you said you’d be at a party and you didn’t even show up. HA! HA! HA! HA! HA!

I have told you so much, but there are pieces I have learned to keep hidden from you over these years. Perhaps, these are the parts I will eventually learn to compartmentalize and keep hidden from myself, as well. It’s no question in my mind: When a tree falls in the forest and nobody hears it, it does not make a sound, it did not fall.

I don’t move on well. I sit in a box labeled “Past Things.” One of those boxes that you shove in the attic or basement and you keep your childhood dolls and high school awards in it. I do not know why this is. Maybe I don’t want to move on. Do you think that’s it? I’m sorry; that’s an unfair question, isn’t it? Well, while I’m at it, can I ask more unfair questions? Is there anything I can do? I can be more honest or less harsh or less anxious or more quiet. Do you like quiet girls? I could be a quiet girl. Yes, I could certainly be one of those quiet girls. Just tell me what to do it and I’ll do it.

I’m sorry. I’m doing it again, aren’t I? The thing you don’t love about me isn’t my hair color or my laugh that’s a bit too loud or anything like that. It’s the questions. It’s the constant questions, isn’t it? "
adapted from Michelle King

2012-01-25T02:28:00.004+08:00

have you ever have the urge to speed over just to see someone dearly not because you're late but because you just want to see that person fast.

i have, and i did.

forgot to mention, ALL THE TIME

2012-01-21T13:30:00.007+08:00

"All we need is someone that walks through the up and downs together hand in hand."

when it is about love,

who doesn't like to start or end the day with a kiss?
who doesn't like to know what everyone is thinking?
who doesn't like a honest and open conversation?
who doesn't like to feel that they are important to a person?
who doesn't like to be chosen then to be leftover?

who doesn't like to be cherish like the world is ending the next moment?

who doesn't like someone that will be there for them through up and downs?
who doesn't like someone that makes them feel like they're the one and only?
who doesn't like someone that will praise them when they're good?
who doesn't like someone that will comfort them when they're down?
who doesn't like to be hug like there's nothing in the world that means more than it.
who doesn't like a sweet & long texts.

basically, who doesn't like to feel loved when they're in love! :)

2012-01-18T01:35:00.006+08:00

suddenly the world come crushing down.
family, love and everything close.

finding myself in the same situation once again,but i've learnt to trust again because of you.
you made me feel that you're different from the rest.
and i know that i love more than ever. <3

right at these moment, all i want to do is to hear your voice.

imu.

i dont know , but all i want is to love and protect.

2012-01-12T11:39:00.001+08:00

You make me happy, whether you know it or not
We should be happy, that's what I said from the start
I am so happy, Knowing you are the one that
I want for the rest of my days,
for the rest of my days, you're all of my days.
you're looking so cool, you're looking so fly,
I can't deny that when I'm staring you down
right dead in the eye, I wanna try to be the person you
want, the person you need,
it's hard to conceive that somebody like you,
could be, with someone like me

I'm happy knowing that you are mine,
the grass is greener on the other side,
The More I think, The more I wish that we
could lay here for hours, and justa reminisce.
Uh Ooh ooh!

you're looking so fresh it's catching my eye,
why oh why, did I not see this before,
the girl I adore, was right in front of me.
and now I'll take a step back,
and look in your eye and ask why,
It took so long too see, we're meant to be.

I'm happy knowing that you are mine,
the grass is greener on the other side,
The More I think, The more I wish that
we could lay here for hours, and justa reminisce.

On the good, the bad, the ugly,
the smiles, the laughs, the funny.
oh all the things we put each
other through, it's for you, for you, for you!

You make me happy, whether you know it or not
We should be happy, that's what I said from the start
I am so happy, Knowing you are the one that
I want for the rest of my days, for the rest of my days.

I'm happy knowing that you are mine,
the grass is greener on the other side,
The More I think, The more I wish that we
could lay here for hours, and justa reminisce.
Uh Ooh Ooh!

2012-01-02T21:28:00.001+08:00

it's been a long year, life's been pretty hectic.
but they say the best thing happen at the last, and nearing the end of year i met her.
it prove that the sayings is true. (:

2011 is over and here come 2012, future is unknown, what we can do know is to embrace ourselves and work how we are presently - all for our future. it's also the time to forgive and forget, only we let go of the past we can move on to the future.

alot of words and promises are for the future, picturing the future in our minds, the house, the life, the family, the job, basically every single thing that revolves around the world. it's like a fuels that keep us moving towards our future. each and everything that have happened is the foundation.

alot of people that picture themselves with a dream partner, it's all fantasy;

"People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life."

love works in an amazing way.
don't bother having expectation on your future parners.

ending abruptly,
Happy new year everyone! :)

2011-12-21T15:43:00.002+08:00

Love, it's a special day
We should celebrate and appreciate
That you and me found something pretty neat.

Love always strucks at the most unexpected timing.

and this is why we it gives us the surprises and joy that hit us deep into our heart.

It's only one month, but it was no ordinary one.

Seemingly the whole world have changed, it's like all the sad songs that i used to listen have no meaning anymore, even the darkest sky that hovered above us seems to be cheering us on.

All the mountains that stood against us is just like road humps that we easily passed through.
and all the dreams of happiness seem so true.
all we want to do is to spend the rest of our lives together, even a thousand years will be insufficient for our love.
you constructed a bridge of rainbow in my life, and that is all that enough.
i'm glad that i met you and your smile.
you makes all my uncertainties uncalled for, you gives me the warmth that no one ever give me.
most importantly, you make me believe in love again!

one thing i can be sure of is that, it'll never be a just "highs" route, there'll definately be times that are low and down period. but i want to tell you, i'll keep on keeping on, though all the ups and downs, highs and lows, braving all the storms with you.
merry monthsary my dearest!
i love you! <3

2011-12-13T17:42:00.002+08:00

And suddenly I know what all the love songs is about,
And suddenly I dont care if
its right or wrong as long as she's around,
And suddenly the things that used to sound cliche
are perfectly right in your eyes .
Perfectly right with this lady .
I know its wierd ,
But we are connected .
And in some strange and crazy way I think ,
That we have always been .
And now she's here ,
And she says she loves me .
And it feels so right ,
And In fact it feels so good
that I can't sleep at night .

you're the apple of my eye, the gem in my heart.

2011-11-24T01:24:00.001+08:00

When you're sick, i'll take care of you.
When you're happy, i'll share the joy with you.
When you're down, i'll be there to share your grief.
When you're in trouble, i'll be there to help you.
Even if i don't understand, even if i'm dumb,
i'll atleast be there to provide you an ear and a shoulder to lean on.
But will you remember me when you are experiencing all of this?
Will you think of me when the winter snows comes raining down?
Will you smile with me when spring comes blowing through?
Please tell me you will.
Believe in me,
Trust in me,
Have faith in me.
Cause i'll always be right there, for aeon years.
Just a call, no matter how far, i'll be right there.
Tell me, tell me i'm The One.

please remember me. please do.
a word from you is like the light that comes gleaming to my eyes.
i smile while looking at you from afar.
i lifted up when you talked to me.
i grief when you're sad.
my heartaches when you're hurt.
i wanted to tell you, i'll protect you.
let me take care of you forever.

2011-11-16T01:26:00.001+08:00

You don't run with the crowd
You go your own way
You light up my day
You your own kind of style
That set you apart from others
that's why you capture my heart
I know sometimes you feel
Like you don't fit in
this world doesn't know
What you have within
When I look at you
I see something rare
A rose can grow anywhere
And there is no one I know that can compare with
You got something so real
You touch me so deep
And I want to take this chance to say to you
You don't know how you touch my life
Always so many ways I just scared to try
You tought me what love is supposed to be
You saw the little things that makes you beautiful to me

you're uniqiue. you're different
llu.

2011-11-11T05:40:00.001+08:00

when the night came
and it closed in,
you cry yourself to sleep
cause the hurt is real and the pain cuts deep
all hope seems lost
with heartache your closest friend and everyone else long gone
you've had to face the music on your own.
but there is a sweetest voice from here that calls you
you're not alone, for I am here.
let me wipe away your every fear
my love, I've never left your side
I have seen you through the darkest night
let me wipe away your every tears,
i'll see u through the whole darkest period.
and i'll always be around.. for you.when you're down , i'll be around.
when you're up,i'll still be around.
when you're in trouble , i'll be around.
when you're stressed up, i'll still be around.
but will you even look right here?
always standing by.
just to have a look at you.
look through the winds&storms.
braving it through.
it's nothing but willingly

will you just look right here?
there's a person waiting for you.

2011-11-08T18:58:00.000+08:00

When love strucks, all we want to do is to fall in love to the person right next to you.

But sometimes we’re so focused on finding our happy ending we don’t learn how to read the signs. How to tell from the ones who want us and the ones who don’t, the ones who will stay and the ones who will leave. And maybe a happy ending doesn’t include a girl, maybe… it’s you, on your own, picking up the pieces and starting over, freeing yourself up for something better in the future. Maybe the happy ending is… just… moving on.

2011-10-31T22:17:00.002+08:00

Because life's too short to spend bumming around.
We're losing,
we're losing out to time,
we always lose to time.
And eventually when we all just fade away,
it'll be too late.
We realise that despite being put together,
We are all alone.
I want to hold on to something that I could believe in,
Is there anyone that accept me for who i am,
Anyone that believes in me and hold on to me like how i'll hold on to.

2011-09-25T20:35:00.001+08:00

Sometimes, you just cant forget the things that are meant to be forgotten because there are so many memories for you to cherish and lessons for you to learn. And it hurts to be thinking of these things because its something that you cant have it anymore. We just have to move on. Memories keep inside. Pretend that you are absolutely fine.

MEMORY is a way of holding on to the thing that you love, the thing you have & the thing you never want to lose. it's a fact. a pure fact.

2011-09-02T02:06:00.002+08:00

it's pretty thrilling to ask something that's in the heart for several years.
though it isn't a very positive or clear answer. but i kinda already knew this will be the reason.
Still, it kinda lift the heart up.
i'm glad that thoughout all these years, we're still around, smilling chatting hanging out.
despite all those things that had happened between us that usually could just cause any two person to be broken or drifted away. we stood strong.
quite an accomplishment i said.
just that it isn't in the context of what i wished for.
life goes on, to be a better stronger person. towards a goal which all along i've been working for.

2011-08-15T11:50:00.000+08:00

the sweetest thing on Earth can turned bitter any time.

so fulfilling yet so empty.

so in love yet so lonely.

there'll always be a tinge of blue somewhere in the heart.

All because it happened two years ago.

2011-06-28T22:19:00.000+08:00

departure is so hard to make with.
especially when you have to walk alone.
taking the each and every steps unwillingly away.
it's devastating.

i was upset, heartbroken.
in the end i was the only one walking the trail of path .
not you, not them not anyone was around.
the effort i put in to nourish you.
although i didnt expect anything in return, i was upset i got nothing in return.
although time have long makes it impossible, i was still upset when it's impossible.
each time i braved against the odds, believing one day it'll be touched.
i got pushed off each time, hit each time.
i stood right up, trying to get through the deepest of you.
no matter how many people look at me, only you that matters.

2011-06-27T05:18:00.001+08:00

how i wish God will come and save me out of this crisis right now

even though i'm under a very big crisis now, i don't want to show it out.

i just want to live as well as i can till where ever my fate lies.

till the last day, i won't shed a tear, won't show a broken smile.

i'll live happy and well.

am glad, to see friends around me living a stable life.

Let God.

it was also then i realise some of the friends that i once was close to, has distant away. feeling like a stranger.
it's there what friendship is all about?
"comes and goes"

2011-05-11T00:17:00.004+08:00

A Story that got my attention ;

There was a blind girl who hated herself because she was blind . She hated everyone, except her loving boyfriend . He was always there for her . She told her boyfriend, 'If I could only see the world, I will marry you . '

One day,
someone donated a pair of eyes to her . When the bandages came off, she was able to see everything, including her boyfriend .

He asked her, 'Now that you can see the world, will you marry me?' The girl looked at her boyfriend and saw that he was blind . The sight of his closed eyelids shocked her . She hadn't expected that . The thought of looking at them the rest of her life led her to refuse to marry him .

Her boyfriend left in tears and days later wrote a note to her
saying: 'Take good care of your eyes, my dear, for before
they were yours, they were mine . '

This is how the human brain often works when our status changes .
Only a very few remember what life was like before, and who
was always by their side in the most painful situations .

Life Is a Gift

Today
before you enjoy your future, think of those that stay with you , pull you through , lifted you up without any conditions.

Today
before you say an unkind word - Think of someone who can't speak .

Before
you complain about the taste of your food - Think of someone
who has nothing to eat .

Before
you complain about your husband or wife - Think of someone
who's crying out to GOD for a companion .

Today
before you complain about life - Think of someone who died
too early on this earth .

Before
you complain about your children - Think of someone who
desires children but they're barren .

Before
you argue about your dirty house someone didn't clean or
sweep - Think of the people who are living in the streets .

Before
whining about the distance you drive Think of someone who
walks the same distance with their feet .

And when
you are tired and complain about your job - Think of the
unemployed, the disabled, and those who wish they had your job .

But
before you think of pointing the finger or condemning
another - Remember that not one of us is without sin.

And when
depressing thoughts seem to get you down - Put a smile on
your face and think.

2011-04-27T00:42:00.002+08:00

" Sometimes when you’re young you think nothing can hurt you. It’s like being invincible. Your whole life is ahead of you and you have big plans. Big Plans. To find your perfect match, the one who completes you. But as you get older you realize it’s not always that easy. It’s not until the end of your life that you realize how the plans you made were simply plans. Because at the end when you’re looking back instead of forward you want to believe you made the most of what life gave you. You want to believe you’re leaving something good behind. You want it all to have mattered. "

2011-04-18T21:46:00.003+08:00

Don't let time control you, You control your time.

Take time to watch the sun rise.

Take time to hear the wind.

Take time to plan for tomorrow.

Take time to make a difference.

Take time to say thank you.

Take time to really care.

Take time to do it right.

Take time to reach a little higher, and time to lift another.

Take time to learn, and grow. Take time to know your passion.

Take time to speak your mind.

Take time to really listen.

Take time to lend a hand.

Take time to know life's pleasures.

Take time to be your best.

The time you take to really live, is time you'll never lose. You won't regret the time you take, to make a difference. Though you'll never be able to hide it away, time is always yours to take. The next moment is ever ready and waiting. Take from it all you can.

2011-03-15T22:59:00.002+08:00

We laugh so hard till we cry.
We reminisce about past days.
The memories we've shared since that day.
No one could ever know me the way you do.
They would never understand the things you knew.

We've acted so crazy.
Life's gone by so fast.
What's happened in these last two years?
I'm scared of the future; I'm scared of losing the past.

Life will go on and we'll both find our way,
But I will never let you face the unknown.
No matter where we end up.
Even thousands of miles from home.
I want you to know,
You'll never have to be alone.

2011-02-27T19:06:00.004+08:00

You say we are just Friends
So I go right along with you
I never want our friendship to end.
If it did I don't know what I would do.
I long to tell you what I think.
To see if you feel the same way.
But I know if you did not
Then nothing would be the same with you and me.
You say nothing can tear our friendship apart.
And so I gave you my heart.
Then at a later time
After both of our mistakes have added up.
We look to each other.
I tell you no matter whom I said that I loved.
It was only you that I gave my heart to.
Through tear filled eyes you look down at me.
You told me you feel the same way.
I said why did you not say anything?
Then you said I thought we were just friends and that's how you wanted it to stay.
So I tell you I would have went to end of the earth with you.
And you say we can go there now.
And so we do.

吳克群 - 我不難過 (原唱 : 孫燕姿)

2011-02-23T01:13:00.000+08:00

又站在你家的門口　我們重複沉默
這樣子單方面的守候　還能多久

終於你開口向我訴說她有多溫柔
雖然你還握著我的手　但我已不在　你心中

我真的懂　你不是喜新厭舊
是我沒有　陪在你身邊當你寂寞時候
別再看著我說著你愛過　別太傷痛
我不難過　這不算什麼　只是為什麼眼淚會流我也不懂

就讓我走　讓我開始享受自由
回憶很多　你的影子也會充滿我生活
我並不懦弱　你比誰都懂
雖然寂寞　這會是我　最後的寬容

抱緊我　再抱緊我
這一份感動　請你讓我留在胸口
別再說　是你的錯
愛到了盡頭　是非對錯就讓它隨風
忘了所有　過得比你快活

我真的懂　你不是喜新厭舊
是我沒有　陪在你身邊當你寂寞時候
別再看著我說著你愛過　別太傷痛
我不難過　這不算什麼　只是為什麼眼淚會流我也不懂

不要再說　或許這是最好的結果
現在分手　總好過你不愛我一拖再拖
鬆開你的手　離開你左右
我向前走　這會是我　真正的解脫

2011-02-21T00:17:00.000+08:00

like a rock that got lifted up.

2011-02-14T21:33:00.003+08:00

it's valentine day! (:

but im staying home!

sucha lonely day, all my brothers are out!

i'm all alone with my piano. time to practice.

sighzx.

love's far from me.

2011-01-18T18:34:00.002+08:00

The sky has lost it's color
The sun has turned to grey
At least that's how it feels to me
Whenever you're away

I crawl up in the corner
As I watch the minutes pass
Each one brings me closer to
The time when you'll be back
You're coming back

I can't take the distance
I can't take the miles
I can't take the time
Until the next time I see you smile
I can't take the distance
And I'm not ashamed
That I can't take a breath
without saying your name
I can brave a hurricane
And still be standing tall
when all the dust has
settled down
But I can't take the distance

I still believe in feelings
But sometimes I feel too much
I make believe you're close to me
But it ain't close enough
Not nearly close enough

2011-01-05T00:23:00.002+08:00

Careless mistakes.
Careless memories.
My life... breaks down in front of me.
i am only trying my best to choose the best solution.

i only wanted a portion of my happiness.

Yet, they only lied.
i thought i could have a wonderful life.

They only cared about themselves.
Now I'm addicted.
Addicted to careless things and to careless people.
I know it was my fault but why did I have to be so...
Careless

2010-12-29T23:37:00.001+08:00

"Regret is when you look back and realize that you could have done more.
Regret is when you realize that what you did was wrong.
Regret is when you look back on life and wish that you could go back and relive a single day of your past.
Regret is remembering someone who meant so much to you and remembering how you did them wrong.
Regret is looking back on something that meant so much to you and never realizing what you really had.
Regret is never saying I Love you.
Regret is going on in life, having so many regrets in life, and never having the ability to do anything about it.
Regret is never remembering to live life to the fullest. "

2010-12-28T21:54:00.003+08:00

True love comes straight from the heart not the mind. It can starts off with a simple chat between two strangers, from the first conversation comes the mutual respect. Soon, without realizing it, there’s a feeling of likeness in the air. From likeness, it gradually grows to love. But true love does not end here.

From love, there’s commitment. The feeling stop you from starting any other possible cases of likeness with other people. The same feeling which get you back to the same person whom you have been sharing your life with. Many people never went to the stage of commitment, only to blame themselves later for never experiencing true love. If loving is easy, living your hectic life would be easier.

True love is a gift. Though finding it may be hard, keeping it is harder than anyone can imagine. We struggle through all our life in search for it, yet when we find it, it just disappear. Just like sand sipping through your fingers, never to return again.

True love means happiness for your partner even if it means sufferings for you. As much as we would want to deny it, we do sacrifice for love. A simple give in during a heated argument can prevent harsh words being used and breaking of hearts. So next time when you think your partner is unreasonable, think again. You could make he/she less annoyed by giving in just this once. You may give in many, many times in your relationship but at least you know its worth the effort when the storm is over.

True love will be tested one day, only then the declaration for one another is truthful. Temptations will always be there, there will always be someone nicer, younger or more beautiful than your current one. Only will that day tell your truthfulness towards your heart and your soul.

True Love exists deep down in our hearts…

"Love is you, you have to love yourself before you learn to love others”

2010-12-27T23:14:00.003+08:00

At the very end of the day,
we are all still separate individuals,
interdependent, so that we don't feel empty.
Both physically & emotionally.

My heart is tearing apart at the seams

2010-12-19T21:30:00.003+08:00

i came upon this article that took my interest in.

" LOVE IS DEFINED AS MARKETING OF SERVICES FOR THE HEART

A young and pretty lady posted this on a popular forum:

I'm going to be honest of what I'm going to say here.

I'm 25 this year. I'm very pretty, have style and good taste. I wish to marry a guy with $500k annual salary or above.

You might say that I'm greedy, but an annual salary of $1M is considered only as middle class in New York .

My requirement is not high. Is there anyone in this forum who has an income of $500k annual salary? Are you all married?

I wanted to ask: what should I do to marry rich persons like you?

Among those I've dated, the richest is $250k annual income, and it seems that this is my upper limit.

If someone is going to move into high cost residential area on the west of New York City Garden ( ? ) , $250k annual income is not enough.

I'm here humbly to ask a few questions:

1) Where do most rich bachelors hang out? (Please list down the names and addresses of bars, restaurant, gym)

2) Which age group should I target?

3) Why most wives of the riches are only average-looking? I've met a few girls who don't have looks and are not interesting, but they are able to marry rich guys.

4) How do you decide who can be your wife, and who can only be your girlfriend? (my target now is to get married)

Ms. Pretty
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
An awesome reply from CEO of J.P. Morgan:

Dear Ms. Pretty,

I have read your post with great interest. Guess there are lots of girls out there who have similar questions like yours. Please allow me to analyse your situation as a professional investor.

My annual income is more than $500k, which meets your requirement, so I hope everyone believes that I'm not wasting time here.

From the standpoint of a business person, it is a bad decision to marry you.

The answer is very simple, so let me explain.

Put the details aside, what you're trying to do is an exchange of "beauty"and "money" : Person A provides beauty, and Person B pays for it, fair and square.

However, there's a deadly problem here, your beauty will fade, but my money will not be gone without any good reason.

The fact is, my income might increase from year to year, but you can't be prettier year after year.

Hence from the view point of economics,

I am an appreciation asset, and you are a depreciation asset. It's not just normal depreciation, but exponential depreciation. If that is your only asset, your value will be much worse 10 years later.

By the terms we use in Wall Street, every trading has a position, dating with you is also a "trading position".

If the trade value dropped we will sell it and it is not a good idea to keep it for long term - same goes with the marriage that you wanted. It might be cruel to say this, but in order to make a wiser decision any assets with great depreciation value will be sold or "leased".

Anyone with over $500k annual income is not a fool; we would only date you,but will not marry you.

I would advice that you forget looking for any clues to marry a rich guy. And by the way, you could make yourself to become a rich person with $500k annual income.This has better chance than finding a rich fool.

Hope this reply helps. If you are interested in "leasing" services, do contact me.

signed,
J.P. Morgan CEO
."

interesting huh!

2010-12-12T16:01:00.004+08:00

In life, we always set up our own definition of stardard to certain things. and because of this standard in our mind, we tend to lose what we been trying to hold on to.

but there is one thing that standard doesnt come into play.
and thats LOVE.

you can set all kinds of standard for your dream partner.
e.g : tall, handsome, rich,pretty,cute, big eye small eye etc

well.. but the thing is.. are they really the one that God has given you?
when real love is knocking at your door step, standards are being set aside.
and you realise. those standard that you been holding on doesnt make sense at all.
cause all you want is to break free from those standards and run to that very person.

2010-12-10T00:04:00.001+08:00

never could i forget the hurts and the words bring forth towards me.
never once a sincere apology was given to me.
never was any remorse shown in any action.
humanity was never like this.

Knowing you, I should've seen it coming.
Everyone disappoints eventually.
Whatever, never beats me.

2010-11-26T15:09:00.004+08:00

it's been awhile.
and it's back to December once again. this is the month that always been special throughout my life,in one way or another. and alot of birthdays seems to land on December too. it's also the preparation for my birthday next month! and most importantly it's CHRISTMAS!! the birth of christ, and the true blue merry feelings we get once a year.

Life's been good, beach every week, fugly singlet tanline that seems tattoo-ed already. knowing more great peeps around that never seems to stop laughing. travelling north south east west every week . getting back my smiles. loving my current life now. next dream, to go travelling with friends. hopefully soon!

even though these happy times, there's a blue feeling in me. i wish i could erase it all away.

Sometimes words may get in the way
of things that you really really mean to say
So I wanna tell you this time to make sure that this is how I really feel

Listen

There aren’t many more ways and words that I can say
So I choose to tell you how I feel in a numerical way
Got so tired of trying to find the most complicated way
To say it to you so I simplified and broke it down
To 143 – and that means I love you

thinking back, it's been a hectic year this year. But anyway,
it's festive seasons. let's party up!(:

ask me out! anyone, someone..

2010-11-13T01:55:00.005+08:00

For all of the time that i tried for your smile
For making you think that i was worth the while
So your love would be mine
For sending your flowers and holding your hand
That no one was there to take u stand But then love made us blind
And I'm so sorry that I hurt you
Sorry that I fell through Sorry i was falling in love with you
I'm sorry that it came true
But sorry can't turn back time
For all that i have done to you I wish that i could make it right
So sorry that i loved you
Sorry that i needed you
Sorry that i hold you tight
And I'm So sorry for... Making you love me and saying goodbye
For being the one that taught you how to cry
It was love and it passed us by
For given you every thing that you dreamed For taking it back when i fled the scene

sorry love for wasting your time
For all that i have done to you I wish that i could make it right
I'm so sorry that i loved you
Sorry that i needed you Sorry that i hold you tight
And apology now after all of this time Won't make my difference tonight
But I'm hoping I'm Sorry will open your mind
To love love love love in your life
I'm sorry that i hurt you
Sorry that i loved you

2010-10-15T15:29:00.003+08:00

They say that only time can heal the wounds of a broken heart. That time makes it easier to accept the loss of the people we love. It is a chain that all of us go through, falling in love, getting hurt, getting hurt and vowing not to love again, promising not to love again and becoming miserable all our lives. It isn't easy getting up on our feet after a crippling fall but there is no other way but to stand up and move on.

Nobody wants to become unhappy all his life. All of us know how love can bring magic into our lives. Have you ever realized how good it felt waking up in the morning knowing that somewhere out there, there's a person also thinking of you and feels exactly the way you do? Doesn't it feel good looking forward to being that person and spending memorable moments with him? Love brings joy beyond compare and that warm and sparking glow in each of us. Love brings us to the top of the world where we can conquer just about any obstacle that may come along our way. It is a great feeling love is. There is probably nothing else in this world that can compare to this. There may be many of us who feel that love passed us by and finding someone we can share our life with seems to be such a remote possibility. We watch trains go by as time swiftly drifts away from us. We may be in control of our lives but we felt somewhat helpless in our relationships.

There is nothing permanent in this world and not even those we cherished would be with us forever. There is no guarantee that comes with loving. It is always a risk getting involved with someone but it is a risk that we have to take if we want to find real happiness for there is no gain without pain. There is no permanent without commitment and there is no lasting love without constant sacrifice.

The tragedy of love is in getting hurt. The tragedy of getting hurt is in not wanting to love again and tragedy of not wanting to love again is in being alone all of our lives. If it is what we want to be, then we could just stay in our shell and be miserably forgotten. But if it is love we choose, then there is the promise of a new life. The joy in being able to share that life with someone and the hope of finding something beautiful and keeping it forever.

2010-10-12T18:23:00.002+08:00

Every time I think of you
I get a shot right through into a bolt of blue
Its no problem of mine but its a problem I find
Living a life that I cant leave behind
Theres no sense in telling me
The wisdom of a fool wont set you free
But thats the way that it goes
And its what nobody knows
And every day my confusion grows
Every time I see you falling
I get down on my knees and pray
Im waiting for that final moment
You'll say the words that I cant say

I feel fine and I feel good
I feel like I never should
Whenever I get this way, I just dont know what to say
Why cant we be ourselves like we were yesterday
Im not sure what this could mean
I dont think youre what you seem
I do admit to myself
That if I hurt someone else
Then we'd never see just what were meant to be

2010-10-09T15:20:00.000+08:00

the only one whom i kept giving myself different excuses to console myself.

the only one whom is my happy pills.

2010-09-28T18:21:00.003+08:00

Love Game

--{ Prologue }---

Someone once said to me ; “ Love is like a game ”

Eventually it'll result in someone winning it or losing it, who will emerge victorious ? who will end up the one being hurt ?

At that time, I believed firmly to this saying,

But now I finally know ; “ Love is not a game ”

It also requires genuine & sincere feelings in it. who dare to say that the winner won't feel that hurt ? or the loser might be the eventual winner afterall ?

I does not spare a glance to love,
when people around me sunk into the abyss of love, boasting to me about their stories, I was unaffected.
I adhere to my free and unrestrained principle, & even ridiculed them for their so called love, & scoffed at them when they are suffering from love.

Even when I've attempted to love someone,
I always said that, “ I still believed that life as a single can be more splendid ! ”
I was so self-righteous of my own “ principle ”to the extent that even when love passes by me, I'll just end off with a sigh,
But I will never ever have regrets,

I told myself “ this is life, Love can only be observed from afar, it cannot profane plays ! ”
I won't ever pity myself from passing by a love that was meant to be.

I do not believe in love, but I do not repel love !
The mentality of always holding it as a game began with a section of new love, & ending it with a section of a tolerant romance when it is no longer fresh.

“ Love is like a game ”, I simply match up to this annotation perfectly.
Because, I always emerge overall winner of this game.

She asked me before,

“ you really treat our love as a game ?

I replied without hesistation “ yes ! ”

“ including the time with me ? ” she replied.

I nodded silently.

Her hopes turned into despair as she reply me in tears,

“ now .. I finally know .. from the beginning you've been deceiving me all this while .. I know the rules .. but I always thought I could change you, or rather love can change you .. but it seems I've over estimated myself afterall, I've lose in this game of love. I've lose it convincingly. ”

Ever since she has slowly vanished away from my sight. When she said that in front of me, I only have infinite sympathy for her silliness, for attempting to change the impossible.

But, now I finally know that in this game, I'm the one that has lost thoroughly.

I do not have the sincerity to love all this while, thus I won't understand the sweetness of love, eventually losing the chance of a happy memory.

After going through so much, I just want to say ;

“ Love is not a game ”

It is the portrayal of a happy life; Even if it was a game, there won't be any eventual winners or losers. Because the existence of love tells us regardless of the self satisfaction as a winner or the fustration & sadness of a loser doesn't meant that you've score a victory in this game.

Its only when you finally understand the true meaning of happiness. treasuring & cherishing it, only then it is called true love.

---------

[ to be cont .. ]

2010-09-23T00:54:00.006+08:00

Love Phobia

[ Chapter 22 - Finale ]

From every human being there rises a light that reaches straight to heaven.
And when two souls that are destined to be together find each other,
their streams of light flow together,
and a single brighter light goes forth from their united being.

-----------------

Have you ever heard of the phrase, “love is blind?” Most people have. This must mean that it is a belief of many. Well, what does it mean when someone says, “love is blind?” If love is blind, one may argue to facilitate the meaning that love is eternal, regardless of one’s faults, their lies, and their affairs; that regardless of any negative outcome that love overlooks it. If love is blind it prevails all evil. However, everyone may not agree that, “love is blind.”

Another common phrase is that, “love hurts.” Why is it that love has acquired this unpleasant metaphor? Self-experience could be an answer to this question. Most people, at some time in their lives, have been hurt by someone that they love. Is this because they have done something wrong or is it simply human instinct? Humans are full of error and often decide it is easier to give up on love than struggle through the hard times. Therefore, does love hurt or do people hurt? Many would say it is people who hurt because they fail to pursue this love that they have claimed.

Many people turn to the dictionary when they are in need of a definition for a particular word. The Webster’s Dictionary defines love as, “an affection based on admiration, benevolence, or common interest.” Most would agree that love definitely consists of all of these qualities. When one is looking for a mate, they strive to find someone who is, to some extent, like them. It is desired that this person is someone that can be looked up to, and someone who is kind and compassionate. But there is a love much deeper than this.

Dad used to say, “ love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. Many would argue that love is each and every one of these virtues. However, can a human be so perfect as to possess all of these traits? Rarely is someone so perfect, if ever. This is a love referred to as Agape love, a Godly love.

Love is blind; it hurts. Love is an admiration and love is patient and kind. Love is diverse and it is dynamic. Regardless of all of these, and more important than anything, love is what one believes it to be. No common metaphor or dictionary definition can describe what one’s feelings of love are. It is that person alone who has to discover what love truly means.

I paused writing on my diary.

" It is that person alone who has to discover what love truly means. "

I kept my eyes on this last sentence, the only sound around me was the flipping of the fan & my breathing. A row of recollections sneaked its way silently into my mind, memories of how it all begun slowly evolving into how it all ended. I came to realise at how the montagues & capulets took nearly 5 acts to see the agape love between Romeo & Juliet, & to end their family feud. Looking back at myself, how many chapters of love phobia I've went through to finally overcome it & realise that I'm the only one that can discover what it really means & not through some love stories or songs.

" Alright class ... home room period !! " Miss Tan came in abruptly into the classroom interrupting my thoughts.

" First on the list ... I got a news .. Reagan has switched to another class .. meaning he won't be with us in this class anymore .. which explains why you all are not seeing him now .. ar .. "

It came as a thundering news to me. I didn't expected such heart wrenching news to come when I've thought its all over, does it signify the fatum between us is finally gone?

Joanne gave me a bewildered look, before finally raising up her hands to clear everyone doubts.

" Why ? Miss Tan ? " Joanne asked.

" Well .. I think it was due to some internal swap, & the school admin making a mistake with the arrangement from the start, meaning from the start, he wasn't meant to be in this class .. hmm .. well .. a pity I've lose out a good student of mine .. hmm .. but well everyone lets buck up .. !! its ain't over .. & you guys can catch up with him during breaks & after school right .. hee ... alright lets get started !! " Miss Tan replied.

Just when I've so much to asked him, he got to leave me. It seems so ironic, just like back then when he has his doubts, I choose to leave & escape from him. It somehow marks the start of this dreadful history that is going to repeat itself again. Will it end here just like back then ?

--------------------

I received this thundering news upon coming to school. I was informed by Miss Tan that I'll be switching to another class. It came too abruptly. I didn't even have the time to digest it, & before long I'm sitting in my new classroom. It was situated at the new block, meaning the chances of dropping by to see her is minimised to a near zero percent, as her building is at the old block, & the break times are somehow different, not to mention the timetable & lecture groups will be entirely different.

That strong feeling for her within me seems to have shaken. All long that fatum within us gave me endless courage to have faith that someday it'll go back to just like how it all begun between me & her. But now my faith started to hesistate. Maybe Juliet doesn't want to face me afterall. It seems like we're like two boats in a narrow channel that can only fit in the width of one boat. Her boat is sailing towards the eastern direction, whereas mine is slowly altering course towards the western direction. If these two boats continue to persist in sailing the same direction, there might be a probability that a collision will occur in this narrow channel.

" Argh !!! ~ what stupid theory I'm thinking of ... " I thought to myself

I started to shake my head to get rid all of these unwanted thoughts,

" As long as my faith stays within me .. I'll succeed ! " I told myself.

It also strengthen my decision to go create a miracle between me & her once again.

--------------

Nine months have passed. O level results were collected. Joanne & me have decided to stay on at VJC to do our A levels. Afterall it was a school that once shared so much memories of the past & now. I've heard from fellow schoolmates that Reagan has remained in VJC too. Nothing much has changed other than the fact being that Reagan seem to have disappear from my life for this past nine months. He never approaches me, neither did I. We have met on several occasions during school events, but it was just a mere hi & bye between us. I can always sense from his eyes that he has something to tell me, but nevertheless he gave up, & just went away. As much as I've that eager to see him & clear our doubts, my courage gave way too.

That magical fatum seems to have lose its presence between us. I was confused myself too. I often wondered is fatum telling me to move on ...

" Juliet dear ... you heard the latest news ? ! ? " Joanne ran to me speaking in a excited tone.

" huh ? whats the hot topic .. miss gossip .. tee-hee ... "

" remember our arts union president Davin ? there have been rumours going around that he is intending to chase you !!! hahaha "

" huh ? " I gave Joanne a blurry look.

" Aiyo .. don't act la .. during the last orientation back then, can already see that he is so concerned about you, helped you block the water bomb attacks & stuff. . huhrur .. don't shy ..haahaa ~ "

" aww .. come on .. Joanne .. that doesn't mean anything .. & you know that I'm still ......... "

" waiting for reagan ? " Joanne completed my sentence before I could continue on.

I gave an convincing look to Joanne.

" not exactly waiting for him .. maybe just an answer ... a long awaited answer ....."

" Juliet dear .. it pains me to see you in such state .. why don't you move on ... afterall you & Reagan seem to have no sparks left, all the fate that once linked you both together is all gone isn't it .. since the day he switched class ... hmmm .. hai .. "

" Joanne dearie .. I really don't know .. something in my heart seems to be telling me not to give up for miracle will happen once again ... "

" Hmm ... sigh .. in that case I leave Davin for myself then ... " Joanne jokingly said.

" hahahahah .. uh-uh ~ & look who's talking .. you seem to be more interested in that Davin not me ... okays .. tsk tsk .. huhrur "

" bleah ..... I'm just doing you a favour so your Reagan won't be misunderstand about you & Davin okays . tra-lalalal ~ haas ~ "

Joanne spat out her tongue at me before running off again.

--------------------

" Phew .. I finally found it after all these months !!! " I wiped my sweat off my forehead & tally the image I'm seeing with the photo I'm holding onto now.

I immediately started to create this long awaited miracle.

As the sun begins to set down, I sat down admiring my master piece. This faith towards Juliet shall start to work its wonders once again. I dropped the photo consisting of my ah pa, ah ma & uncle Roy under the huge tree in VJ from my hand & just lie down under the tree.

" where it all begins, it shall all end "

---------------------------

I strolled around the shopping mall aimlessly. Joanne was supposed to meet me, but she was held up by her CCA.

I was browsing through the rows of shop when a lighting on a shop suddenly blinded me.

" One-Stop Love Service Center "

" didn't I came here with Joanne many months back ago ? " My memory slowly trace back to the incident we have here with that greek accented fortune teller.

I entered into the shop unknowingly & before long I was greeted by the same greek accented guy again.

" hoho .. my young lady .. how can I help you ? "

" eh .. hmmm .. " I looked around the shop helplessly not knowing what should I do.

" hoho .. you here to find our shop mr CUTE guy .. hohoho girls around your age does that often .. haaaaa ~ "

" huh ? mr CUTE guy ? eh .. I think you got the wrong idea .. I just happen to passby & step in ... you remember me ? many months back I came with a girl to let you calculate our love fortune ?"

Pahim paused for a while, tracing back his memory.

" EUREKA ! you're that Juliet right ? "

" yes yes ... you remembered me .. tee-hee " I smiled back.

" hoho ... well you see I don't usually does fortune telling for customers, I only do it when I've have that urge .. so I usually remember .. hoho "

" uh ~ cool .. " I smiled back again.

" so you're here for fortune telling again ? Hmm .. you know its really a coincidence that I've that urge in me now .. hohoho "

" huh ? " I gave a blur look to Pahim.

" Come lets sit down .. & we shall get started .... "

I somehow came unprepared for all these. I don't even know what makes me step into this shop again & let this jovial fellow calculate my love life again.

" Ar .. I finally see your future this time round ... hoho ~ " Pahim begins as he gave me a assuring smile.

" The fear of love shall finally pays off, as the magical fatum starts to work again .. all the answers slowly unrevealed once again in the eye of cupid, ..The happiness and sorrows that you felt across these chapters of love, you've fell, you've cried & you've learned. Where it all begins, it shall all end ... "

Pahim closed his books, & smiled.

" where it all begins, it shall all end ... " I muttered at his last words.

Somehow I was enlightened by his words. A strong feeling within me is telling me to go search for this beginning now. My intuition tells me that I know where this beginning is all along, I shall followed the answers in my heart. Before long, I dashed out of the shop searching for this beginnning.

" Ring !!! " My phone started ringing.

" hello ... Joanne dearie .. I'm in a rush now to search for something, get back to you later okays ? "

" wait ... Juliet dear ... I'm sorry ... Reagan passed me a letter earlier on & asked me to passed it to you .. but I ..... lose it .. I just can't seem to find it now ... hello you there ? Juliet dear ? "

" oh .. gosh phone ran out of battery .. just now Joanne was mentioning about what letter from Reagan ? tsk .. no time for that now .. " Juliet ran off without clearing her doubts.

---------------

Juliet,

where it all begins, it shall all end ...

With Love,
Reagan

I slowly insert the photo consisting of my ah pa, ah ma & uncle Roy taken under the huge tree in VJ together with the letter into the envelope. I've taken months to find this present huge tree in VJ. My ah pa told me that it was called the tree of love in those days back then. It bear the remembrance of love between uncle Roy & ah ma back then. The school gardener told me that this huge tree undergo some big revamp few years back, most of its tree branches were cut off, thus I got a hard time searching for it. The tree trunk remains with all its memories carved onto it.

When I first found it, I was elated. It was the start to all beginning.

I slowly carved the wordings on the tree trunk,

where it all begins, it shall all end ...

with the R & J carving that was found on the primary school table & also on "the tale of the star-crossed lover" back then. I took months to practise this piece of exquisite work, the R & J with the heart shape surrounding it.

-----------

I was taking bus 284 en route back to the primary school where it all begins for me & Reagan. I managed to find my spare handphone battery & reconnect it back to my phone.

" Joanne was mentioning to me about Reagan & a letter to me ? could it be ... ? " I mumbled to myself.

I immediately called back Joanne.

" Juliet dear .. I've found the letter !!!! the tree !!! sorry ... for opening it without your permission, but I could see the urgency in Reagan's eye & thought it was something important .. & I can't find you .. so I opened it .. but anyway thats not the point .... the content of the letter was written where it all begins, it shall all end, & then there was a old photo taken under this huge tree in VJ with your dad & two other person inside. I went to the tree & found a carving by Reagan to you, he once again carved where it all begins, it shall all end ...on the tree trunk, o... ya with a special carving beside it ... some R & J letterings with a heart shape surrounding it ... you heard me ... hello .... "

I turned speechless upon hearing Joanne words.

" hello ... Juliet dear .. u heard me ? "

I hung up the phone, more determined than ever to search for the beginning. I was telling myself that my intuition is right, it is bringing me to where it all started.

--------------

I sat down at the classroom, staring at the air blankly. The sudden influx of silence stabbed into me, causing me to jerk a little. I looked at my watch, 20th February 7:00pm. I was wondering will she appear ? did she see my letter ? I slowly let my memories take over me, letting them fill in the emotions that have been shrouding me for the last nine months. I shut my eyes closed, drifting off to my emotional thoughts.

Everything seems so empty. For the last nine months, every single movement seems empty. Even in a crowd of people, I feel lonely. I feel like you're the only one in the world that can wipe out this loneliness in me. Every seconds, I think of ways to make you smile, I imagine where you are, & every second, you're like a part of me, & I see you more than I see myself because the moment I closed my eyes, your image stands in front of me.

Tears have, amorously found their way out of my closed eyes. Is this how true love feels? A combination of sadness & happiness, with one second of happiness overpowering all these years of sadness without you.

" Clog Clog ... " I heard footsteps coming towards the direction of the classroom.

I wanted to open my eyes straight at that moment, but I was fearful of disappointment yet again. That suspense filled within me forced me to keep my eyes shut, until I finally heard the classroom door opened, & then the sound of someone breathing heavily.

I slowly opened my eyes, adjusting to the light, slowly seeing a image presented in front of me.

That few seconds paused as if a few generations have passed as we both see each other in the eyes.

" Hi everyone, my name is ... J U L I E T , you guys know Romeo & Juliet ?? well my name is same as that Juliet .. " she suddenly shouted.

My eyes brighten up instantly. I returned a smile back.

"You, Ask me a question !" Juliet pointed at me.

" s-oo-so-so you got a boyfriend named Romeo ? " I replied.

She gave me a smile back instantly, saying

" nahz.. so u wanna be my Romeo ? "

where it all begins, it shall all end ..

{ THE END }

Love comforteth like sunshine after rain.

2010-09-11T15:58:00.001+08:00

Love Phobia

[ Chapter 21 ]

Love is patient,
love is kind.

It does not envy,
it does not boast,

it is not proud,
it is not rude,
it is not self-seeking,
it is not easily angered,

For it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth,

It always protects,
always trusts,
always hopes
always perseveres.

--------

Upon reaching back, I went to confront my mum.

" Missy .. your mum is busy with her work right now .. you shan't disturb her " Her personal assisstant trying to stop me.

I just shun away from her grab, & barged into the study room without any notice. Upon entering, I just gave a cold glare towards her.

" Its ok .. you can leave the both of us here .. " Carrie spoke to her personal assisstant.

" Why ... Why .. Why !!!! Doesn't your conscience prick you one bit at all ... how I wished I never existed at all, afterall I'm just a product of your hatred & revenge towards dad ... There was no love between you both, I shouldn't have existed ... you broke a love that was meant to be, how could you be so cruel ! "

I broke out in tears.

Carrie just stared at me with her cold eyes.

" Dad wasn't a murderer at all ... he was just a poor soul being controlled by the evil clutches of yours !!!! " I shouted at her.

" tsk .. so I've became a devil ? hahahaha ~ what a joke !!! " Carrie laughed hysterically.

" Stop laughing !!! you've destroyed dad's life & now you've destroyed mine ... "

" That was just his retribution !!! He bring all these upon himself !!! If I'm being labelled as a devil, it was all because of him !!! Who was there for me when he hurt me so deeply .. !! NO ONE !!! SIMPLY NO ONE !!! I'm just being true to my own feelings .. whats wrong with that !!! Everyone may think that I'm doing all these for revenge & hatred but why no one think that I'm doing all these for love ? " Carrie could no longer control her tears as it slowly flowed out.

" you're in no position to mention love when you don't even know what is it ... " I screamed at her ...

" tsk ... hahahahaha & what makes you think that you know love .... ? A love like Roy & Josie or the love between you & Reagan ... that is love ? tsk tsk ... & look what happen ... it all ends so pathetically !!!! ~ If love is that strong, I can do thousand & one things to sabotage all of your relationship & it will still work out, but well you all prove me wrong ~ the so called everlasting love is just a joke ... a joke that involves all of you & now you all are suffering .. hahahahah "

" you yourself is just a victim of this joke too ... you're hurt by it too ... " My teary eyes softening that glare in her eyes.

" No .. thats not true ! can't be true .. you must be lying ... I can't possibly lose to anyone .. not to you Josie, not to you Roy .. I'm not losing .... " Carrie seem to have lost her state of mind, as flashes of memories came back to haunt her, making her seemingly confused.

" .. you've never win from the start ... because you've already lose yourself from the beginning .. you never lose to aunt Josie from the start, you just lose to the love between dad & aunt Josie .... you've gain nothing but just hatred & revenge ... " I said my last piece before running out of the study room.

I just couldn't bear the sight of seeing my mum in her lost state of mind. All my hatred towards her seem to have disperse by its own all of a sudden. She was just a victim of love phobia too, just like me back then, just like dad ... it just so happens that instead of avoiding it, she choose to face it in her own way, which causes all the hatred & revenge. I used to remember dad saying;

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Everything seems to have fall in place all of a sudden. The light finally revealed itself after all these years of darkness. Thinking back of it, the misunderstanding back then that cause me to leave Reagan, & the mysterious force within that surround me & Reagan all this while, our fate was never once lost, & finally to meeting him once again, it was like all planned out. It was as if I'm watching a drama of my own, or rather I'm acting out this drama myself.

Somehow I'm very lost at this moment. Though the truth has fell in place, I do not know what to expect, nor what to do in the future. I've lots of question marks in my mind now, & all these question marks seems to be pointing to the one & only guy who can answer my doubts now ... my Romeo, Reagan ...

-----------

"the tale of the pair of star crossed lovers - Romeo & Juliet"

I held the book in my hand & pondered.

This was the book of beginning. It not only shared the love story of Romeo & Juliet but it also shared the love story behind my ma & Juliet's dad. & now the book is using its magic to pen down the story of me & Juliet. It was the link of fate in this book that brought me & Juliet together since the beginning, & now it has became a link of destiny.

"Your journey of seeking love starts the very moment you felt the tingling feeling in your heart. The happiness and sorrows that you felt across every chapter of love.

You fell, You cried and You learned. For love is something that has no beginning and no end.

Your love for her grow stronger each day as you get to know her more. You let her behaved at her most wildly side in front of you. You allow her to do whatever she wants to you. You've change whatever she dislikes, your habits, your behavior, your work attitude and sometimes yourself.

You try to make her happy everyday despite whatever problems that stirred within you.

Is all this love?

You can't speak clearly of yourself at that moment of time ...

You only know that it hurts real bad when you see her cry and your heart is contented when you see her cheerfully smiling at me.

There are only the undying three words that we tell each day. Those three simple words of simple truth and vast meaning.

‘I Love You’

S'Agapo. ..

As your feelings has finally reveal themselves in front of love, your destiny awaits you ... for you shall be the key to conquer the phobia .. It shall starts from the tale of star-crossed lovers to the tale of S'Agapo."

All of a sudden, Pahim's words struck me once again. At that point of time, I seem to be listless about what he was trying to say, but after all that has happened, his words seem much clearer now. As my feelings finally reveal themselves, my destiny awaits me for I shall be the key to conquer her love phobia, & it shall start from the simple three words, " I love you" ... All my answers seem to be pointing to the one & only girl now, ... my Juliet .

[ To be Cont - Chapter 22 Ending !!~ ]

I Love thee, I love but thee. With a love that shall not die. Till the sun grows cold, and the stars grow old.

2010-09-02T23:18:00.000+08:00

爱の恐惧
Love Phobia

[ Chapter 20 ]

Holding on is tough
much tougher than letting go,
or simply quitting.

-------------

Carrie has been pampered since young. All her life, she has never tasted failure, until Roy rejected her. It came as a huge blow to her. She felt her genuine feelings were not reciprocated, & even came as a disgrace to her. Another blow came to her when she found that the reason for rejection was the existence of Josie. She cannot accept the fact losing to another peer of her own age. She was brought up with all the people around telling her that she is the best regardless of academic, sports & even appearance, & yet she just lose to someone who can't even defend for her ownself, much less to compete with her. She swore for revenge towards them.

" Dave .. you liked Josie since the start right ? " Carrie spoke in her usual haughty manner.

" huh ? mmm .. where you hear this nonsense from ? Roy & Josie have always been my besties, moreover they are together now, don't you anyhow create rumours okay ? "

" tsk .. don't deny it ! The 2 lovey doveys may be too blind too see your affections, but not me .. "

" so what if Iliked her... they are together now & I'm happy for them ~ " Dave rebuked back.

" tsk .. you sure you're happy ? ask deep down in your heart ... " Carrie replied.

Dave hesistated with his reply,

" mmm .. yes I am !!! " Dave attempt to strengthen his tone towards her.

" you sure ? whats with the hesistation then ? " Carrie snorted at Dave.

" mmm .. Carrie .. I knew Roy rejected you previously .. don't you attempt to take revenge by trying to break our friendship bond ? " Dave stuttered.

" tsk .. how pathetic !! so you can't win over the unhappiness deep down in your heart, & now attempting to challenge me .. "

" thats not true !!! "

" tsk .. so much for being true then ... if your friendship bond with them were that true, they wouldn't have hide the fact from you that they are officially together, & you need to know it through me .. Dave ... you seriously are pathetic ~ !!! At least I dare to answer to my heart, I don't deny that I'm plotting a revenge against them, I felt hurt for Roy's rejection .. I can't accept the lose .. but how about you ??? Trying to disguise yourself as some saint here, wishing them blissfulness forever, when you don't even have the courage to face them, & you know deep down in your heart, thats not the answer you want !!! "

" n.... o .. no ~ !! thats .... ! " Dave attempting to defend himself, but Carrie has attacked on his weakness point to the extent of leaving him vulnerable.

" TRUE !!! ask your heart ... ~ " Carrie finished off the sentence for Dave before he could even attempt to defend himself.

Dave was speechless.

" Don't you find its unfair for the both of us .. !! We put in so much genuine feelings towards them, & this is what we got back ... tsk !! Now if you ever have a chance to get back what we deserved, will you do it ? "

" get back what we deserved ? ! ? " Dave mumbled to himself

" Yes ... you together with Josie ? does it sounds appealing ? " Carrie gave an evil grin

" together with Josie ? is it possible ? "

" Why not ... with my help ... nothing seems impossible .. but of course you got to go with the plot that I've planned ... " Carrie smiled to him

& Dave found himself sinking into the depth of abyss, seeking towards the path of no returns. Despite knowing that he is bound to have regrets years later, but that moment of folly just changes everything. Carrie & Dave started to plant traps within Roy & Josie relationship which lead to lots of misunderstandings between the both. Never did they know that the person who masterminded all these was their bestie Dave.

------

For the next few months, rumours have been spreading that Roy was two-timing Josie & Carrie. Despite how Roy was adamant about his stand with Carrie, she never stopped her surging attacks on him, often giving others the wrong impression that they both are together. What makes it worse was Roy didn't make clear his stand to the others, as he feared of embarassing Carrie in the process & hurt her deeply. In the process, Dave appeared as a buddy to Roy, & assured him that he will explain everything clearly to Josie, but in actual fact he was hastening the process of making Josie lost her trust towards Roy. The final blow finally came during Carrie's birthday party. On the pretext of her birthday party, Carrie has actually hatched an evil plot in mind.

" Come on ... Roy .. drink more !!! " Carrie forcefully pour more drink into his cup.

" No .. Carrie .. thats enough !! My intention in coming tonight is to make clear to you ... we can't let this keep going on, Josie is starting to lose her faith in me .. "

" awww ~ if your relationship is that strong, she shouldn't have lose her faith in you, its my birthday !! Don't mention all these wishy washy matters !! Drink !!! "

" But ... "

Before Roy could continue on, Carrie forcefully made him drink another cup.

After the numerous gulp down of wine, the alcoholic content started to take effect on Roy, & before long he was drunk, collapsing on the floor.

----

" Dave, any idea where Roy went last night ? he never reply my calls all night & didn't went home at all ... " Josie gave an worried look to Dave.

" I only heard him mentioning about some party Carrie was holding, & he was bent on going no matter how I stopped him, afterall I guess he won't want any more misunderstandings .. tsk " Dave replied.

Josie went silent upon hearing Dave reply.

" you meant he never went home last night ? Could something have happened to him ? Shall we go Carrie's house to check out ? "

Josie was hesistant, but worrying that some accident could have happened to Roy, reluctanly agreed to Dave's idea.

Along the way, Josie was struggling internally within her heart. One side of her insisted that she must have her faith & trust towards Roy, yet she was fearful that her faith & trust would turned into despair & mistrust.

Upon coming to Carrie house, both Dave & Josie were greeted by a half awakened Carrie.

" Carrie, did Roy came to your house last night ? " Dave eagerly asked.

" uh-uh I believe so .. hee we have lots of fun last night ... he is still in my bedroom now, tee-hee ... " Carrie replied sluttily, adjusting her clothing in the process, trying to give the both of them a wrong impression that something did happen last night.

Josie's worst fears came true. Upon hearing the reply from Carrie, her heart sunk. She immediately ran out of Carrie house in tears. Dave ran after her in mind that Carrie's evil plot has successfully fell in place.

" Carrie .. I gotta leave " Roy came down clumsily to the door steps, still recovering from his hang over last night.

" O ~ okay .. by the way, Dave & Josie came to find you earlier on, maybe you can still catch up with them .. hee " Carrie gave an evil smile to Roy.

" did you say JOSIE ? " Roy instantly awoke to his senses.

" uh-uh `~ ! " Carrie gave an expressionless reply.

Roy immediately dashed out of the house chasing towards the direction of Josie.

It wasn't long before Roy managed to catch up with Josie & Dave. Upon seeing Roy, Dave gave a heavy punch to Roy.

" How could you do this to Josie !! you ... Jerk !!! " Dave shouted angrily at Roy.

" what did I do ? " Roy retaliated back ..

" Still trying to deny .... after a night of fun ... I told you not to go last night .. didn't I .. tsk .. "

" I merely went there last night to state clear my intentions to Carrie, & asked her to stop all those misunderstandings she is creating .. "

" if that is so, why did you spent the night at her .... house ? "

" I really went with that intention in mind, but it was Carrie birthday, as I didn't want to disappoint her, I drank abit & was drunk after that, we did nothing !! "

" ENOUGH ~ !!!! so now you expect me to believe that you did nothing after you were drunk ... impossible ~ !! Roy .. all is over ~ !!! over .. all over between the both of us ~ !!! " Josie shouted at Roy as she ran away.

" Noooo ~ Josie .. why can't you believe me ? Nothing really happened ... " Roy shouted attempting to chase after her.

" Stop where you're .. Stop following her !!! You've already hurt her badly .. " Dave gave a cold glare to Roy before running towards Josie.

Ever since that incident, Josie never talked to Roy again. Even after the whole misunderstanding was cleared, Roy couldn't plucked up his courage to approach Josie again. The damage has been done in both their hearts.As times goes, Dave's affections for Josie finally paid off when she agreed to his proposal. Likewise, Roy finally accepted Carrie. They each believed that they no longer have that faith in one another again, the crackline will always be there, but never did they know that the love for one another still exists, it was only just screened by the love phobia within them.

-----

" Carrie & my plans went perfectly well, we won ... but seriously have we won ? " Dave heave a sigh.

Both Reagan & Juliet were left dumb founded after hearing such a enticing story that never once ran through their thoughts that such a thing would happen.

" Well , I guess there's Karma, what goes around turns around, when Reagan was at the age of eight, Josie finally came to know of the truth that happened years ago, those evil plots hatched to break the relationship beteween her & Roy. We have a heated arguement over this matter, & Josie in a fit of anger went out of the house & never returned again. She was killed in a car accident. It was reported that she was not in a clear state of mind, walking aimlessly across the road. the road. A car tried to avoid her, but it was all too late, as the car swerved to hit a nearby tree, & hitting Josie in the process, letting the driver & Josie came to a instant death. "

" which explains why Ben hated you all these years ... " Reagan spoke with a soft tone.

Dave nodded.

" I indirectly caused your mum's death. If not for my sturboness, your mum wouldn't have left ..... " Dave broke into tears.

Juliet was confused. All along she thought that her dad was the murderer of Reagan's mum.

" How did things turn out to be this manner ? " Juliet mumbled to herself.

" Why did Dad admitted to killing Reagan's mum back then ? WHY WHY WHY ??? " Juliet thoughts ran wild as she dashed out of the house.

" Juliet ~ !!!! " Reagan shouted at her direction.

Reagan himself was confused at this point of time too. It was too much for him to accept all this fact. As much as he wanted to hate his dad for all these, he just couldn't pluck up that courage to do so. It was hurtful for him, but deep down he knew it was more hurtful for his father. All these years, he has always sense his dad undying love to his mum. All the wrong-doings he has done was just a act of his foolishness to earn that love from his mum.

" Reagan ...

Holding on is tough
much tougher than letting go,
or simply quitting.

"

Dave ended off with this phrase lingering in Reagan's thoughts as the truth slowly fell in place.

[ To be cont.. ]

Such is my love, to thee I so belong,
That for thy right myself will bear all wrong.
William Shakespeare

2010-08-16T21:07:00.000+08:00

Love Phobia

[ Chapter 19 ]

All the love that history knows,
is said to be in every rose.
Yet all the love that could be found in two,
is less than what I feel for you

-------

“ Happy birthday to you ... Happy birthday to you... Happy birthday to Roy Tan ! ~ Happy birthday to you !! ”

The song ended with a peck on his cheek.

“ Happy birthday dear! Quick, blow the candles and make a wish”

Josie pestered as Roy tried to finish off 18 candles at one go.

“ Thanks Dear” Roy replied the kiss.

“ So what wish did you make ?”

“ Am I supposed to tell you ? Don't you knows wishes cannot be revealed or else it won't come true le .. "

" Bleah ~ nonsense !! Hmm let me make a guess ... you still wish I’m your girlfriend next year right ? haha ~ "

“ Don’t wanna tell you!” Roy displayed his resilience.

“Ok loh…” Josie grabbed a portion of the cake and smear it on his face.

Roy returned the favor and the cake was pretty much wasted and uneatable after the couple’s tussle..

“ Dear…” Josie called out to Roy.

“ Yeah ? ” Roy responded.

" ta-duh ... look what I've got for you ... "

" eh .. my birthday present ? "

Roy opened up the carefully wrapped present, & found a book inside.

" the tale of the pair of star crossed lovers - Romeo & Juliet "

" wow .. this book looks real classic, must be an antique .. hurhur ... & why this story ? its a love tragedy .. ya know .. "

" well .. tragedy it may seems, but it shows both Romeo & Juliet undying love for one another isn't it .. "

" just like the both of us huh ? so I must die to show that sort of undying love " Roy jokingly replied

" Choy !! touchwood .. I won't want you to die .. okays & i knew your undying love for me le .. " Josie replied in a shy tone.

Roy kissed Josie forehead.

" well .. my turn to give you a gift ... "

Roy carefully carved a heart shape on the back cover of the book, & then the letters R & J inside the heart shape.

" well .. this book shall be our love for one another ... " Roy proudly says upon completion of the artwork he has done.

Josie admired the art work done, & feel touched.

“ Dear .. Why did you like me ? ”

“ Because you have an angelic face with a devilish body that any guys will die to go with?”

There was a grin on Roy’s face.

“ Is that what all guys want ? ” Josie replied with a annoying tone.

“ Nope… but it sure is nice to have ! ”

“ No tell me honestly … ” Josie sounded serious this time.

“Ok… I like you because you looked demure most of the time yet when it comes to enjoying, you are bubbly fun, loving. You are always here for me. You understand me and mature enough to forsake my childishness some times .. I’m really glad to have known you”

Roy replied as he brushed her hair.

“ Is this what you like in women? So if one day another girl with the same attributes as you mention came into your life, will you fall for her ? ”

“ I guess not...”

“ Why? ”

“ Because I have you. You are irreplaceable. ”

“ Dear, I’m glad to have to known you too ”

Their eyes exchange contact followed by a passionate long kiss. The moon was covered by the clouds as much as their innocent youth.

--------------------

" Juliet .. Juliet " Reagan looked at Juliet, calling out her name.

" huh ? " Juliet still shocked over what happened.

They revert back their attention onto the book that have finally opened up. They carefully flipped each page, busking in that ambience & atmosphere the book has magically created. It was like a time travel for the both of them, as they went back into shakespeare era playing the character of Romeo & Juliet. This special bond once shared by both their parents has reawakened & slowly engulf into both of them.

Finally, both of them came to the last page of the book.

It was supposed to be a blank page but there were paragraphs hand written on the page.

Both of them began reading.

“ Josie ,

“The same smile will always be there along with the rosy cheek that blushes each time happiness is felt within you. The eyes of innocent youth will look forever the same..”

Some things haven’t change isn’t it? I wish so much everyday that I could see you once more, not only in dreams but in reality.

I want to feel you so much but I guess it seems impossible now. The days that you’ve gone has come to a hundred and it seems like only yesterday we were having those little strolls along the park behind our house.

Sometimes I want to tell you how much I love you, how much I’m willing to do for you, how much I would rather give half my life to God in exchange for your presence.

But I guess all this ain’t gonna be true once more. You had left me to walk with God in heaven. The little angels send me a dream of you last night. It was about how we first met. Of course, I would not forget about it .. but yesterday was like history relived.

Knowing you was a blessing but having you by my side was a miracle indeed. Somehow I never thought I was of your standards.
You were like the angel with the most beautiful wings spread open whereas I was only a lowly being who look so inhumanly from young.
That’s why I’ve always treasure your attention so much.

Time… I think is a very strange thing. When you’re with someone you love. It always seems so short… but when you’re missing someone… time always seems so long.

One of the happiest moments in my life would be the day you gave me this book.
Those days of being young are coming back to me once more. You looked great with the red dress with floral design all over.

I never think cosmetics make us a better person, especially you. For you had the rosiest cheeks without the enhancement of artificial product.

Remembering back the date.. when we said walking was a form of romantic expression when money was really the main problem? I remembered how we walked from the whole east coast beach to your house at katong. No one has ever calculated how much we’ve walked over the years.

Perhaps a few hundred kilometers ?

I think you must be lonely being alone in the clouds of heaven sometimes. You always dread about loneliness didn’t you? I could remember the times you often complained about the loneliness you felt being the only child in your family…

Loneliness is something which we all will feel throughout our lives. I do hope the angels above can spread their wings of love upon you. I will be strong, I will be mindful of my actions, my speech and my desire. I will lead life as much as you want me to, I will live for you.

Taking life each day as it comes, nothing will be too big a barrier, nothing will be too small to be left unnoticed. I will wake up each day a happier person because life itself is a gift, a gift from the creator of heavens.

As I looked back to the days we’ve spent, knowing that memories will only be there for me to relive once more.

I thank the lord above for the gift of life, even though sometimes life is miserable when we fall, the strength that we develop to pick ourselves up is something not things that are taught, these are the things that we are supposed to learn. Lastly, I love you, and you know I really do. Please wait for me….

Roy ,”

The tears inside Juliet was released the moment she finished reading. Juliet just couldn’t control himself as she cried in Romeo's arms.

Juliet not only let go of her tears, but somehow she has let go of the phobia that has been cooped up in her all these years after reading what her dad has written to Josie. In her heart, she didn't blame Josie. Since the day, she was born & brought up, she could always see that nonchalant look in her dad eyes, though others see her family as a happy one, she didn't feel any warmth in it, slowly she has understand & accept the fact that her dad never once loved her mum before, the affections displayed in public were fake. She often prayed hard that someday, her dad could be reunited with whoever he seems to be thinking of.

-----------------

“ Juliet , are you ok ? ”

“ Yeah.. I’m fine.. sorry ” Juliet said while wiping her tears.

“ Don’t be… it’s good to let your heart out once in a while .. "

" It’s something within me. I’ve been bearing with it for a long time already.”

“ Then you should let go. Carrying a heavy burden all by yourself is miserable ”

“ Yes .. I’ve finally thought through it. ” Juliet let out a smile on her teary face.

" Roy & Josie ... seems familiar ? Hmmm .... EUREKA !!! They were dad's besties ... meaning Josie was my mum, & Roy was your dad ? " Reagan suddenly gave out a shout.

Juliet seems dumbfounded by Reagan's discovery.

" Huh ? your mum is Josie ?? "

" Yes !!! you were that little girl in yellow raincoat with uncle Roy back then right ? I wanted to ask you all along ... but you left that time ... "

" you're aunt Josie's son ? " Juliet mumbled to herself.

" so my DAD MURDERED someone he love most ? how can it be ? " Juliet thought to herself.

Juliet started to shake her head profusely ..

" Cannot be ... it must be a coincidence !! they just happened to share that same name ... " Juliet uttered.

" There's only one way to find out ..... MY DAD !! " Reagan responded instantaneously.

--------------

I followed Reagan back home with mixed feelings.

" What if all these were just like what Reagan had said ... can I still face him ? "

Despite the fear of knowing the truth, curiousity still pricks me, I was determined to find out what really happened back then. Reagan told me the story he has heard from his father on the way back.

" why they broke off ? because of my mum ? I still remember how she used to boast that she & dad had known each other since JC days, & were always so loving as a couple . " I thought to myself.

All these complications are just creating confusion within myself.

" Dad ~ !! " Reagan shouted as he entered into the house.

I dragged my heavy footsteps into the house.

Dave came out from his room, & was surprised to see Reagan together with Juliet.

" Reagan .. your friend ? "

Reagan nods in response to Dave question.

" hi .. uncle .... I'm Juliet " I stuttered.

" Ah pa ... we are here to find out something from you ... "

" from me ? " Dave gave a confused look.

" You mind taking out those photos you showed me yesterday ? " Reagan asked.

" uh ~ ? " Dave hesistated before going to his drawer to take out the pictures again.

" there you're .. answers to all our doubts ... " Reagan showed me the pictures.

I took a look closely, to see my dad inside the picture.

" That's Roy, my ah pa's bestie ... " Reagan said.

I shivered upon Reagan's reply,

" That's my dad .... "

My whole body leaned back against the couch,

So what Reagan had said was all true ... All along I only know upon the fact that my dad killed Reagan's mum, but never did I know that Reagan's mum was also the one that my dad loved most. It came as a shocking truth to me.

Dave was still confused over what was going on,

" eh .. sorry for interrupting .. so what is going on here... "

" ah pa .. Juliet is uncle Roy's daughter ... "

Dave went silent upon hearing that.

" Its really such a coincidence ... ah pa .. we just found ah ma & uncle Roy's love keepsake today ... & then found out that we are all interlinked somehow .. tee-hee "

Dave's past came back to haunt him. He didn't expected all this to happen, nor did he expect that Roy's daughter will appear in front of him.

" Your mum is Carrie right ? " Dave asked Juliet.

" you know my mum ? " Juliet stuttered.

Dave nods, as he begun to share his guilt ridden past to Reagan & Juliet.

All the love that history knows,
is said to be in every rose.
Yet all the love that could be found in two,
is less than what I feel for you

[ To be cont.. ]

It is the star to every wandering bark,
whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.

2010-08-10T02:48:00.003+08:00

Love Phobia

[ Chapter 18 ]

Don't walk in front of me,
I may not follow ...

Don't walk behind me,
I may not lead ...

Walk beside me,
& be my love ...

---------

" s-oo-so-so you got a girlfriend named Juliet ? " I unexpectedly replied back to Reagan ...

" nahz..so u wanna be my Juliet ? "

We both stared at each other under the limelight shone at us.

I was real confused & shocked by my own actions. Despite how hard I've struggled within myself to avoid him, to detest him, somehow I've lost a resoundingly battle to him. My actions came by so naturally to the stage I didn't even notice that I've succumbed to that silent yet deadly attack by him. It was the beginning for both of us, that scene reanacted before me, still fresh in my memory all these while. It was as if everything just happened yesterday, that nostalgic feel just overcome my phobia for once. I've embrace that feel & atmosphere within the classroom, just like how it all started.

" Wow .. declaration of love on the first day, two years later when we graduate, you both might just get married !!! " Joanne shouted.

The whole class broke into laughter again.

Reagan's face went red instantly, I immediately turned my face away from him, & looked down at my table. It was sure embarrasing, but somehow deep within, I'm enjoying this special attention from Reagan once again, his silly actions never failed to amaze me since the first day we met, & always seems to work its way through my heart & melt me with his touching actions.

The rest of day was an awkward situation for both of us as we both were teased by classmates. Despite that nostalgic feel earlier on, my senses came back to reality. Deep in my heart, I knew that I can never be with him, I must accept the harshness of reality, the truth behind all this ...

" Juliet dearie ... it seems in future I'm gonna walk back alone by myself .. " Joanne teasingfully nudge me on the way back home.

" Come on .. stop it ... its impossible between me & him .. "

" huh ? then why earlier on .. you responded to his approach towards you during the intro .. "

" Joanne dearie .. I really don't know, I'm just confused at that moment ... it just brings me into another dimension, & caught me off guard , thus the actions ... I know its kinda stupid, but well ... I musn't have any feelings for him, & I won't .. love is superficial afterall ... I know I won't find any happiness in it ... "

" Juliet dearie .. your actions seem to betray what you have just spoken ... if you detest love that much, you wouldn't have respond to Reagan's approach .. "

I went silent after hearing that. I know how ironic it was for me to keep rebuking Joanne, when my own actions just betrayed my feelings.

" No matter what ... we both are binded by the truth, which makes it impossible for both of us ... & I shan't further explain myself. " I spoke in a harsh tone.

Joanne went silent upon hearing my harsh tone. I felt apologetic for using such an harsh tone on her, but I just got to strengthen my stand towards how they are piecing me & Reagan together.

-----------------

I went home in a joyous mood. It has been quite some time since I've experienced such mood during my schooling days. I was determined to create more of such opportunities between me & Juliet to reminisce the long lost memories between us, to once again smile together with her when she is happy & also to cry with her when she is sad.

" Ah pa ... " I greeted him upon entering the house.

" You seem to be in a joyous mood today .. hur ~ something happened good at school today ? " Dave responded.

" Hmm .. sort of .. I just happened to find back a long lost memory .. tee-hee "

" Hur .. long lost memory ? "

I nod in response to dad's bewildered face.

" Ah pa .. can tell me more about your courtship days with ah ma back then in VJC. afterall I'm studying where you both used to be .. hurhur "

" Hmmm ... those were the days .. long forgotten by many graduates, but it used to be one of the greatest love story in VJ back then .. haha "

" serious ? ! ? "

Well, my dad ain't the type of person that you would see doing all the romantic & silly actions for girls. Whenever I sneak a peep at his old school photos, it just dawns on me that he is the typical & conservative type which nowadays most nicknamed as "NERD" even till these days ... So its rather unconvincing for me to believe that his story in VJ back then was a hit ...

" Hur .. well everyone have their "crazy" moments, even for me ... back then I chased your ah ma with many daring moves which till today I didn't believed that I would do it, but well it was those "crazy" moments that made me thought I've win for once, but nevertheless, only to find out at a later stage I didn't win afterall.

" huh ? I didn't quite get what ya mean with the winning ... "

Dave went silent. In his heart, he has been struggling all these years to hide the truth from Reagan. His will was wavering each day as Reagan slowly matured up. He knew He can't hide the truth forever, & someday Reagan & him got to face it. He made an unanimous decision. He has decided to start it slow, bits & pieces of long lost memory shall be slowly revealed to him.

" Ahem ... " Dad stood up from his seat & went to the drawer which contains his old school photos. I knew of his secret hideout as I used to sneak at him reminiscing these photos during my young days.

He put a pile of photos in front of me. Inside the pile contains lots of his schooling memories, some of which really do convince me that he was a "hit" back then in VJ with all those daring actions & cheeky faces made ... I was browsing through slowly until one of the photo caught my attention. This photo consist of dad & mum also with another guy, taken under a huge tree in VJ.

" Wow .. this is epic ... !! " I snorted at my dad for allowing another guy to be their gooseberry.

" humph ... well have it ever cross through ya mind that I was the gooseberry, not him ... "

" huh ? ! ? "

" that guy's name is Roy. He used to be my best buddy in VJ back then. Roy is the exact opposite of me. I was the typical nerd back in school back then, quiet, not popular, whereas he was the sporty type, very popular among girls back then. Your ah ma, Roy, & me were very good friends back then. "

" uh-uh ~ " I responded in awe of what I just heard.

" well ,, the era may have changed .. but not the mindset of youngsters , hormones were raging in us too, we were curious about love just like youngsters are nowadays ... hmm .. slowly I developed feelings for your ah ma ... even though your ah ma didn't reciprocate my feelings towards her, I still hang on my affection towards her. & well .. your ah ma just like any other girl in school back then was mesmerized by Roy. As time grew by ... your ah ma & Roy got together ... I slowly drifted away from them .. until a misunderstanding that happened between them that caused their break off, & I once again stood by your ah ma, my affections finally paid off ... "

" wow .. ah pa your affections sure pay off ar .. hurhur ~ "

" hmm .. perhaps ba ... " Dad went silent upon hearing that.

The day ended off with a punch after hearing dad's love story ... I never knew there were so much twists & turns behind dad's love story with mum.

I started to date back the conversation with ah pa 4 years ago at the hospital. At that point of time, I couldn't really figure what was dad thinking when he say he didn't miss mum, especially when he mentioned mum was someone that he hated & yet loved at the same time. After hearing his story, I deduce that ah pa loved ah ma deep down in his heart afterall, that love phobia he incurred was a resultant of his love towards ah ma. Love & hate is just a thin line in difference, the people you love the most are usually the ones that causes you the most pain .. which if were to happen would ultimately lead you to hate them the most.

I turned my focus to the book lying on the table.

"the tale of the pair of star crossed lovers - Romeo & Juliet"

I picked it up, examining the heart shape engraved onto the book. The first time i saw it was on my primary school table, & now on this book. The tale itself was a tragedy, but yet the story behind this book seems to have a different agenda in it, as there is a well-hidden story concealed within inside the book. I placed it in my bag, determined to reveal the hidden agenda behind this book.

----------------------

" dad .. what are you reading ? ? ? " I ran over to him, trying to sneak a peep at the book.

" sweetie ... I'm just reading a love tale that has a sad ending ... "

" eh .. but why a sad ending ? ? ? "

" .. sweetie .. love won't blossom all the time .. it has its ugly side too .. "

I paused for a moment,

" just like the love between you & mum ... "

Roy went speechless upon hearing that ...

" sweetie .. It can takes only a minute to get a crush on someone, an hour to like someone and a day to love someone - but takes a lifetime to forget someone "

" huh ? " I showed dad with a confused look.

" hmm .. sweetie .. yu're still too young to understand all these .. come lets continue with the story of Romeo & Juliet ... , "

Roy closed the book he was reading earlier on,

"the tale of the pair of star crossed lovers - Romeo & Juliet"

" hooray ~ !! dad ... this heart shape with the R & J letter engraved on the book is niceeeee .. can teach me how to draw it , after your story ... heee so what Romeo did after seeing Juliet ... "

------------------------

" Juliet !!!!!!!!!! " someone shouted my name from behind.

I turned around, only to see him running towards my direction. I immediately hasten my pace, ignoring his presence. Somehow he managed to catch up with my footsteps.

" Hey .. ph ..ew .. you really can walk .. !!! " Reagan catching his breathe trying to capture my attention.

I simply disregard his movements towards me, & just walked as fast as possible.

" Hey ... why are you ignoring me once again ... ? what did I do ? ... Juliet .... "

I saw Joanne up front, & immediately ran towards her, leaving Reagan alone behind.

" Ph .. ew .. Joanne de .. ar ... " I was trying to catch my breathe as I greeted Joanne.

" whats the rush .. Juliet dear .. we aren't late yet ... "

" Behind me .... "

Joanne looked behind me, & saw Reagan.

" orh ... now I know the reason, I thought it was some stalker .. tee-heee ... "

" does it make any difference ... if he is going to do that for the next 2 years ... hmmm I think I should change school after we got back our results .. "

" serious ? we are doing just fine here ... Juliet dear .. if you don't have any feelings for him, why be so particular about his presence, "

I went speechless.

" but ... "

" No buts ... Juliet dear .. just take it as test for yourself, you can't run away from him forever, moreover you claimed that you both are binded by the truth, & since you're so adamant about it, then you should not worry about getting involved with him .. right ? " Joanne interrupting me before I could continue.

Joanne was right in some ways, but after the intro made by Reagan, my will seems to be wavering, slowly faltering in front of him. I was really fearful that I might commit a mistake, going into a path with no returns.

------------------

I was feeling dejected after countless attempts to grab Juliet's attention once again. She seems adamant in ignoring me despite the fact that we are sitting next to each other. I've decided to play my trump card.

" Cough * !! " I made a fake cough attempting to capture her attention during lesson.

Then I slowly took out the book from my bag. The book that once shared our common memories.

"the tale of the pair of star crossed lovers - Romeo & Juliet"

Somehow my actions seem to have captured her attention for once, her pupils enlarged upon seeing the presence of the book.

" Why ? How come this book is with you ??? " Juliet whispered.

" It has all along been with me all this while, just like how you have always been inside my heart all this while ... " I replied.

-------------

I have been searching for this book all this while. It was Dad's last gift to me. I begun to have flash back, of how I took the book to school without dad's permission & showed it to Reagan back then. I wanted to spite dad for not allowing me to take a look at the book, thus I brought it to school, & disclaim ownership of the book, claiming I found it at the library. I only remembered Dad was searching high & low for the book, almost turning the house into a wreck, & in the end, when I was regretful of my actions after seeing how dejected Dad was feeling, I went back to the school library only to find that the book wasn't there anymore. Before Dad passed away, I still remembered vivdly his last words,

" sweetie .. take good care of the book ... the day you met your true love, the book shall revealed its hidden secrets to you .. " Dad smiled before passing away.

I controlled my tears attempting to flow out. I didn't expect the book to be with Reagan all this while. I just sat down, not knowing how to react anymore. Since the very first day, fate somehow kept interlink me & Reagan together, yet it still bind us both by a very cruel fact, as though its playing a big prank on the both of us.

At this moment, Reagan passed a note to me.

" lets meet at the school library after lessons ... "

I unknowingly accepted the note, my actions seem to have betray my own feelings once again. Deep in my heart, I was contemplating whether to turn up, as much as I wanted to avoid him, I wanted to claim back the ownership of the book. Afterall this was Dad's last gift to me.

" sigh .. I shall just turn up & claim back ownership of the book !! thats all ... I shan't get myself involved with him & that'll be the LAST I get in touch with him ... " I told myself in my mind.

RING !!!! Lessons finally ended.

" Juliet dear ? ! ? whats the plan ... shopping ? movie ? "

" Joanne dearie .. I got some reading up to do at the library .. I just need some moments alone, you carry out the plan yourself today okays ? sorry for being such a spoilsport but well made it up to you some other day .. okays ... " I said in a pleading tone to Joanne.

" hmmm .... alright ~ if you need help, do let me know ar ..don't emo in the library .. hur "

I gave Joanne a menacing look.

" Whats with the EMO ? "

" tee - heee just joking luhs .. alriteys .. shan't disturb ya reading time ... see you tomorrow okays ... byes !!! " Joanne took off in that enthusiasm she has always been potraying in her personality.

" sighs .. how I wished I've half of that enthusiasm ... " I told myself as I bring my heavy footsteps to the library.

-------------

I was eagerly anticipating the arrival of Juliet. Deep down, I knew it was a gamble when I decided to show this book to her once again. It'll trigger some unhappy memories she has with the book during our primary school days, but somehow my intuition just tells me, she has an deep affinity with the book, & she is bound to appear before me once again.

I found a secluded spot & sat down, praying in my heart, that my affections will pay off, just like how ah pa hang on his affections towards ah ma back then.

Before long, a menacing tone was heard.

" how come the book was with you all this while ? !? " Juliet spoke in a hostile manner.

I was taken aback by Juliet hostility, & stammered upon my reply ..

" well .. remembered that time ... you took off angrily after failing to open the book, I chased after you, bringing the book along with me, & it has been with me ever since ... "

" Don't you know that the book belongs to me ... why you took it without my permission ... "

" But ... it was found in the school library ... you didn't say it was yours ... how would I know ? "

Juliet pauses for a moment,

" well .. now you know .... so give it back to me NOW !! "

" hold on ... you meant that the book all along belongs to ya .. then why you claim it was found at the library back then ... "

" thats not for you to know !!! just give it back to me ~ ! "

" Hold on for a sec .. you've no proof to claim that its yours isn't it ... moreover you couldn't open the book too " I cheekily replied back to Juliet ...

" you ... !! how could you do this .... " Juliet spoke in a angry tone ..

" well .. unless you've proof to claim that it belongs to you ... " I reacted back.

" pass me the book & I prove it to you ... " Juliet said in a hastily manner.

" fine ... " I passed the book to Juliet.

Juliet attempted to pry open the book with force, but somehow it didn't succumb to her force once again.

" Just like back then ... isn't it ... " I gave a winning look to Juliet.

" phew ... why ? why can't you just leave me alone ..... " Juliet finally gave up & sat down.

I turned speechless.

Tears slowly flowed down her cheeks.

" Hey ... you okay ? I'm sorry .. I didn't meant to ... "

Juliet just shake her head profusely ..

" no .. its not your fault ... its just me .... I just couldn't understand myself .. anymore "

I looked straight into Juliet eyes,

" no one can ... under the eyes of love .. " I whispered to Juliet.

At this moment, Juliet accidentally flipped open the book she was holding on to.

We both stand in awe at this moment. It will be a time whereby we won't forget the hours, minutes & seconds to this very moment.

[ To be cont.. ]

When I saw you I fell in love, and you smiled because you knew.

2010-08-02T19:54:00.001+08:00

Love Phobia

[ Chapter 17 ]

We were given

two hands to hold,
two legs to walk,
two eyes to see,
two ears to listen,

But,

Why only one heart ?

Becausethe other one was given to someone for us to find ...

------------

" Juliet .... " Reagan said.

" huh .. ? " I responded ...

I've responded to him unknowingly. I was in fear. Somehow my intuition tells me that he knew it was me.

" that was her name ... tsk .. come to think of it .. it was real ironic how it all began & ended. I used to be so adamant about my platonic relationship with her, only to find out at later stages, it was a term that most has refered to as "love" . Yet this love doesn't consist of kisses, hugs, & even confessions. It was just a beautiful love story woven by a blanket of light & purity. Perhaps this is what love has been all about, the simple truth & vast meaning behind it .. S'Agapo "

I was left dumb founded after hearing what Reagan has said. My tears slowly flowed down the cheeks. That feeling cooped up within me all these years just exploded in a burst, it gushes out like a endless river flowing down the stream.

--------------

After my sharing, the shadow is crying again.

" hey you alright ? did you see something again ? or did i mention anything to trigger your tears ... ?? hey if I did .. I'm real sorry about it ... "

I was rather panic-stricken, cause I'm not really good with dealing such situations, moreover towards a stranger.

The shadow only responded by shaking her head vigourously.

Just then at this moment, the lights came back to life, the whole school building was lighted up again. It seems that the night walk has ended. I went into eye contact with the frightened schoolmate.

" Juliet .... " I murmured.

She was in tears, & immediately ran out of the classroom after seeing me. I chased after her. I do not want history to repaeat itself anymore. It was a scene back then which left me in regrets till now, I just want everything to come to an end.

" Juliet .... Juliet ..... " I shouted as I chased after her down the corridor.

At the end of corridor, Juliet suddenly ran into the arms of another schoolmate. I ran closer, only to find out that it was actually Joanne.

Juliet was crying softly in the arms of Joanne. & I appeared stunned, not knowing what to do. Joanne seems to be in a confused state of mind too.

" what happened ... ? " Joanne broke the ice by asking.

" sh .. she .. she seems petrified by the night walk just now ... " I stuttered.

"Juliet dearie .. its all over now .. shhh ... dry up your tears ... " Joanne whispered to Juliet.

" erm .. I think I should be getting back to my group .. see ya around ... "

I turned my back towards them & walk off solemnly. Seeing Juliet in good hands, I kinda feel at ease, but I was kinda affected by the appearance of Joanne, it was kinda weird to talk to her the way we did before in the past before that incident, & moreover she knew juliet which made things more complicated.

-----------------------

" Juliet dearies ... you ok ?? " Joanne trying to calm me down.

I nod my head in a monotonous manner.

" I'm so sorry earlier on, i was being pushed from the crowd, then I loses you ... you seem really petrified from the night walk ar ... must feedback to the senior .. tsk tsk .. " Joanne explained.

" nah its ok .... anyway its over .. " I replied with a smile.

In my mind, i was praying that it will be all over between me & Reagan.

-------------

" RIng !!! Ring !!!!!!! " the school alarm went off.

It was the first day of school after orientation. Mixed feelings engulfed me through this whole of orientation especially after i finally get to see Juliet. I was eager to see her once again, & clear all the misunderstandings & doubts we have back then.

I went into the lecture hall with anticipation of getting to see Juliet again. Upon entering, I tried to search for her, but to no avail, once again it failed just like the previous experiences I had .. I found a empty seat & sat down. It was kinda demoralizing after the numerous attempts.

" sighs ... a bad start to the day .. " I mumbled to myself.

Just then, I heard a familiar voice behind me ...

" phew ... glad we make it in time ... Joanne .. can you pls wake up early next time .. ? tsk "

I immediately turned my head around, & saw Juliet talking to Joanne. My actions seem to have captured the attention of both, & they paused their conversation.

" erm ... hi .. good morning ~ " I stuttered ending off with a smile.

I could see the stun reaction on both their faces.

" hi .. mr shakespeare .... " Joanne suddenly interrupted the awkward & tense situation between us.

It was just like the good old days, where me & Joanne will greet & make fun of each other.

" uh .. come on .. we've completed that syallabus .. isn't it .. no more shakespeare .. hurhur " I replied

" ta-haa ~ bleah .. " Joanne answered me back teasingly.

So the session ended off with that hope re-ignited in me. I knew that It was a chance not to be missed this time.

-------------------

" RING !!!! " break time finally came.

" Joanne dearie ... you .. "

" STOP !!! I know what ya going to ask .. " Joanne interrupted me before i could continue on ...

" actually .. I've been sorting out my thoughts all these time. Reagan wasn't at fault for that incident, he didn't let me down, well at the very least he was being frank with me, instead of letting me sink deeper into this misunderstanding, it was more on my wishful part that allow this friendship to have gone wrong .. I can't possibly let my pride overturn all these, to lose a good friend, " Joanne ended off with a smile.

" uh-huh .... actually .. Joanne .. I've something to confess too " I replied back.

" hmmm .. confess that you actually know Reagan ? "

" huh ? how you know ? "

" te-hee ... it all started from the orientation .. when you first met each other in the lecture hall ... the way you both looked at each other, I should have guessed that you both have something going on, well I got further confirmations during the night walk .. tee-hee "

I was speechless. Inside my mind, it was full of twirls, I'm just confused on what to do next.

" Joanne dearie .. I'm sorry .. I didn't really meant to hide it from you ... "

Joanne gave me a hug.

" Nah .. its okie .. some things aren't at the right moment to reveal, or else there will be more frictions causing more misunderstandings ... "

" Thanks for being so understanding .... Joanne dearie .. "

I started to tell Joanne the story behind me & Reagan from day one till now.

" wow .. fascinating ...the "fatum" between you both ... gosh .... " Joanne appears to be overwhelm by the story.

" "fatum" ? I would rather labelled it as a feud between the two families .. *sighs* .. I just don't know how to face him anymore, if he ever get to know the truth behind his mum departure .. "

" But ... its not your fault at all .. why let the wrongdoings of the previous generation fall upon this generation ... moreover you can't deny that "fatum" link between you both, & I'm honoured to be part of this link between you both ... tee-hee " Joanne teasingfully said.

" awww .. come on .. lets not get started again ... " I replied

" well ... afterall I know mr "ROMEO" little secrets too ... tee-hee .. I not only study with him for the past 4 years okays ... " Joanne making fun of me again.

I started to visualize in my mind, if only that fearful truth didn't exist, what will be the outcome of me & Reagan ?

" aww .. Joanne pls spare me .. I'm all confused now .. don't get it going ... "

" tee-hee .. yes Juliet dearie .. but i ought to let you know that mr "ROMEO" is a good catch okays .... look at the popularity he has .. mesmerizing all the girls here with his "SOTONG" look .. hahaha "

" sighs ...... "

" RING !!!! " it was back to lesson time.

We will be going back to individual classroom for home room period. It was also a first look at our own classroom & classmates for the next 2 years.

" hey .. Juliet dearie .. I'm all excited to know who will be our classmates ? make a guess , will we see mr "ROMEO" again .. keke " Joanne whispered to me.

" well .. its bad enough that we are in the same lecture group le .. pls spare me .. " I gave a piercing look towards Joanne.

Just at this moment, Reagan entered into the classroom.

Joanne acted as if she striked lottery, & was in a frenzy mode.

" hey ... Juliet ... you can't win the "fatum" afterall .... tee-heee " Joanne joked.

" sighs ....... "

------------

I went into the classroom, hoping for a chance to be in the same class as Juliet. Fate didn't fails me this time, as she appeared right in front of me.

I went in & sat down.

Before long, our home room teacher came in.

" alright .. class .. address me as miss Tan ... I'll be your home room teacher for the next 2 years to come .. feel free to approach me if you guys have any problem with studies or even your personal problems .. hmmm firstly let me take a good look at this class ... come on loosen up don't be so tense ... whats with all that serious look in all of you ... I'm not that scary right ? " Miss Tan ended off with a dorky expression.

The whole class broke into laughter.

" hmm .. I don't like what I'm seeing at the current class seating arrangement ... why the girls seating at one side & guys one side .... tsk humf ... I prefer to see a balance in this small community here .. guys ... don't let your ego stop ya ..& girls stop being paiseh (shy) ... okays !!! alright .. lets do some switching of seats ... that guy with that "SOTONG" look ... " Miss Tan pointed towards my direction ..

I turned my head behind ...

" Hey .. its you ... stop turning your head ... "

Only then I realised that it was me , the guy with "SOTONG" look ?

The class broke into laughter again ...

" taa-haaaa ~ yes .. mr "SOTONG" boy .. its you ... & oo ~ just for your information .. I've always this liking for "SOTONG" .. thats why i usually address those handsome hunks as SOTONG .. " Miss Tan joked.

" awwww ... HANDSOME HUNK !!! " The class sychronising together to shout, playing along with the joke.

" Thanks ... Miss Tan for your compliment ... " I replied back ...

" taa-haaa alright enough of jokes .. hmm you switch places with that lady at the middle, the petite one with specs ... "

Miss Tan was refering to Joanne, which means I'll be sitting next to Juliet. I turned my head towards Juliet & Joanne direction, to see Juliet's shocked reaction.

I nodded, & slowly approach my way towards the table.

" Good luck to ya .... " Joanne whispered to me in a soft tone, before gathering her stuff & make way towards my old table.

I sat down & take a look towards Juliet, she was clearly avoiding from keeping an eye contact with me, as she looked down the table most of the times.

" hmm .. okays .. I'm satisfied with what I'm seeing now .. this shall be the new seating arrangement .. lets gets on to knowing you guys well ... hmm who shall start the ball rolling first ... " Miss Tan asked the class.

" the " SOTONG" boy ... " Joanne suddenly shouted.

I was kinda taken aback, & soon after the class started to cheer & applause for my introduction ..

" woo .. you're becoming popular ... " Miss Tan joked.

I brave up my front, muster my courage, & walked to the front. Just at this moment, a familiar scene was reanacted in my mind, when Juliet first came over as a transfer student back then ...

"Hi everyone, my name is spelled ... R O M E O, Romeo ... I'm sure most of you have just completed that R & J syallabus during ya O lvls .. so you guys should know me at the tip of your finger tip .. "Did my heart love till now? Forswear it, sight!/ For I ne'er saw true beauty till this night."

The class broke into laughter ...

"hee .. alright enough of jokes .. I'm Reagan previously from RI .. hopefully I get to know all of you, & lets create some havoc for Miss Tan this 2 years .. okays .. "

" YEAH !!! " the class started to make some noises

" o .. & before I go back to my seat, YOU !!! ask me a question " I pointed towards Juliet ...

The whole class went silent & looked towards Juliet direction.

" s-oo-so-so you got a girlfriend named Juliet ? " Juliet unexpectedly greeted me with a smile.

The whole class went into hilarious laughter mode again.

I gave a smile back instantly,

" nahz..so u wanna be my Juliet ? " I replied back.

We both stared at each other for the first time since the night walk incident.

It was just exactly like how me & Juliet first met back then.

[ To be cont.. ]

My bounty is as deep as the sea,
My love as deep; the more I give to thee,
The more I have, for both are infinite.

2010-07-26T13:48:00.000+08:00

"A random thought. I do not believe that anything in this world is ever “meant to be”. It’s just downright nonsense. If you do not work hard for the things that you want or seize the opportunities that is being placed in front of you, even if it was “meant to be”, it still wouldn’t happen or come to pass. It’s as simple as that. Nothing in this world comes free and easy. You work hard and pay the price for what you want. Something’s gotta give. I hate it when people say, “if it’s meant to be, it’s meant to be”. What on earth do you mean by that? You’re totally not making sense at all. Be warned. I will simply roll my eyes at you or being true to character, get into a philosophical debate with you. Haha."

a quote from charmine's.

2010-07-25T22:17:00.000+08:00

Love Phobia

[ Chapter 16 ]

Distance is not for the fearful,
It is for the Bold
It's for those who are willing to spend alot of time in exchange for a little Time with the one they Love.
It's for those knowing a Good thing when they see it,
even if they don't see it Nearly enough.

-----------------

" it hasn't ended ? Me & Reagan hasn't end , which explains why I saw him today .. why ? why ? WHY ? I thought to myself ....

I just couldn't concentrate on the orientation anymore. For the rest of the day. I seem to be lost in my thoughts. Davin has tried ways & means to liven up my mood, but it was futile. Ironically, Joanne seems to be in a similar mood as me, she wasn't really herself for the rest of the day too, I noticed that change in her after the forfeit. I gathered she must have got influenced by me, thus that upbeat mood was gone.

Wind blew upon our faces, as we both sat down back to back lost in our own thoughts.

" Juliet .. I've something to confess .... " Joanne suddenly interrupted my thoughts.

" huh ? confession about what ? "

" I saw him ... "

" huh ? saw who ? "

I was kinda confused, until it struck my mind that Joanne was refering to that guy who rejected her.

" ar .. at where ... ??? " I immdiately asked before Joanne could replied me.

" that guy who shouted out the answer to your question earlier on at the lecture hall ... his name is Reagan .. " Joanne answered.

I went blank for that moment.

" you mean that ..... Re .. a ga n was the guy that you've been mentioning to me all these years ? ? ? "

Joanne nodded in reponse.

My heart sunk upon hearing that. All this while, I thought I've managed to avoid him, but in actual fact he has never once left me, he has disguised himself as an unknown figure beside me. All these years, I've heard so much about him, it was like I never avoided him at all ...

" Juliet .. I was the one that told him the answer to the question .. I'm so sorry !! it was like suppose to be our little secret . I just didn't expect to see him here today "

" neither do me ... " i muttered to myself.

" huh ? I beg ya pardon ? " Joanne asked

" ar .. nothing ... no worries dear ... " I turned my back & smiled at Joanne.

" you're really my bestie ... so forgiving towards me ... " Joanne turned around & hugged me.

----------------------------

" Reagan .. you've single-handedly saved group 1 ... well done !! " my mentor patted on my shoulder.

I just smiled back.

After the mass game session at the lecture hall, I became more popular than ever. I could hear whispers gossiping about me, giggles at my silly actions. Though I'm getting all the attention from them, but what really concern me was Juliet. I rather just have attention from her alone than to be in the limelight.

" she never forgot me !!! if not she won't be stammering & weld up tears when i replied her .. " I'm thinking to myself.

The secenario of someone grabbing her hands tight leading her to the school compound kept reanact in my mind.

" Juliet's boyfriend ? & Joanne was Juliet's friend ? "

My mind can't settle down at all, it seem to be in a twirl of question marks seeking for its own answers.

-----------------------

" You guys must have seen japanese famous show about 7 haunted locations in schools. I like to tell you that there are really 7 “rumored” haunted locations in our school !!! "

Davin started to liven up the atmosphere for the infamous night walk, the highlight of this camp. Davin started to light up the white candles formed in a circle shape, & stood in the middle of the circle.

" Juliet dearie .. this is getting so exciting " Joanne whispered to me.

VJC was notorious for their night walks. Each orientation, they will really crank up ideas & stories to make this whole night walk look like a real belief. Though I've heard of some real absurd stories about their night walk before entering, the experiencing part is really different. They really create that intense atmosphere among everyone, start to spread rumours about certain parts of the school from the start to make it seem so real.

" okays .. everyone .. you all will roam freely around the school compund in total darkness, after hearing what I'm about to share with you all, you all can choose to travel in groups or even alone if you dare ... every compartment of the school will be unlocked, & free to roam but enter inside at your own RISK ..

1st: Endless Corridor
Block 3 of science facaulty, i believe to be either from one of the floors from 4th Level to 6th Level. Many students and graduates feedback that they often got ‘trapped’ in Block 3 corridor. The feedback was that they tried to walk through the corridor but it was endless. Like they walking on the
same area forever. It happened even in daytime ... & once I even rescue my classmate who called me on my mobile claiming she was stuck in a corridor situated at there.

2nd: Haunted Toilet near Auditorium
This is actually true. A Malay cleaner in his thirties was cleaning the toilets. So he went to the rumored toilet to clean it up. As he wiped the water stains on the washing hand basins, the 2nd last cubicle door suddenly banged and made the poor cleaner jumped in fright. he looked behind and tried to find out whats behind the cubicle door but it was snapped shutted, like as though the door was stuck. He tried a few times with effort to open but with no effect. So he sighed and finished the cleaning work instead. When he about to leave the premise the toilet suddenly open with a creepy sound and the cleaner look .......

3rd: Swimming Pool
Many people do not dare to swim at night.There is a rumor that says a black figure will appear in swimming pool. First symptom is you heard a sudden splash sound from behind and then you find someone swimming at you with free style. This however is a rumor i heard from my classmates.

4th Music Studio
Many students reported seen a poltergeist inside the muisc studio. It often danced around and suddenly went into the mirror and was gone. I have checked the studio was not often in use and the investigation have to come to a halt due to a certain club member who broke the mirrors in the studio.

5th Figure in Bio Lab
One famous rumor of all. There rumored that in one of the bio technology lab, you will find a guy with pale face doing some last minute testing. The moment you turned your head and come back to face him, he was gone. it was believed to be one of the students who got killed in a motorbike accident outside the college when he was rushing for his bio practical test. More is unknown.

6th The infamous "Red" room
A story abstracted from one of the graduates

I noticed that is wasn’t getting any brighter, in fact, it was somehow getting “redder” as if we have skipped morning and went straight to another dusk, only redder. It was unbelievable red that you cannot tell if it is dark or red but for sure you can discern that crimson shade everywhere. I stopped what I was doing and got up, then I saw I was alone in the room and my friend was nowhere to be seen. I turned to look and saw a woman dressed in an old-fashioned dress similar to the 1800s. She looked fair and she seemed to be standing high in the room. From the head I looked down slowly and saw that she was standing on a stool. The stool tripped and I shrieked in horror as she went dangling by the neck. She struggled, kicking and fighting till she was now looking at my direction, her eyes affixed at me and her face was something I cannot forget for the rest of my life. I closed my eyes thinking this is all a nightmare. Then what appears to be a knife darted from outside the window and struck the woman in the neck and I turned to look a floating man was holding several knives in his hand. He then looked at me and started to sharpen two knives as he looked at me with lust. He smiled menacingly with his eyes all wide that almost drove me insane, he then started throwing knives in my direction but it kept hitting the window railings that it flung in several directions. In anger of failing to hit me with his knives, he held on the railings and started to put his mouth inside, doing “smooching” actions at me occasionally banging his head on the railings. I shouted at the top of my lungs in order to wake up from this nightmare.

These are all I known of. The 7th horror site I do not want to know as it may lead to …. Anyway for you who are existing students to find out… if you dare. "

" Spooky ... " Joanne whispered to me.

Everyone seems to be in their commotion after hearing the stories.

" Joanne dearie .. give me a million bucks, & i also won't enter that red room ... "

Despite knowing that the stories were fictional, sort of created into a make belief to make this whole night walk more creepier, but you still can't deny that fear within you. Strategies were discussed, common sense & logic tells as long as you walk in a big group, should be quite safe & sound.

" Alright ... enough of the commotion !! the night walk starts now !!!!!!! " Davin blew off the candles from the circles & the whole school building lighted up at his command.

Everyone were kinda surprised upon the brightly lighted up school compound.

" Chey .. so much for the atmosphere they created earlier on .. tsk tsk .. " everyone started to jeer at the night walk strategy the mentors has used as they proceed into the building.

I turned my direction to look at Davin, to find him with that evil grin on his smile. I held on to Joanne's hands tightly, as I proceeded in.

----------------------

" Reagan .. you must protect us later .. our whole group depends on you .... " the girls noisily surrounded me as we went in.

I nodded with a smile. I still seem lost in my thoughts. Then Pahim words suddenly struck me.

As your feelings has finally reveal themselves in front of love, your destiny awaits you ... for you shall be the key to conquer the phobia .. It shall starts from the tale of star-crossed lovers to the tale of S'Agapo."

" The phobia .... LOVE PHOBIA ?? Juliet once mentioned to me before about her phobia .... "

I was more than determined to seek out the answers she has left 4 years ago.

---------------

Everyone were in a rowdy mood, as all the groups slowly progressed into the building. Just as the last person entered the building, a loud shriek scream was heard. then the lights went off. It was in total darkness. Most of the girls started to scream & run about, including some of the guys trying to playfully create more intense surrounding among the girls, started to run about shouting too. It was only at this moment then i realised Joanne wasn't by my side anymore. All of the groups were mixed up, & were dispersing rapidly into all directions.

" Joanne !! ~ !! Joanne !!!! " I shouted at the top of my voice, but no one seem to be answering to my response. It was then I realised i was all alone by myself. All the stories I've heard earlier on from Davin seem to come alive in my mind. I was fearful. I tried to gather my courage in roaming about, careful not to enter any of the compartments.

I crept around the school blocks, until i came to a dead end. In order to progress I must enter a compartment which I don't really feel like doing so. As i look back behind me, the long corridor pathway was eerie & dark with some darkly lighted crimson shades of red shining upon it. I looked around to realise that I'm at block 3 now.

" The endless corridor ???? " I started to panick & entered into the next compartment without realising more unforseen dangers are ahead.

I ran around the blocks endlessly, trying to find someone, but somehow everyone seem to be missing. Before I knew it, I've entered into another room unknowningly. I paused to catch my breathe after all the running. Only then I realise i wasn't alone. I saw one of the senior dressed up as the fictional character ( that woman dressed un in 1800s from the story earlier on ) , then I realised I was in the "red" room. I shouted at the top of my lungs & ran out. I saw a classroom nearby & quickly ran inside to hide.

-------------

I heard a loud scream nearby. The voice was seemingly familar. I quicken fasten my footsteps to trace the voice. I was all alone after I've lost my group near the auditorium. They went haywire shouting & screaming after they saw that malay cleaner rumoured to have quit after the incident. I traced the shouting voice to a nearby classroom. I went in & caught a shadow shivering in the dark .. I decided to approach it, with the risk that it might be a mentor trying to scare me.

" hey are you alright ? ! ? " I approached the shadow asking.

Just then, the shadow leap foward towards me, & hugged me in tears. I was in total disarray & stunned. Only then i realised it was a female schoolmate that was horrified by the night walk.

I tried to calm her down, & reassured her its going to be alright since I'm here with her now. The shadow managed to calm down after some pacifying from me. It was then I find this situation seemingly awkward, she went quiet & I just do not know where to start from.

We both just sat down in total darkness in a secluded corner of the classroom. It sort of reminded me the days when me & Juliet spent our time together in the secluded corner of the library.

" those were the days ar .. " I mumbled to myself smiling.

" huh ? days ??? " the shadow spoke in a soft tone.

" ar .... no luh .. just kinda reminisce of my primary school memories with someone ... hurhur "

" I guess it must have been fun with that someone to have leave such an deep mark in you .. "

" hmmm .. not exactly .. It can takes only a minute to get a crush on someone, an hour to like someone and a day to love someone - but takes a lifetime to forget someone ... " heard of that before ? hurhur "

The shadow went silent upon hearing that ...

" sorry .. guess I must have bore you with my memories .. i guess it's hard to fathom one's heart afterall "

----------------------

My mind went blank upon hearing that phrase,

" It can takes only a minute to get a crush on someone, an hour to like someone and a day to love someone - but takes a lifetime to forget someone "

I knew it was him ... from the moment he spoke out that line.

" Juliet .... " Reagan said.

" huh ..? " I responded ...

Both of us went speechless into the night full of suspense & surprises yet to be unrevealed.

[ To be cont.. ]

Such is my love, to thee I so belong,
That for thy right myself will bear all wrong

2010-07-21T20:27:00.002+08:00

a year ago, i was being told a story about a gardener ,
that a person wanted to keeep all the flower rooted and wellgrown together with each other, let them bonded together..
watering all the flowers in the garden
to keep well and shine.

a year later, i found out ,about the story it isn't. it's just getting more and more of different varieties of flower. watering the new ons and letting the old one withered. again and again.
it grows to be a wide gardener with experience of different varieties. but master at none.
the gardener have a flower which stay with the gardener for a long time, who helped the gardener throughout the lowest point of difficulty. watching all the new varieties of flowers grow and withers off.

up till this point, the gardener slowly emerged from the dark. grows to be a great gardener. however one thing remains, there's no flowers that stays long. the gardener manage to grow different types of flowers from different places. but none stays. but as the gardener grows more and more different types, the gardener get tired of the oldest flower that stayed the longest. the gardener feel it became as a routine tiring him/her out. hindering him/her to grow new flowers. so the gardener decided to pluck it out, and remove it from his/her life. the oldest flower was upset. but the gardener decided already.

another year later, the gardener got into deep trouble. none of the new flowers he/she grows lived, all withered. he/she was all alone, this time the gardener thought of the oldest flower, all the times together and the help it gave,he/she teared. and say if only it was still around. it was then the gardener found out the true meaning of cherish.

dont throw it away just because he/she get tired of it. everyone is not perfect. stay with it because of the flaws not because of the beauty and it will know you're the true one. true faithfulness.

and this is the garden of One's.

2010-07-19T18:54:00.001+08:00

Love Phobia

[ Chapter 15 ]

Cinderella walked on broken glass,
Sleeping Beauty let a lifetime pass,
Belle fell in love with a hideous beast,
Jasmine choose a poor man,
Ariel spent her life on land,

Its all about the smile & tears;

Love is about facing your biggest fears

------------

" REAGAN CHEN !! REAGAN CHEN JUN FENG !!! "

" JULIET CHEN !! JULIET CHEN FENG LING !!! "

" Here !! " Reagan responded.

" Here !! " Juliet responded.

My mind went silent for a moment. I thought I heard a Juliet name being shouted out in this crowd. I scan around the crowd, searching for the source of voice being shouted, but somehow or rather it was in vain, because the crowd was too messy.

" I must be thinking too much ! " I thought to myself.

" Alright .. group 1 .. we are moving out from this crowd here, follow me !!! " one of the mentor shouted.

" Shit .. my group has left without me .. "

Slowly I managed to squeeze my way out through the crowd, running towards the direction of my group.

--------------

" JOANNE PEH !!! "

" Here !! " Joanne responded.

" Alrites .. last name taken, we are READY for orientation fun !!! I'm group 3 mentor Davin ... feel free to approach me if you've any problems " Davin winked.

Joanne started nudging me.

" Hey Juliet dear .. our mentor is sooooo CUTE !!! his winks so mesmerizing .. " Joanne whisper to me.

My attention shifted back to Joanne. I thought i saw him just now. I saw a familiar figure running towards the direction of group 1 that was led away from us earlier on.

" it must be hallucination ! " I thought to myself.

" uh - yaya don't get electrocuted by him ar !! " I teased Joanne, trying to forget what i saw just now.

" bleah ... he seem more interested in you though .. I noticed he kept staring at you .. "

" aiyo you think too much, I'm not interested & further more I won't snatch from my bestie okays .. hurhur "

" the two lovely ladies over there .. gossiping about me ar ??? " Davin shouted towards our direction.

Both me & Joanne sychronised our movements, shaking our head together, which led the whole group break into laughter.

" hahaha .. so group 3 has recruited a pair of our singapore version siamese twins .. " Davin joked.

The group broke into laughter again. Somehow from the start, the whole group has been solely influenced by his charisma & charm, except me. Perhaps I'm bearing a grudge from the start, he has made me the joke of the group. But I couldn't deny due to his spontaneous & light hearted conversation, he not only won over many of us, but also bond the group together. As many of our ugly sides, & jokes among one another started to be common, it wasn't that awkward anymore, instead it became fun & laughter. I guess thats the magic of orientation, or rather what Joanne has labelled as "the magic of Davin" .

----------------------

" Group 1 .. are we all present ? ! ? " the mentor shouted.

I managed to catch up with the group after some hardcore chasing. I was still grasping my breath, when i started to hear giggles & laughters around me. I looked up, only to see many pairs of eyes staring at me.

" freshie .. your name is Reagan right ? " the mentor asked.

I nodded.

" uh .. are you hard up for breath because you're surrounded by the legion of girls here !! " the mentor joked.

" huh ? "

I looked around me, only then to notice that I'm the only guy in group one.

" I'm sure the guys out there gonna be envious of you .. man .. hahahaha ~ " the mentor joked once again. The rest of the girls broke into laughter too.

" Gosh .. man I'm getting awkward in this situation .. " I thought to myself. Just then, I decided to give it all out, it is suppose to be an orientation filled with fun & laughter, there is no point feeling shy & acting as some big figure waiting to be befriend by others.

" Hey .. mentor .. tell you a secret ... this group is all about GIRLS POWER .. & there must be a reason why I'm being post to this group right .. " I replied in a gayish tone & winked at the mentor.

I guess working at One-Stop Love Service Center has really changes me alot, from the once shy guy to a guy that is able to deal with situations more openly & not feeling awkward about it. The daily interactions with customers, girls showing hints of confessions to me has somehow open me up.

The group broke into laughter through my acting. Soon after i was able to bond with the group of girls fast, & in actual fact some of them already recognised me as the " guy being showcased in One-Stop Love Service Center " . I was like a mini well known figure among them. They were eager to know all about me & were surprised over the little fact that I held.

--------------------

" Our warmest welcome to you, freshies who has chosen Arts @ VJC. VJC is proud to provide you all with a wide array of teachings and programs that will enable you to achieve your academic and career goals. While at VJC, you may participate in personal enrichment, artistic and cultural events, athletic programs, and student leadership activities. This is your community college. We seek to be an integral part of your personal and professional development too. The central focus of VJC is to create a stimulating learning environment, an environment in which you can prepare for tomorrow and all that the future can bring. Therefore, your two years start now, at this very day, at this very moment. We hope your time here is an enjoyable and rewarding experience. We've specially prepared an exciting orientation programme, just for you . Enjoy & have Fun !!! "

Davin bow & smiled towards all the arts students in the lecture hall.

Everyone in the lecture hall clapped.

" wow .. I didn't expect Davin our mentor to be holding the Arts Student Union President Role too .. a awe inspiring speech made by him " Joanne whispered to me.

" awww .. my Joanne dearie .. you're blinded by love !! hurhur "

" bleah . humpfh .. its more than being blind okays .. tsk tsk " Joanne replied.

" Alrights ... FRESHIES ... lets start the mass games !!!!!!! since we have all eight groups in this lecture hall now .. make some NOISE !!!! you won't have a chance to do so that often in your 2 years of time when you come here for endless lectures sessions .. hahaha " Davin shouted.

" okays ... this game is simple ... each group will send representatives down here to where I'm standing & pose a question to the other groups, if the other groups don't have any answers to your questions, you earn a point, the highest group with most points wins & vice versa the lowest will the group with least points & will have to do a forfeit ... sounds cool !! " one of the mentor shouted.

" YEAH !! " the freshies shouted.

" lets get started !!! "

" What is invisible and smells like banana? " group 8 asked.

" Monkey Farts !!! " someone from group 6 shouted !!

" BINGO .. !!! one point for group 6 "

" What kind of flower do you have between your nose and your chin? "

" tuLIPS "

" If John 's mom has 5 sons and their names are Ja, Je, Ji, and Jo. Who is the last one? "

" John .. -.- "

The game was ongoing with lots of laughter & fun filled lame questions.

" alright ... last question .. group 3 shall pose this question .. this shall be crucial to them, because currently they are in last position with group 1 .. & who are they sending .... * drum rolls * we have group 3 singapore version of siamese twins to pose the last question." Davin jokingly said.

the whole lecture hall exploded into laughter as me & Joanne walked down the stairs to the stage.

" Joanne .. thanks to your Davin .. we are in the limelight now .. " I said in a irritated tone

" aiya .. come on its all for fun isn't it .. tee-hee .. come on lets think of a challenging question to astonish them !! " Joanne replied.

Both me & Joanne were struggling to find a challenging question, then a sudden thought just rushed through my mind to pose this question ...

"whats the relationship between the number 220 & 284 ? " I asked.

The whole lecture hall went silent. I could see discussions going on among my fellow schoolmates. Nobody seems to know the answers.

" well done ... Juliet dear .. didn't expect you pose this question ... our trump card !! tee-hee " Joanne whispered to me.

" wow .. wow .. what a challenging question ... uh .. first question of the day that somebody couldn't answer at all .. HAILS to GROUP 3 ~ !!! we have 10 seconds left, nobody can answer ... & group 3 gonna earn points from group 1 to group 7 & proclaimed as winner for this round ... " Davin ranted.

" 5 ... 4 ... 3 ............1 " Davin started to countdown.

Just when me & Joanne thought we are sure winners for this round, someone familiar stood up & shouted .

---------------------

" All the factors of 220 are 1,2,4,5,10,11,20,22,44,55,110 & of course 220. The factors of 284 are 1,2,4,71,142 & 284.

"If i add up the sum of the factors of 220 excluding 220 itself, 1+2+4+5+10+11+20+22+44+55+110 = 284
likewise i add up the sum of the factors of 284 excluding 284 itself, 1+2+4+71+142 = 220

The sum of factors of 220 is 284, the sum of the factors of 284 is 220. The pair is called Amicable numbers. It signifies my heart only got you ... & your heart only got me ... " I stammered at the last part of my answer.

All this while, i was struggling within my heart. I frozed when i saw both Joanne & Juliet going to the stage together. I didn't expect to see both of them appearing together, let alone seeing Juliet posing that question that has been lingering in my heart since young. I was real confused, yet somwhow I can't conceal that eagerness in me to have finally see her once again.

Everyone turned their direction towards Juliet after hearing my answer.

I could see tears welding up in Juliet's eyes as she reply,

" Co ... r rr ec t ! " Juliet stammered.

Davin somehow sense the atmosphere wasn't right, & immediately divert everyone attention towards him ...

" wow wow ... indeed an challenging question .. but somehow .. we have an winner here managing to solve the mystery .. its forfeit time !!! GROUP 3 LETS RUN !! its water splashing time !!! " Davin shouted.

Everyone started to rush out of the lecture hall towards the school compound.

----------------

I was still shocked over what happen. I didn't expect to see Reagan appearing here answering an unsolved mystery I've left for him back then. I was just in a daze, unsure of what to do. My tears were slowly welding up, about to explode any moment. Just at this moment, Davin held my hands & lead me to the school compound.

" everyone lets attack GROUP 3 !!!! " one of the mentor shouted, & started throwing water bomb towards us.

I was totally lost at that point of time. I couldn't see Joanne by my side. I was searching frantically for her, but to no avail .. my tears were slowly flowing down, I just couldn't resist that feeling inside me. All i saw was Davin shielding me from the water bomb attacks, smiling to me. Soon, one of the mentor noticed Davin's actions, & started a mutiny to gather the attack point towards me & davin. we both got ultra wet due to the mutiny, & soon everyone started to laugh & joked about us,

" our President is in loveeeeee " many of the mentors jokingly teased davin.

After the water bomb attacks, I somehow manage to gather back my feelings, the water has conceal my tears well. It wasn't obvious to those who thought that I was crying earlier on. I started to search for Joanne once again when someone tapped my shoulder. I was fearful it might be Reagan, & hesitated in turning behind, only until I heard Davin voice.

" hey are you alright ? ? " Davin asked.

I turned behind to see davin & heave a sigh of relief.

I nod in reponse to his question.

" thanks for just now .. mentor " I replied.

" no problem .. & need not be so formal .. just call me Davin .. quick go get yourself dry .. & remember next time we shall be the one to incur forfeits on others le ar .. hehe .. see ya around .. " Davin winked at me, before walking away.

" Julietttttt dearie .... " Joanne started to run towards my direction.

" where were you just now ...... " I gave Joanne a hug.

" it was in a total mess earlier on, I just ran out with the crowd, so sorry dearie ... for not grabbing you along with me .. " Joanne said in a sorry tone.

" its okie luhs .. silly girl .. why apologise wor .. I was worrying for you .. " I gave Joanne my trademark smile.

Joanne gave me a hug back.

I slowly recalled back what the greek fortune teller has said,

" Miss Juliet .. sorry for interrupting your thoughts again .. but I've forseen that it hasn't ended, which is why cupid didn't continue on your future."

" it hasn't ended ? Me & Reagan hasn't end , which explains why I saw him today .. why ? why ? WHY ? I thought to myself ....

Somehow this orientation is the re-beginning of every thing ... my intuition tells me more surprises has yet to come.

Could it be the start or the end to everything ?

[ to be cont .. ]

I'll follow you and make a heaven out of hell, and I'll die by your hand which I love so well.

2010-07-16T15:29:00.002+08:00

side note,
been reading it alot recently everywhere.
the same question always pops out.
why still single?
because the right one have not come.
so how do u know the right one came?
by "feelings".
yet when it came, some say we canot live by feelings alone.
and denied the "right" person they get by "feelings".
how contradicting, they challenge their own answer with another answer of their's each time.
so which is which?
it's funny yet contradicting.
it shows how confused people are.

for i think, the factors of why people is confused :
their hearts and mind are not open.
living in fear,
fear of losing more eligible choices. - is the most disgusting fear.
fear of being hurt.
fear of wrong decisions.
fear of how others will view their choices.

if people have any of this fear,
it just meant they are not even close to begin a relationship,
furthermore, this is just to "start" a relationship.
not even talking about "being" in it.

2010-07-14T10:09:00.000+08:00

Love Phobia

[ Chapter 14 ]

We cannot live unaffected by love,

We are

most alive when we find it,
most devastated when we lose it,
most empty when we give up on it,
most inhumane when we betray it,
most passionate when we pursue it

---------------------------------

I've finally started working at " One-Stop Love Service Center ". I conclude Pahim is not only good at fortune telling, his marketing gimmick of showcasing me at the front desk work wonders, I manage to lure in numerous groups of school girls to the center everynow & then, on the pretense of getting their fortune told, but their real motive is to get to know me. For the first time ever, the limelight was shone on me, I never knew I could be that popular among the opposite sex. The daily work & all these attention has diverted away all the unhappy thoughts previously.

" Reagan .. good job done ! " Pahim patted on my shoulder saying.

" thanks .. just doing my job yea .. " I replied

" hoho .. it seems you're enjoying this limelight shone at you .. but beware .. cupid not only fire the arrows of love, but also laid traps to kill too .. hoho " Pahim winked

" huh ? " I went into a blank.

Pahim's words usually contains wisdom that not many could understand. I presume thats his greek sense of humour & laughed it off my thoughts.

" o .. ya Pahim .. will you mind from next week onwards, I only work on weekends ? I'm going for my 3 months PRE-JC ... "

" uhhh ~ sure ... go ahead ! go enjoy your youthfulness !!! young fella ... hoho ~ "

" hahaha .. yea !! back to studying !!! I sort of miss my mugging days man .. keke "

" hoho .. all the best yea ... & don't forget to come back during weekends .. the center needs you !!! hohoho "

" suries " I nod smiling.

----------------

" juliet dear ... quick make a decision .. my mum is nagging at me .. we are so late for registration for PRE-JC !!! " Joanne spoke in a hastily tone.

" yes yes .. my dear .. don't worry .. the JC won't run away right ? hehe " I spoke in a assured tone.

" can't stand you .. quick look at the choice given again & decide plssss "

" hey .. joanne .. why don't we play a little game of fate ? "

" huh ? its not the time for a game right ... "

" relax .. hear me explain .. look there are so many choices right ... you & I just write on a piece of paper respectively our choice then tally .. if its the same choice then we will proceed to that JC !!! wooooo ~ how about it ? hehe .... "

" what if it is different .... " Joanne gave me that annoyed look.

" aiyo .. it won't be .. I believe in both of our intuition .. lets try .. faster !!! hehe "

" just can't stand you & your fate .. tsk tsk ... " joanne spoke in a jokingly manner ...

Joanne thoughts start to ponder, wondering what choice will Juliet make. Slowly she started writing on the piece of paper, in mind thinking of the promise with Romeo, which was to study together at the same JC .. she folded her paper & placed it under her pillow ..

Juliet thoughts started to wander on the choice she should make. Just then, she remembered how her dad used to tell her stories of his own JC life, slowly Juliet write on the paper too. She has decided to go back to search for her dad long lost memories ...

" DONE !! " both me & Joanne say it together in a synchronised manner at the same time .

" hahaha ~ see .. I told you both our intuition gonna work wonders .. we did it at the same time .. keke " I spoke

" yaya .. lets see the results first ... " Joanne retorted.

" Lets open our paper together at the count of 3 ... !! 1 ....... 2 .... 3 !!!

---------------------

" Reagan .. so have you make a decision on the JC you want to go ... "

" yea .. Ah pa .. "

" oo ~ so which JC is that ? "

" the JC that you & ah ma went through ... " I replied.

Dave went silent. He was somehow reminded of his own story there ...

" I used to remember ah ma telling me her story of JC life when i was young .. I wanted to go back & search for her long lost memories .. "

Dave's heart sunk upon hearing that ...

" yea ... a long lost story there ... " Dave mumbled to himself

" huh ? what story again ??? " I asked ...

" oh ... no luhs .. i was saying the story between your ah ma & me ... "

" I never hear you mentioning it before, neither did ah ma tell me before ... can tell ??? " I spoke in a exctingly manner.

" its late ... some other time ba .... " Dave walked back to his room solemnly.

I was left dumbfounded in the living room. Somehow the negative response from dad tells me this story wasn't a happy one ....

-------------

I lied down on my bed, staring at the empty walls within me. Just then Pahim's words struck me again ..

As your feelings has finally reveal themselves in front of love, your destiny awaits you ... for you shall be the key to conquer the phobia .. It shall starts from the tale of star-crossed lovers to the tale of S'Agapo."

" tale of star-crossed lovers ? it seems so familiar ~ hmmmmm " my thoughts start to search back ...

" EUREKA !! EUREKA !! EUREKA !! I remembered it !!!"

I guess being with Pahim for a period of time has somehow influenced me, I've picked up some greek words from him, & like to mimic his expressions at times. Eureka is an exclamation used as an interjection to celebrate a discovery. It comes from the Ancient Greek ..

I quickly ransacked my room searching for it, the long lost presence of it ...

"the tale of the pair of star crossed lovers - Romeo & Juliet"

I finally found it ... this lost book that shares the memories of me & Juliet ... I brushed off the dust from the book looking at it once again. The words that were written on the cover still captivates my imagination. This book still carrys the mysterious aura within it, it still won't budge after all these years, this book just couldn't be flipped open.

I further explored the book, then i felt a heart shaped behind the hard cover of the book. I turned around & source for the carved shape. Then i saw it .. it was the same piece of exquisite carving work i saw back then at my primary school table. The same piece of R & J carving work on the book. The R & J was deeply carved onto the book with the heart shape surrounding it ... I remember it vividly, it was the exact same design how the R & J was carved on my primary school table. I went blank for that moment of time...

---------

" Juliet dear ... we are gonna be late !! quick .... " Joanne quicken her footsteps saying.

" come on .. its only the first day & moreover its orientation week .. relax ... don't get so excited !! hurhur .. you can't wait to see all the dashing guys ar .. " I joked.

" blah .. don't you know its always important to have a good impression to the seniors & your fellow school mates .. "

" yes yes ... noted .. Joanne schoolmate .. " i saluted her in a teasingly manner.

" sighs* should have wrote a different answer on the piece of paper back then ... " Joanne replied back jokingly.

"awww .. come on .. you're my sister !!! you won't have the heart to do so, moreover I already told you that both our intuition will work wonders .. hehe " I winked back

" yes yes ... noted Juliet schoolmate .. " Joanne mimic my salute in the same teasingly manner.

We both laughed at our silly manner, & soon after we finally arrived at the front gates of the college.

" we're gonna be here mugging for the next two years of our life ... so lets breathe in the aura of our college !!!!! " I joked

" you & your theory again ... tsk .. come on lets go .... " Joanne pulled my hands & dragged me with her.

" welcome to victoria !!! let our victorian culture lead you to victory !!! victory !!! victory !!!" shouts & cheers could be heard among the seniors as we walked pass the pathway.

It was a welcoming cheer from the seniors to us, freshies. It was kinda akward, as if me & joanne was walking in the limelight being shone at us. I guess I'm not used to this type of attention afterall.

---------------

I sat down in one secluded spot waiting for the orientation to start, with thoughts still lingering upon last night discovery. Thoughts started to intertwine with one another, making me bewildered by my own discovery.

" Hey Reagan ... its starting soon .... " someone shouted at me ...

I climbed out from my seat, & awake myself from this slumber.

" I can't possibly make new friends with this mood of mine .. hurhur .. its time to start afresh, & I shan't think no more since its all over between me & her " I thought to myself.

I ran towards the crowd, getting myself mentally prepared for the orientation.

" Alright ... arts group 1 .. gather here .... pls !!! " one of the senior was gathering us.

" Alright ... arts group 3 .. gather pls .... !! "

It was a completely messy scenario, mixing up many groups of students.

" we gonna take attendance ... so pls respond if your name is shouted !!! thanks ~ "

" REAGAN CHEN !! REAGAN CHEN JUN FENG !!! "

" JULIET CHEN !! JULIET CHEN FENG LING !!! "

" Here !! " Reagan responded.

" Here !! " Juliet responded.

[ to be cont .. ]

One half of me is yours, the other half yours-
Mine own, I would say; but if mine, then yours,
And so all yours!

2010-07-14T10:08:00.000+08:00

Love Phobia

[ Chapter 13 ]

Never say that someone completes you,
we have to feel whole even when we are by ourselves,
for needing a certain someone is not love, but dependency.
Wanting a person to become a part of your life is the best reason for having them.
So rather than search for the someone who will complete you,
wait for the person that will complement your completeness.

-----------------

" because my phobia is slowly losing to the power of love ... "

Upon reaching home, I kept thinking,

Love and fear are the only emotions we as human entities are able to express. All the others are just sub-categorical emotions. For example, on love's side there is joy, peacefulness, happiness, forgiveness, and a host of others. On the other hand, fear reflects: hate, depression, guilt, inadequacy, discontentment, prejudice, anger, attack, and so on.

Despite the two somehow contradicts each other in terms of feelings, I've combined them together all this years, the fear of love that has been developed in me since young, the harshness & reality I've seen from my parents made me believe that perhaps true love don't exists. Perhaps at one time I really do believe in the power of love when I met Reagan, but it was simply destroyed by a sudden twist of reality, the faith towards it no longer shines in my heart.

" It has all ended .. & it will ... " I uttered to myself.

Soon after I fell into a deep sleep.

-------------

" Juliet ...... Juliet ...... " I heard a familiar voice calling me.

" dad ? is that you dad ? "

" sweetie ... I'm so sorry for creating this phobia in you ... "

" Huh ? dad .. " I shouted at the top of my voice searching frantically for him ..

" sweetie ... you must understand, Love and fear can not coexist. Where one is, the other can't be also. The one will leave immediately, should the other enter its presence. If you find yourself in a situation where you are experiencing great joy, and are suddenly overtaken by fear, the joy is gone! But it works the other way too: If you are terrorized, frightened, or otherwise threatened in any way, all you need to do is turn to the love within, and the fear disappears.

There is no fear in love: true love has no room for fear. Overcome this phobia, your destiny still awaits you .... "

" dad ... dad ~ !!!!!!!! ~

--------------

Months has passed. My O levels is finally over. I've been listless & moody ever since Joanne's incident. First was Juliet, then Joanne .. slowly I began to form a wall around myself, I'm really fearful of hurting someone deep again. Through this period of time, I just indulge myself into endless studying. Ironically, despite the intense study routine, I felt I might not have achieve that expectations everyone has for me. Deep in my heart, I'm just bothered by all that has happened. I've attempted to change my lifestlye, by going for my favourite plays, doing something I liked to do, but somehow it was just a temporary measure to counter that uneasiness in me.

" sighs ... another long day ahead " I thought to myself as I walked around the shopping center aimlessly.

At that instant, a bright lighting blinded my thoughts. I stared towards the source of light.

" One-Stop Love Service Center "

Then I stared inside, there was a notice stating that they are in need of temporary part time workers in there.

" Perhaps I could give myself a try, its not like I really need this job badly, but somehow I just wanted to keep myself occupied, than to render aimlessly thinking of more things. .. hurhur " I thought to myself

I decided to walk in & approach one of the staff.

" Erm .. hi .. you've put a notice stating you need temp workers right ? "

" hohoho .. uh yes ... " the jovial fellow turned around speaking in this weird greek accent.

" I'm Pahim, the owner of this shop .. so you know what my shop sells ? hohoho "

I looked around the shop, the whole setup was more like a cafe, with the quiet & cosy ambience, tables & settings. Then I thought of the signage I saw earlier,

" Hmmm .. a cafe with the theme of love ?"

" Uh .. nono !! hohoho we are not a cafe .. we sell to our customers " LOVE " .. hohoho "

" huh ? LOVE ? "

After further elaboration from Pahim, only then I knew that it was a love fortune telling cafe.

" ar .. since you've come for this job interview, I presume you're a fortune teller yourself too ..so what method you specialises in ? "

" huh ? me .. nono I guess you're mistaken ... I was like thinking perhaps I could help in that cafe part, like pertaining to customers request for drinks, etc ... , not the fortune telling part ... "

" awww .. but usually I require my staff to have some knowledge of fortune telling too even if they are working on the cafe & moreover I'm actually searching for fortune tellers, not the cafe crew .. hmmm "

" erm .. well its not that I've no knowledge on it, I do know some astrology & zodiac stuff as I've read it on books before , but .. arrr never mind .. I guess I'm not suited for this job then ... "

"hold on for a moment .. young fella .. I think given your calibre of looks, you can attract more customers to my shop, so I've decided to hire you a, but I shall put ya at the front desk to showcase you .. hohoho ... how about that ? "

" that would be great ... thanks .. so when can i start job ? "

" any moment .. young fella .. hoho "

" Reagan ... my name ... " I gave a smile ..

" Take a seat .. reagan .. be yourself at this workplace, I don't like my workers to be intense, relax, be yourself, enjoy interacting with my customers .. "

" thanks .. so are you a fortune teller yourself ? " i asked

" hoho ... why ? you wanna seek advise ? hohoho .. I used to be a full fledged fortune teller, but not anymore. After marrying my current wife, I've stopped but i still do attend to customers when I've that urge .. hehe i guess once a fortune teller, always a fortune teller, that urge can't be get rid of .. hoho "

" hahaha ~ perhaps ba .. so you specialises in ? "

" aww ..good question .. an ancient greek method .. called S'Agapo."

" S'Agapo.... what a name .. " I mumbled to myself.

" wanna give it a try ? hohoho .. let it be my first gift to you for joining us .. "

" hmm .. I never believed in this .. but well I guess I shouldn't not satisfy your urge now .. hehe "

" hoho .. young fella .. you sure are cheeky ar .. keke .. hold on a second, let me go get my "thisavros" !!"

" thisavros .. ? "

" aww .. pardon me ..it means treasure in greek language .. hoho " Pahim gave me a smile.

--------

Pahim came back with a book wrapped up in a cloth & sat down.

" Reagan .. lets get started shall we ? " Pahim spoke in a serious tone.

I nod in agreement.

“Memories are the closest thing to reality that a person can get as he rekindles the lost time. Sometimes things happen so quickly that we can’t react to the consequences, all the remains will only be memories buried deep inside.

Memories are kept inside the heart and not the brain. What your brain remembers are logical lessons that you’ve learned each day, what your heart remembers are the emotional experience that you’ve gathered each day.

Cupid governs one's love experience & memories .. with that he spoke of the truth in your past & present ... & leads you to your future ... "

Pahim spoke sincerely & then flipped open the book he brought along with him earlier on.

"Your journey of seeking love starts the very moment you felt the tingling feeling in your heart. The happiness and sorrows that you felt across every chapter of love.

You fell, You cried and You learned. For love is something that has no beginning and no end.

Your love for her grow stronger each day as you get to know her more. You let her behaved at her most wildly side in front of you. You allow her to do whatever she wants to you. You've change whatever she dislikes, your habits, your behavior, your work attitude and sometimes yourself.

You try to make her happy everyday despite whatever problems that stirred within you.

Is all this love?

You can't speak clearly of yourself at that moment of time ...

You only know that it hurts real bad when you see her cry and your heart is contented when you see her cheerfully smiling at me.

There are only the undying three words that we tell each day. Those three simple words of simple truth and vast meaning.

‘I Love You’

S'Agapo. ..

As your feelings has finally reveal themselves in front of love, your destiny awaits you ... for you shall be the key to conquer the phobia .. It shall starts from the tale of star-crossed lovers to the tale of S'Agapo "

Pahim smiled & closed his book.

" As my feelings has finally reveal themselves in front of love, my destiny awaits me ? "

I mumbled.

[ to be cont .. ]

So they lov'd as love in twain
Had the essence but in one;
Two distinct, divisions none

2010-07-12T23:56:00.000+08:00

Love Phobia

[ Chapter 12 ]

Sometimes we need to ...

stop analyzing the past
stop planning the future
stop trying to figure out precisely how we feel
stop deciding with our mind what we want our heart to feel

Sometimes we just have to go with ...

whatever happens ... will happens

-----------

"R o m .. r ea .. gan " I stuttered.

"Can you pls stop ignoring me ? Why are you doing so ? Just when i thought lady luck was upon me for once, when my dad finally regain back to his own self, & now I'm losing a good friend without knowing why ? why must this be happening ? Ugh !!!" Reagan shouted

"Sometimes in life, when we gain something, we lose something. Losing something might be for a better cause .. "

"Stop it for once ... why are you talking like an aldut ? talking about life ? we are just children .. aren't we ? can't we just enjoy the luxury of being a children, wanting things in whatever manner we want. I just don't want to lose anything, anyone, anymore." I broke out in tears ..

"Because fate never allow me to live like a children, I've simply lose too much, everything, everyone. I just can't afford to have a good friend, then lose it again, I'm really tired of losing ...." Juliet broke out in tears while saying her piece too

"Then don't lose it .. why can't we just be good friends forever ? "

"I wish I've such naive thinking like you ... if only everything could be forever ... then i wouldn't have lose it in the first place"

I ran out of the classroom.

That was the worst day of my school life. I would have rather suffer thousands of people hurling abuse & teasing me, than to go through all this ...

I still couldn't withstand all the twists behind all this happenings .. if only dad didn't murder regan's mum ? I was confused .. Somehow it just relate me to romeo & juliet, the rivalry between the capulet & montague family, a tragedy ending ... I wouldn't want such ending happening to me & reagan, thus I've decide to leave him for good, never to see him again, I wrote a letter,

"Romeo,

so you finally found it huh ? i was comtemplating whether to hand it to you personally before leaving, but i finally decided to leave it at the hands of fate.

Do not blame me for leaving without a word, there was a lot of unforseen circumstances to bear if i'll to continue to stay on.

This is the harshness of reality, which you must learn to accept.

Someday, maybe you'll get to learn the truth behind all this harshness, but i seriously hope that you do not get to learn it. The truth always hurts, & you alone must bear the harshness of it when you get to learn it. At times i'm really envious of your naivety towards things. Through the time we spent together, somehow i really feel i'm a changed person, i learn alot from you, but i guess the truth doesn't allow me to continue on to do so. This whole thing was an irony, maybe i shouldn't have switched school, & meet you. But i do not regret in doing so, because you gave me hope, something which i really needed at this point of time.

Knowing you was a blessing but having you by my side was a miracle indeed. A miracle that i needed to keep me going, but it was selfish of me to do so. Thus I've decided to leave you for good, hoping to conceal what you should not know & hopefully you continue to live your life to the fullest.

P.S I'll remember you for life

Juliet,"

I slide it well concealed under the table, & carved a " R & J " on both our table top. It won't be easily noticed unless you really go observed it, I've leave it to the hands of fate as for whether reagan can find this letter. With my last tears, I walked out of the classroom solemnly.

--------------

I closed my diary ...

" Reagan ... sighs " I wept off the tear from my cheek.

Fate has decree so, Reagan has never found the letter, its still there after all these years. Recently I've went back to visit miss Tan on teacher's day. Though alot of things that signify our memories has been removed, it has never been removed from my heart. Only after 4 long years, I then managed to pluck up this courage to enter the school compound. All along, I really fear that somehow we both will meet inside the school. Thinking back of that day, my sub concious just overtook me, & made me go inside. Deep inside me, I really wanted to meet him again, or even sneak a peep at him. But well, after i went back to the classroom & find that the letter is still there, I knew that its all over ... & I never get to meet him that day. I presume that fate has decree so, we both are over, & I shan't think about it no more.

-------------

" Ready for your surprise ? " Joanne grinned at me ..

" Huh ? what surprise ? " I replied

" hurhur .. you got STM ? remembered last week you gave me that surprise .. now my turn to surprise you !! "

" Huh ? you really planned a blind date ? " I stammered.

" tee-hee .. maybe .. hahaha consider it a date then .. quick we are gonna be late ... I've made an appointment with that person ... "

Joanne took my hands & rushed for the bus. We arrived at a shooping mall. Upon reaching, Joanne dragged me to this shop. I was hesistant to really turn up for a date & moreover I wasn't really interersted in other guys, at that instant, the lightings on the shop just blinded my thoughts.

" One-Stop Love Service Center "

" Huh ? " I stared towards Joanne.

" Yes .. this is my surprise .. for youuuu " Joanne replied

" for what .. ? I'm not even attached .. whats the use of coming to this love service center ... hurhur "

" its supposingly a love fortune telling shop ... alot of my friends came & consult about their love life, & gosh it was damn accurate, & alot of their status went from single to into a relationship lor .. it really helps..you know .. keke .. "

" aww .. gimme a break .. Joanne .. you know that I'm never into this kinda stuff ... "

" thats why its worth a try ... they got all sorts of methods inside, from tarot, fengshui, astrologies, etc ... its so cool isn't it ... & moreover you've promised me last week that you will give me the honour of surprising you lor .. huhrur "

" sighs .. oh well .. I guess I lose to you for once .. okays fine lets enter ... "

" tee-hee .. muacks .. thankies .. we both shall be changing our status soon !!! hoooo ~ " Joanne ranted.

---------------

Upon entering inside, we were usherd to a empty table, & soon after a fortune teller came to greet us in this weird accent.

" I guess many of us were born into this world due to the love blossom of our parents. They in turn were products of love of their own heritage. All these went back thousands of years since the first of homo-sapiens.

As we live and grow older, we sometimes ask ourselves.
“When do humans actually start loving one another?”

Why do we always feel nervously happy when we see someone we like and dull when we see someone we don’t?

Was all this the work of God or genetic human evolution?

Some believe love was spread by Cupid from ancient Greek mythology
So he was rightfully known as the God of Love and everything that got to do with love was associated with him.

Answers that you’ve always yearn of knowing.

This is where it all begins in your life. "

" wow .. what a cool introduction by this guy ... " Joanne whispered to me.

" yea sure .. indeed .. marketing gimmick ma .. tsk tsk " I replied.

The fortune teller smiled, & replied us in his greek accent

" so my lovely ladies .. as my intro has stated, I expertise in using an ancient greek method to help you both with regards to love matters, hmm .. as for whether it can really helps you both, I can't gurantee, but I shall be able to give you good advise & hope for the best in your love life .. "

" so what is this ancient greek method all about, care to elaborate ? we've never heard of it .. " Joanne excitingly asked.

" sure .. my fair ladies .. this method originated from the greek mythology,

Once upon a time there was a king with three daughters. They were all beautiful, but by far the most beautiful was the youngest, Psyche. She was so beautiful that people began to neglect the worship of Venus, the goddess of love and beauty. Venus was very jealous, and asked her son Cupid (the boy with the arrows) to make Psyche fall in love with a horrible monster. When he saw how beautiful she was, Cupid dropped the arrow meant for her and pricked himself, and fell in love with her.

Despite her great beauty no-one wanted to marry Psyche. Her parents consulted an oracle, and were told that she was destined to marry a monster, and they were to take her to the top of a mountain and leave her there. The west wind took her and wafted her away to a palace, where she was waited on by invisible servants. When night came her new husband visited her, and told her that he would always visit her by night and she must never try to see him.

Although her invisible husband was kind and gentle with her, and the invisible servants attended to her every desire, Psyche grew homesick. She persuaded her husband to allow her sisters to visit her. When they saw how she lived they became very jealous and talked Psyche into peeking at her husband, saying that he was a monster who was fattening her up to be eaten and that her only chance of safety was to kill him. Psyche took a lamp and a knife, but when she saw her beautiful husband, Cupid, she was so surprised she dripped some hot wax onto his shoulder, waking him. He took in the situation at a glance and immediately left Psyche and the magnificent palace she had been living in disappeared in a puff of smoke.

Psyche roamed about looking for her husband, and eventually in desperation approached his mother, Venus. Still angry, the goddess set various tasks for Psyche, all of which she passed, with a bit of help from ants and river gods. But in the end, Psyche still got human limits, & finally passed away. Thereafter, Cupid heard of all this from the ants & river gods, & was touched. Thus he came up with this method "S'Agapo." meaning I love you .. to commemorate the departure of psyche & also to help humans in their love life. "

" wow .. touching ... sweet !!! " Joanne mumbled.

" This love story somehow touches my heart, & convince me that coming here might not be a bad idea afterall .. " I thought to myself.

" indeed, greek mythologies never fail to amaze us with their wonderful stories . isn't it .. hoho shall we start then ? "

" suries ... my friend Juliet shall start first ... "

" hur .. me ? " I was still short of reponse to what was going, as I was still indulging in the beauty of the story told earlier on.

" ar .. Juliet .. nice name you've .. ~ you must be searching for your romeo then ... hoho "

" Yes .. she is ... " Joanne answered before I could reply ..

" Jo .. an .. ne I don't believe in this, I just company you .... " I stared at her .

" ar .. I see .. alright let me take a look .." the fortune teller interrupted me before I could continue on.

At that moment, the fortune teller flipped open a book with lots of ancient greek writings on it, I felt my heart accelerating as he flips open the book in this quiet atmosphere.

" It is of the most unusual places that the two of you first met. The arrangement seems like destiny sets it’s foot upon. Both of you continued from this meeting and became friends as time goes by …uh .. i see .. a love tale that binded you both together, when the two of you met for the second time, there was already the feeling of likeness felt within each other. There were plenty of opportunities in knowing each other better with the help from fate, It was a match made in heavens until a twist of fate destroys this relationship."

The fortune teller closed the book upon saying his piece.

I went silent. Joanne stared at the both of us. The fortune teller broke the silence.

" so .. miss Juliet, that was your past .. right ? at least thats what Cupid has told me .. hohoho "

In my mind, it was full of thoughts, how did he ever manage to know so much ?

" Miss Juliet .. sorry for interrupting your thoughts again .. but I've forseen that it hasn't ended, which is why cupid didn't continue on your future."

" but .. its has all ended isn't it .. he never even read the letter I left for him back then, this 4 years, I've never seen him .. " I thought to myself.

" Because your phobia has been challenging fate all this while, but slowly it is losing ... to the power of love ... "

The fortune teller ended off with a smile.

" because my phobia is slowly losing to the power of love ... "

I mumbled.

[ to be cont .. ]

Love looks not with the eyes, but with the mind;
And therefore is winged Cupid painted blind.

2010-07-12T23:52:00.001+08:00

Love Phobia

[ Chapter 11 ]

What we need to know about loving is no great mystery.
We all know what constitutes loving behavior; we need but act upon it, not continually question it.
Over-analysis often confuses the issue and in the end brings us no closer to insight.
We sometimes become too busy classifying, separating, and examining, to remember that love is easy.
It's we who make it complicated.

-------------

" dad .. can i ask you a question ? "

" sure .. sweetie ... "

" That auntie Josie I saw today ... is she a very good friend of yours ? "

Roy went silent.

" dad .. have you ever loved mum before ? "

" sweetie .. love is a very complex subject .. its not something I can explain to you in sentences & words ... "

" dad .. I may not know love .. but the way you stare at auntie Josie today betrays your thoughts .. the tears that weld your eyes after seeing her ... its something that won't happen between you & mum ..."

" sweetie .... "

I interrupted dad before he could continue on ..

" dad .. perhaps love is not as complex as you made it sound like .. its you people that made it complicated .. isn't it .. "

I walked away without saying good night.

Utter disappointments, broken promises, betrayals, quarrels are just part of this family. It just shut myself from others. I hated that young boy with auntie Josie today, yet envious of him. That parental love that I seek so much seems so far from me, that young boy has taken my share of happiness. Its a ironic fact that how alduts often think that we childrens might not know anything but in actual fact, we are the one that see most clearly. Though we may not interpret or understand it, but that feeling just tells it all. Since young, that has been the way of communicating with my parents. My dad did try efforts to change this system, but it was futile, the grudge has been laid, the way I do not understand him, & how I was often teased by my school mates just shuts me out from others. It was an phobia inside of me. I just can't describe this feeling within me, all i know that it was something that I'm fear of & never want to approach it.

-------------

I closed my diary. Through this years, I never failed to update my feelings inside this book of secret. Every now & then, I would just take it out & read. Perhaps thats the only way that I could communicate with that inner side of me, that phobia within me.

" Hmm .. come to think of it ... that little young boy beside auntie Josie reminds me of him .... they sure look alike .. " I thought to myself.

" Ugh .. crazy thoughts .. " I mumbled to myself.

Recently, somehow my thoughts just swayed to his existence. Its like after so long, I've conquered myself to avoid him & it was successful but recently all these crazy thoughts just came to me.

" I guess I must be mugging too much .. come on Juliet .. its not the time to think of him ... its all over between me & him ... "

I just buried my head under my pillow & dozed off.

------------

" Juliet ... the day after .. you'll switch school ... " Mum spoke in a cold tone to me.

" But why mum ? I'm happy there ... " I rebuked.

" Happy in school or with that young boy ? " Mum retorted.

" But thats not being the point .. why pull Reagan inside this conversation ... "

" tsk .. humpfh .. then you gotta question your dear father why ... "

" huh ? what has it gotta do with dad ? why ? why ? why ? " I shouted.

" you want to know why ! I shall tell you .. because your dad murdered that young boy's mum !!!! "

I went silent ..

Dad murdered Reagan's mum. That was the most absurd thing I've ever heard of.

" Don't believe me ... go ask that useless father of yours ... !! "

Just at this moment, dad came into the picture. He was speechless. He seem to have overheard the conversation between me & mum.

" sweetie .. listen to your mum ... "

" dad .. did you really .... m u r ... d " I stammered.

Before i could continue on, dad suddenly shouted ...

" YES I DID !!! I KILLED HER !!! I MURDERED HER !!! "

-----------

I woke up abruptly. I still could feel that freeze down my spine. That shout from dad just woke me up. It was a nightmare.

" Phew .. for once I thought history was repeating itself again, why am I reenacting this whole scene again... tsk "

I immediately freshen up myself, before wash-up. It was the last day of my paper. The long awaited day after 4 long years, the day that will end this part of my journey, & renew with a new beginning soon after.

" Juliet dear ... prepared for your rendezvous with Romeo later .. hehe ? "

" yes .. Joanne .. more than prepared .. "

" ooo .. who am I to question the top literature student of the school ... tsk tsk "

" yea .. bleah ... come on its the last paper .. brighten up !!!" I shouted.

" aww .. not for this paper .. literature has always been a killer ... if not for you .. I wouldn't have taken up .. " Joanne replied.

" Come on ... you did enjoy too right ... the romance of Romeo & Juliet .. "

" Yea .. maybe the romance part .. but not the exam part .. hahaha " Joanne joked.

" hahaha .. bleah come on .. lets give our last surge ... & we shall go celebrate later ... I got a surprise for you ... "

" ooo ~ SURRPISE ? "

"uh-uh ~ " I nodded

" What is it ? Don't keep me in suspense, or else I no mood for paper ... hehe "

" Nono .. its meant to be a surprise .. so you'll know it later .. tee-hee "

" Alrights ... " Joanne spoke in a moody manner.

----------------

" YAY !!! Its finally over !!! our 4 long years ..... woooooo !!! " Joanne ran out of the hall shouting.

That sense of achievement, the 4 years that has been slogged, the amount of time spent mugging, has finally come to an end.

" Joanne ... you've just passby O levels .. 2 years later .. you still got the A levels .. " I joked.

" awww come on .. Juliet .. don't be a spoiler .. don't even mention it please .. at least let me enjoy for now !!! "

" taa-haa .. yes my dear .. so ready for your surprise ? "

" of course .. couldn't be more than ready ... " Joanne gave me that smirk look.

" taa-daaa !!!!!! 2 tickets for tonight Romeo & Juliet play ... at esplanade theatre "

" Gosh ... my dear Juliet .. can't you get enough of R & J .. we just finished it ... you know .. "

" yes I know I know ... but it is a very good play, I've heard good comments about it .. you know & its their last day .. "

" sighs ... what to do when you got a friend that is so obsessed by R & J ... seems that I got to company you ... "

" tee-hee ... I knew my Joanne dear wouldn't leave me alone ... at the most .. I give you the honour of surprising me the whole of next week .. tee-hee "

" orh - oh ... you meant it ... I'm gonna surprise you with blind dates ... hahahaha " Joanne joked.

" yes yes .. you & your blind dates .. can we leave missy dear ? or else we gonna be late you know .. "

" Alrights ...... "

-----------

The whole esplanade theatre was packed. I presume it must have been a very good play, which explains the crowd inside. I was getting all excited despite the long queues in line.

" Joanne .. its so cool isn't it .. the whole layout ... of the theatre .. just like back then in shakespeare play ... "

" I got to admit , its fascinating, the whole atmosphere inside here ... I guess you didn't made a wrong choice .. "

" of course , I wouldn't recommend you the wrong things okays .. haha "

Just when I'm still enjoying this whole atmosphere inside the theatre, I thought I caught a glimpse of him.

" Could it be him ? It can't possibly be him right ? " i told myself.

I went into panic mode, hoping that all these were just an illusion. I immediately hide my face behind the brochure I was holding, in pretense of reading it.

" what are you mumbling about .. Juliet ... " Joanne asked.

" nothing luhs ... "

The whole play went on as planned. I was having mixed feelings throughout the whole play.

" what if it was really him ? what if he saw me ? "

I was thinking of all possibilities that could have happened. I wasn't prepared for all this at all. At that moment of time, I only wished to leave as soon as possible, yet i was fearful that my departure now will create a commotion, & he will notice it, I can only pray that the play end soon, & I can leave without him noticing.

A glooming peace this morning with it brings;
The sun, for sorrow, will not show his head:
Go hence, to have more talk of these sad things;
Some shall be pardon'd, and some punished:
For never was a story of more woe
Than this of Juliet and her Romeo.

Finally the play ended.

" ENCORE ! ENCORE ! ENCORE ! "

Everyone in the hall started to applaud at the wonderful performance put up.

After the crowd started to disperse, I pulled Joanne hands & walk swiftly out of the crowd.

" Whats the rush ? Juliet .... "

" No luhs .. was getting a bit heat up inside .. the ventilation ought to improve a bit ... orh ... "

Joanne gave me that half belief look.

" Juliet .. you saw it right ? "

" Huh ? saw what ? "

" saw that I really wasn't myself through the play ... "

I gave a confused look.

" I saw him just now .... " Joanne spoke in a slow tone.

" him ? "

" yea .. I didn't expect to see him at this occasion, only then I came to realise that he was a R & J fanatic like you ... so come to know of it, it really wasn't a shock, but somehow it really came as a surprise like you said ... hurhur "

At that moment, I only came to realize that the him Joanne refering to was that guy who rejected her.

" I'm sorry .. Joanne .. I didn't know ... "

" No its ok ..you need not apologise .... its not really your fault ... I guess I'm the one that is affected by it & can't seem to let go entirely yet ... "

I gave Joanne a good hug.

" anyway thanks dear .. you must have noticed it somehow, thats why to get me out of this akward position, you rushed out right .. hehe " Joanne smiled.

" huh ... erm yea .... "

I decided to continue on with this white lie, I guess Joanne wasn't in a state to know what really happened too. It was so coincidental that Joanne met that guy & I somehow seem to have met him too. I guess it was really a night full of surprises, & somehow my intuition is telling me that more surprises has yet to come.

[ to be cont .. ]

Love is a spirit of all compact of fire.

2010-07-11T10:38:00.000+08:00

Love Phobia

[ Chapter 10 ]

To love is to suffer.
To avoid suffering one must not love. But then one suffers from not loving.
Therefore to love is to suffer, not to love is to suffer. To suffer is to suffer.
To be happy is to love. To be happy then is to suffer. But suffering makes one unhappy.
Therefore, to be unhappy one must love, or love to suffer, or suffer from too much happiness.

------------

It has been weeks since that incident. Joanne never contacted me again.

" Argh !!!! Why must it happen again ??? It first happen to Juliet & now Joanne .... "

I shouted at the top of my voice.

" Why ? Why ? Why must we have love .... since its existence is just to let people suffer ... "

I broke out in tears.

------------

" Because ,

To love is to suffer.
To avoid suffering one must not love. But then one suffers from not loving.
Therefore to love is to suffer, not to love is to suffer. To suffer is to suffer.
To be happy is to love. To be happy then is to suffer. But suffering makes one unhappy.
Therefore, to be unhappy one must love, or love to suffer, or suffer from too much happiness.

I hope you're getting this down. "

Juliet muttered.

" It seems contradicting .. I seem to get it & yet don't get it ... Argh !! why must it be so complicating ??? " Joanne said in a fustrating tone.

It has been weeks since Joanne fell out of love. All along she has been mentioning to me about this particular guy that she was interested in. Since the day I knew Joanne, this guy often appeared in our conversation. Its quite an irony given the fact that through this 4 years with Joanne, I've still no idea who is this guy, whats the guy name, etc. I conclude Joanne was deeply infatuated with this guy from the start. Weeks ago, Joanne came to me in tears, claiming that she fell out of love. She was rejected after showing hints to this guy. Since then, she has been restless & lethargic till now.

" my dear .. from the start, it was never going to be easy ... but fret not for its not the end of world isn't it .. " I gave Joanne a hug.

Joanne broke out in tears again.

" you're still the best to me .. Juliet .. "

I gave Joanne my trademark smile.

" Of course ... you're my bestie for the past 4 years .. uh-urh.. Remember my heart only got you & your heart only got me ..the 284 & 220 story ? tee-hee " I winked at Joanne.

" aww how gross .. that was meant for a couple .. " Joanne jokingly said.

" yea .. you're gonna be my lesbian partner for the rest of your years .. hahahaha bleah .. "

" hahaha .. thanks my lesbian partner .. I felt much better le .. " Joanne gave me a hug.

" okok we better stop this hug before people might really think we are lesbians ... hahah " I told Joanne.

" yes my bestie ... muacks .. " Joanne gave me a flying kiss.

" awww so sweet ... " I playfully catch her kiss in midair, & place it upon my chest.

-------------------

" you're back home finally .. you should stop staying over at your grandma house .. its so old & tattered . " Mum said in a huaghty tone.

" whats the point of living in a maisonette without any warmth in it " I thought to myself.

I just walked back into my room without even replying my mum. I've been living in this cold "palace" ever since my dad departed from this world. Ever since I grew up as an infant, my memory only consist of my dad giving me endless love, bringing me up with his unrequited love & support. My mum was a career minded person, since young, I never get to see her often. She was often away for business trips, & even her presence brought fear to me, as she always carries a cold aura around her. She was renowned for her selfish, cruel, harsh acts in the business world, thus my image of her has never been angelic.

I still remembered at a point of time, I became autistic due to the fact my school mates often teased me about my dad bringing me to school. All the others have their mums clenching their son/daughters hands tightly, whereas this scene never happened to me at all. Despite dad was always around for me, I never learn to appreciate this fact at that point of time only until now. I was always trying ways & means not to let others see my face. I even came up with a stupid idea of wearing a yellow raincoat to school despite rain or shine. As an autistic young child, I felt so helpless back then. I can only cooped up myself in corners, hoping not to attract attention from others.

My phobia towards humans slowly grew. But my dad never gave up on me. He brought me to stay with grandma. Only from that point of time, I slowly learned to open up myself to others. That period of time was the sweetest memory I have, despite living in a small compartment, I can find endless love & warmth in it. Everyday there will be endless laughters & fun within the compartment. Despite I have opened up myself, i still got this fear towards other people. My grandma & dad slowly encourage me to interact & even later propose the idea of switching school, so as to let me interact more with kids around my age.

The switching of school was nevertheless the best part of my school life. For once, i was excited to go school & learn, & played with kids around my age. Somehow at a later part, it also turned out to be the saddest part of my school life.

-------------------

" Beep Beep " my handphone signalled a incoming sms interrupting my thoughts.

[ hey Juliet .. free on sunday ? ]

I take a look & deleted it away.

Through this years, I've endless suitors but I've show no interest in any of them. Deep in my heart, I have not forgotten him all this while. The last I've seen him was in a newspaper cutting. " The TOP PSLE STUDENT OF THE YEAR " . That particular year, there were 2 top students with the same score. One was him, & the other was actually me. There was no reports of me after I have decline to have any reports on me. At that moment when i spotted him on newspaper, I was really shocked. I kept wondering could it possibly be him ? Fate seems to intertwine between both of us since the day we first met & even till after I left him. But my strong willed power told me since I've made a decision in leaving him, I've to go against fate, & never ever look back. It has been 4 years, & finally somehow I've won against fate.

" Yawnzzz .. why did i suddenly think of him again ? tsk ... "

I guess I'm having too much thoughts tonight, I covered my face in pillow screaming

" Juliet .. Its all over ... get to sleep !!!! "

----------

There are many different types of love in this world, thus there are many different ways of expressing love. What revolves around that love, and the many different circumstances, trials, and tribulations that a love might face can greatly influence the outcomes of that love. These trials and tribulations can also be seen as different literary elements when used in plays. When looking at Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet, he used many different themes and elements to provide complexity to the love story. Shakespeare cleverly takes the main theme of the play, love, and ties in other elements such as time, stage imagery, and language to pull the whole play together in a way that makes one think about the play on other levels.

A love that must revolve around time and is not allowed to take a.....

" Juliet .... " Joanne suddenly screamed at me from behind before i could continue on with my essay ...

" Gosh .. can you stop scaring me ? tsk .. I'm in the midst of my Romeo & Juliet ... hurhur " I sounded in an fustrating tone

" Sorry luhs .. dear .. " Joanne sounded in a regretful manner

" tee-hee thou shall be forgive !! " I replied

" Ugh ! stop talking in classic english .. it somehow just remind me of him , you know something .. you both really love literature alot .. always seem to see you both busk in Romeo & Juliet .. ar .. tsk tsk "

" come on .. it just happens to be a subject that we gotta take for o levels .. don't take it to heart okays ... don't even link me to him ar .. tsk "

" yaya whatever ... bleah ... hmmm can i ask you something ? "

" suries my dear .. " I replied.

" Do you think that i should still keep in contact with him ? He seems worried about me .. ever since that incident . He has sent me hundreds of sms through the weeks, but i never replied any at all .. "

" Hmmm ... well from the start, you both didn't even started .. & being able to muster up his courage to tell you the truth ... this guy ain't too bad " I laughed

" Or-orh ... don't tell me you're interested in him .. so protective of him .. hurhur .. " Joanne jokingly said.

" No way !!! I'm not interested in a raffles nerd ... hahaha "

" oeii .. so you're saying I like a nerd lor ... booo "

" hahahaha ... okok enough of jokes .. but seriously speaking you should ask yourself .. are you still able to see him as a good friend & not as someone you like ? "

" hmmm .. to ask me to just simply forget a guy that I'm secretly in love for the past 4 years ... is not an easy feat .. "

" haha ...to be in love is merely to be in a state of perceptual anesthesia." I said

" yea i suppose so ... ugh .. I'm so confused right now. "

" if i were you, perhaps i sent a sms telling him that you're alright ? at least assure him that you're still alive .. tee-hee "

" uh - uh ~ "

" As for what happens at a later stage ... wait till after O levels ba !!! its time to mug .... we are just weeks away from O levels !!!!! "

" awww .. spoiler ... don't even remind me of it ... tsk tsk "

[ to be cont .. ]

Journeys end in lovers meeting

2010-07-11T10:37:00.002+08:00

Love Phobia

[ Chapter 9 ]

This quote doesn't really need much explanation since it describes what Men and Women want when it comes to love.

For Men, let's admit it, our first instinct when looking for our first girlfriend is for us to be her first. We want that girl or woman to be pure and virgin and for some, tend to get possessive and not let go of her which can be attributed to a man's primal instinct of being territorial not only for territory, but also for his mate. The feeling of being the first one into a woman's life is always special just like owning and riding a brand new car.

Women, on the other hand, are more sensitive and subtle towards love and romance. Most, if not all, are more patient and don't mind being the first, second, third, or so on, for their partners, as long as they are the last love of their partner's life, pertaining to the quote“til death do us part.”

“You don't love a woman because she is beautiful, but she is beautiful because you love her.”

--------------

" Reagan, hurry up ! you're gonna be late on your 1st day of school .. " Ah Pa shouted

" Alrights ... " I replied

I gave myself one last look at the mirror before heading out. I'm not trying to be vain, neither am I vain. Afterall it was my first day of secondary school life, & to be studying in the prestigious Raffles require me to uphold the school's pride by dressing up smartly. Afterall, a prestigious school's uniform is sure to attract attention when you took a bus or train to school. Therefore I made sure I don't embarrass myself by wearing a tardy & crumpled uniform. The first impression upon people determines a battle to be won or not.

" Gosh .. you're finally done .. & you look good on your 1st day !! go electrify all the aunties on trains !!! hahaha "

" Come on .. Ah Pa .. enough of jokes okays ... I'm getting the jitters, I've no idea what secondary life is going to be like .. "

" Relax son .. just enjoy it & do your best okays .. "

I gave a nod, before heading out of house.

" Phew .. Just in the nick of time to catch this train, or else I gonna be real late ... " I mumble to myself.

I manage to find a corner seat, & settled down. I missed the primary school days whereby I could sleep in late, as i just only need to take a bus trip worth of 5minutes & now I need to travel a train journey worth 40minutes in order to get to school.

" Sighs ... " I shut my eyes hoping to get some precious sleep time

Soon, I heard a bunch of giggles sound coming directly opposite from me. I have my eyes opened, to find a bunch of school girls standing opposite me, staring towards my direction, giggling at me. The first reaction that came upon my mind ..

" Ar .. they must have noticed that I'm from Raffles, so I'm grabbing their attention .. " I thought to myself

Soon, I noticed people around my vicinity whispering, staring at my direction, giggling at me. I thought to myself,

" wow this uniform sure does wonders, I seem to be in the centre of attraction now, I guess being able to study in Raffles sure is cool "

Just when I'm busking in all this unneccessary attention, suddenly a shout emerged beside me.

" Ug .. H . !!! pervert !! " shouted a school girl.

My immediate response came,

" where ? ! ? "

I looked around, only to notice that I'm the only one sitting beside this school girl. I gave myself a look, to find that my pants was unzipped.

" Gosh .. " my face turned red at that moment.

I zipped up my pants, & hide my face behind the bag. The school girl beside me was sorta shocked too & hide her face behind the bag as people around us started to laugh at this incident. Within seconds. the train stopped, I immediately took my bag & rushed out of the train to save myself from the embarrassment.

" Goodness gracious ... it was the most embarrasing thing that could have happen " I thought to myself.

Meanwhile, I try to waive off this embarrasing incident off my mind, & try to divert attention on my handphone. I unlocked the keypad & went stun for a moment.

"This wallpaper .. the school girl from the incident earlier on ... " I stuttered.

I must have taken the wrong phone in that panicky situation ealier on, & so co-incidentally we both were holding the same exact model & colour of handphone.

--------------

Break time came, & I decided to muster up my courage to use her phone to call mine. It wasn't long before someone respond.

" Hi You're ??? " came the response

" Erm... I think you took my phone by mistake earlier on & now I'm holding on to your phone ... "

" Huh ? you're joking ? this model & colour I'm holding on .. hey . wait a second ... "

There was a long pause before she respond again ...

" How come you got my handphone ??? " she responded in a panicky voice.

" Erm .. I thought i told you earlier on, somehow there was a switch of handphones between us, "

" ya .. but how did we switch ? ugh .. never mind .. can we meet to get back my phone ? "

" ya thats my plan too .. "

" ok .. 6pm at bishan mrt ... we shall meet then .. byes "

--------

I arrived early. Thinking back of the morning train incident, & how we both swtched our phones & now meeting each other again. I sense that the situation is going to be real awkward later on. From the conversation earlier on today, she seem to have not noticed that the guy holding on to her phone now is the "pervert" she shouted this morning.

" Sighs .. what a day man .. this is getting so crazy " I told myself

Her phone meloday rang. I answered

" erm .. hi .. I've arrived at the station already, I'm wearing Raffles school uniform .. "

" raffles uniform ? "

" ya "

Then came the long pause before she reacted.

" you're that pervert !!! " A sound came from behind.

I turned around.

It was her.

We both went speechless with the phone still in our hands. It wasn't a moment of silence before she started laughing, & somehow i was influenced by this atmosphere to find how silly this incident was, & i started laughing with her too.

" Hey I'm sorry .. this morning shouldn't have shouted "pervert" at you .. i was too tired, & dozed off, so I didn't quite know what was happening until i woke up to find that your pants were unzipped & my instant reaction was i encountered some pervert .. hehehe sorry .. my friends have explained the whole situation to me "

" Nah .. not exactly ya fault ... Here is your phone .. " I smiled handing the phone to her.

" hehe .. & here's yours ... nice phone we are using ar ... " she smiled back ..

" ta-haa yea .. o I'm Reagan by the way "

"Joanne " she responded with a smile.

---------------

& that was how it all started between me & Joanne. Our unique encounter into becoming friends. I'm asking her out today to clear the misunderstandings that shouldn't have started in the first place. I decided to heed my dad advise, to tell the truth to Joanne.

" Oeii .. waited for a long time ? " Joanne gave me a pat from behind.

" Uh-uh ~ "

" you seem to be in deep thoughts wor ? "

" Hmm .. yea i was thinking about how we first met .. "

" Aww .. "pervert" incident ... hahaha " Joanne laughed

" Haha .. yea .. time really flies .. it has been 4 years since that incident, dating back we were only sec 1 back then & now we are actually progressing to JC soon .. "

" ta-haa indeed ... time really flies & we are closer than before .. isn't it .. " Joanne smiled.

" yea ... Joanne .. friendship is like a violin; the music may stop now and then, but the strings will last forever, just like how i wish both our friendship can last forever.. "

Joanne was speechless. I continued on..

" Every time you cross my mind, I think how lucky I've been, to have you as my special friend all this while. We study together, shared our secrets with each other, its a bond which i wouldn't give up for anything else in this world. I wish to make clear to you that maybe recently my actions & words has affected your feelings towards me, causing some misunderstanding, somehow it shouldn't be happening in this manner, at least not in the manner between this special friendship we holds, so i truely apologise for any misthoughts I've given you during this time, & hope we can continue to maintain this friendship bond."

I could see tears welding up on Joanne's eyes.

" of course .. silly boy ... we shall & we will continue to maintain this friendship between us, we each take different paths in life, but no matter where we go, we take a little of each other, everywhere. okays ? " Joanne replied

I nodded.

" As for those misunderstandings .... "

Joanne interrupted me before i could continue on ...

" No .. Reagan .. its okays .. no need to clarify it .. its no longer important ... hey i just remembered i got some project work to do & need to go off ... i see you ard okays ... " Joanne ran away in tears.

At that instant, I felt guilty. I knew it was coming but I just couldn't bear the sight of this scenario. It sort of remind me the day when Juliet took off from the classroom & never returned. I was thinking will Joanne ever return ?

The truth hurts, but somehow the love hurts more. I recalled back Juliet mentioning having love phobia ..

Have I created a love phobia in Joanne ? Her first love experience seems totally destroyed by me ...

[ to be cont .. ]

Some Cupid kills with arrows, some with traps

2010-07-11T10:34:00.000+08:00

Love Phobia

[ Chapter 8 ]

“Love is like swallowing hot chocolate before it has cooled off.
It takes you by surprise at first, but keeps you warm for a long time.”

-----------------------

Joanne words has caused me to wonder,

"my heart only got you & your heart only got me"

back then my relationship with Juliet was love ? why am i so eager to see her once again ? was it because she might be that little girl wearing the bright yellow rain coat back then or was it because of my desire to see her once again ?

Thoughts just ran wild through my mind.

A sound coming from my labtop broke the silence. Joanne nudge me on msn.

[ -.-''' so free ar ? not muggin .. still got free time to nudge me ? ] I typed out.

[ don't make me sound like those study nerd ! I got a life too okays ]

[ yea .. so wassup ? still not going to dreamland ? ]

[ nothing much, just chatting with friends, surfing the net, browsing through my msn contact list & so happen to see your name .. so just disturb you lor .. tee-hee ]

[ -.-''' so I'm so random ar ? tsk tsk ]

[ hee no luhs .. in fact i was thinking upon what you said today ]

[ huh ? what did i say today ? ]

[ o.0 seriously u forgotten ? STM (short term memory) seh !!! ]

[ yea my bad .. so what did i say today ? ]

[ humpf ... "so perhaps we both are so fated like this pair of number ... matching one another ... " remember ? ? ? ]

i paused for a moment. That sentence wasn't meant for Joanne. It was meant for Juliet. I must be somehow mumbling to myself at that moment, & Joanne took it for real.

[ well .. i was thinking about what you say & amazed upon the fact that both of us have some fate thingy going on ... ] Joanne typed

[ erm ... ]

I hesistated, wondering should i explain the whole situation to Joanne. Somehow she seem to have misunderstood, but yet I'm fearful of hurting her in the process.

[ ? ? ? ] Joanne came with the immediate response.

I seem to have lost myself , not knowing what to reply. I stared blankly at the screen.

[ yea ... fate works in a magical way, matching the both of us tgt ... don't you agree ? ]

I was shocked to see that appearing on the screen. Ben has came into the room unnoticed & type on my behalf sending it out to Joanne.

"Ben .. what the hell are you doing ? " I shouted at him.

"Woo .. take it easy man .. I'm helping my cute little brother here to chase a girl .. " ben replied

"gosh ~ you put me into deep shit now !! "

I somehow have sunk deeper into this misunderstanding now.

"come on relax man .. chill .. you are already in sec 4 .. & yet no GF at all .. I'm starting to think you might not like girls .. but well you just prove me wrong .. hahah "

[ how you expect me to reply ... put it so bluntly ar .. hurhur *shys* well gtg ..cya ard ] Joanne came back with the reply.

"Woo .. shy girl .. good work reagan .. inherit my genes afterall ... hahaha"

I simply just ignore what ben said, & Joanne reply. I just stick my head under the pillow, trying to imagine all these are just hallucinations, ain't true at all.

-------------

I woke up the next morning in a confused state of mind. I was wondering did yesterday incident happened at all. I turned to my labtop, seeing Joanne signed off message, then i came to realise that it ain't a dream afterall, everything did happened. I thought i could just deceive myself by going into a deep slumber but it was a futile attempt.

"Ugh .. i shan't think too much .. maybe its not as bad as it may looks " I mumble to myself before dragging myself out from bed for wash-up.

The morning breeze blow gently across my face as I strolled along the fateful route again, the bus-stop to take bus 284. It has been years since i took this route. After I have graduated from my primary school, & a new bus service that was introduced to the neighbourhood making it more convinient for me, I've somehow forsake this route. Somehow as i grew up, memories of my mum slowly fade away from me. I no longer reminisce much about her. Perhaps it has been due to the fact that my dad was more concerned about me for the past years, he no longer went back to his drinking days ever since my dengue incident.

Today, my intuition just triggers me in taking this route again. Perhaps its due to what Joanne shared with me, the 220 & 284 numbers. Somehow it just struck me that this route still exists, all the childhood memories between me & this route, & most importantly the story between me & Juliet.

Perhaps, my intuition was telling me that I might meet her again, after all these years.

I finally arrived at the bus stop. I came to realise nothing much has changed after all this years. The same old bus-stop structure, with its paint slowly peeled off, the rust can be clearly seen. Somehow its not as packed as it used to be after the new bus service was introduced.

Soon, bus 284 came, & i boarded. It was empty. I went to the seat that me & Juliet often sat back then. It was situated at the rear end of the bus, we named it the R & J corner back then. I sat down, reminiscing back the days with Juliet back then. I still remember vividly what she once said,

"it can takes only a minute to get a crush on someone, an hour to like someone, and a day to love someone but it takes a lifetime to forget someone"

I slowly retract back my thoughts into why she said that, & then suddenly remembered about that book that wouldn't open.

"the tale of the pair of star crossed lovers - Romeo & Juliet"

It has been with me all along this while. We took it out from the library without returning it. I have forgotten about its existence all this while. At that instant, I was like trying to remember which corner of the room I've put it in. Then the bus suddenly came to a break, interrupting my thoughts.

I stared out of the window, seeing it was a bus-stop. I guess the bus driver didn't expect someone to be there & just continue to move on untill he came in sight with someone, & suddenly came to a halt.

Someone boarded the bus.

I focus my sight upon the figure walking slowly towards my direction.

It was JOANNE. I went blank for a moment before coming back to reality.

" er .. how come you're here ? " I asked

" stalking you lor ... tee-hee .. " Joanne replied

All this seems so familiar, its just like a reenactment of what happen with Juliet back then, just in a different scenario.

" Huh ? come on .. stop joking .. you don't live around this area "

" hahahaha .. yaya .. i came to find my friend who lives around here luhs .. bleah .. "

" O ... " I went speechless after acknowledging her. Somehow it seems so akward carrying on a conversation with her after thinking back what happen last night.

I was struggling to tell her the truth, what really happen last night yet my mind just holds me back in fear of hurting her.

" yea ... she was also the one who told me about the 220 & 284 numbers .. one of my bestie at school " Joanne smiled.

"She must be dropping some hints mentioning about the pair of number again " I thought to myself

" Hey .. ain't it a coincidence ? we both taking bus 284 now ... " Joanne said.

" yea .. I used to take this bus alot .. during my primary school days ... haven't took it for recent years " I replied her not in a right state of mind.

" uh-uh ~ for recent years haven't been taking it, & today you just have the urge to take it, & we both just met ... haha " Joanne laughed.

" gosh .. I somehow have just given her the idea that we both got fate ... " I thought to myself.

This is getting so crazy. I just don't know how to react now. Just at that moment, the bus turned into the intechange & stopped. I heave a sigh of relief, knowing that this was my best chance to get out of this situation. I quickly grab my bag & quicken my footsteps.

" Hey .. Joanne .. got something urgent .. got to rush .. i see ya around .. take care "

I ran out of the bus, not even waiting for her reply.

---------------

The rest of the day, my mind just couldn't concencrate on whatever things I do. I was in a dazed state, wondering how could ever such things be happening to me.

I sat down at the living-room staring at the space blankly.

" Taking a break from study ? " Dad came out from his room asking.

" Huh ? ooo ~ yea .. " I replied back snapping out from my thoughts.

" So hows school getting on ? stress ? "

" Not too bad .. still manageable .. gathering my last burst of energy towards O lvls "

Dad nods.

" Don't stress yourself too much, I know you are up to the task, just face it with a calm heart .. & do your best "

" yea .. Pa no worries .. " I smiled back.

Before dad went back into his room, I suddenly voiced at him,

" Pa .. you got time for some chit-chat ? "

" Always for my son ... " Dad smiled at me.

" So what you wanna talk about ? having some problems ? " Dad started off.

I slowly explained the whole story between me & Joanne to him.

" Hmmm .. so my son has grown up, getting into a relationship problem ar .. haa "

" Come on .. gimme a break .. its not even a relationship in the first place .. its like so absurd. I've known Joanne for so long. All long it was maintained as a good friendship between both of us, studying together, sharing to each other & now because of some misunderstanding, all things got to change. I really hope to just maintain a platonic relationship with her .. you know "

At that moment of time, I recalled back my relationship with Juliet back then. I just don' want history to repeat itself again, hurting the other party, & ending up losing a good friend.

" Reagan .. a good friendship between a guy & girl is more complex than you can think of. Its not that kinda buddy relationship with your guy friend. Every little actions will be taken into count, because girls are more sensitive to feelings, actions done by you. Sometimes they may even be confused upon the fact whether are you interested in her & stuff, & this can lead to many unneccessary misunderstandings. But well since you're clear about it, then its only fair for her to know about it too, considering you both are good friends isn't it .. "

I nod in agreement.

" Find a time to have a good talk with her, but be tactful about it, its not in our family tradition for a guy to hurt a girl's feelings okays .. "

Dad patting on my shoulder.

Dad's words somehow calm my mind a bit, & it was only right for Joanne to know the truth too. Though I know it mights hurts abit, but it was neccessary to avoid further & deeper hurts in future.

[ to be cont .. ]

Love looks not with the eyes but with the mind

2010-07-07T23:45:00.000+08:00

Love Phobia

[ Chapter 7 ]

When you have nothing left but love, then
for the first time you become aware that love is enough.

---------------------

A month has passed since then. I never heard any news of Juliet again. Life went back to the monotonous pace.

Between tragedy and comedy the transition is often but slightly marked. Thus Romeo and Juliet differs but little from most of Shakespeare's comedies in its ingredients and treatment--it is simply the direction of the whole that gives it the stamp of tragedy. Romeo and Juliet is a picture of love and its pitiable fate in a world whose atmosphere is too sharp for this, the tenderest blossom of human life. Two beings created for each other feel mutual love at the first glance; every consideration disappears before the irresistable impulse to live for one another; under circumstances hostile in the highest degree to their union, they unite themselves by a secret marriage, relying simply on the protection of an invisible power. Untoward incidents following in rapid succession, their heroic constancy is within a few days put to the proof, till, forcibly separated from each other, by a voluntary death they are united in the grave to meet again in another world.

All this is to be found in the beautiful story which was told long before Shakespeare's day, and which, however simply told, will always excite a tender sympathy; but it was reserved for Shakespeare to join in one ideal picture purity of heart with warmth of imagination; sweetness and dignity of manners with passionate intensity of feeling. Under his handling, it has become a glorious song of praise on that inexpressible feeling which ennobles the soul and gives to it its highest sublimity, and which elevates even the senses into soul, while at the same time it is a melancholy elegy on its inherent and imparted frailty; it is at once the apotheosis and the obsequies of love. It appears here a heavenly spark that, as it descends to earth, is converted into the lightning flash, which almost in the same moment sets on fire and consumes the mortal being on whom it lights. All that is most intoxicating in the odor of a southern spring, all that is languishing in the song of the nightingale or voluptuous in the first opening of the rose, all alike breathe forth from this poem. But even more rapidly than the earliest blossoms of youth and beauty decay does it, from the first timidly bold declaration and modest return of love, hurry on to unlimited passion, to an irrevocable union; and then hasten, amid alternating storms of rapture and despair, to the fate of the two lovers, who yet appear enviable in their hard lot, for their love survives them, and by their death they have obtained an endless triumph over every separating power. The sweetest and the bitterest love and hatred, festive rejoicings and dark forebodings, tender embraces and sepulchral horrors, the fullness of life and self-annihilation, are here all brought close to each other; and yet these contrasts are so blended into a unity of impression, that the echo which the whole leaves in the mind resembles a single but endless sigh.

As i wrote the last sentence on this piece of essay, I paused thinking.

"How ironic given the fact that i used to think that Romeo & Juliet has a happy ending to it, yet only till now that i found out it has a sad ending to it."

All the classic english that i used to not understand seems to reveal itself in front of me now. I can imagine myself living in shakespeare's era & excel in their command of language, indulging myself in their era of romance, the simplicity & yet complex mindset towards love.

All this years, no doubt I've not experienced love before, but I've seen many that went through it, busking in the sweetness of love, & yet suffering in the bitterness of love. I often wondered is it really worth pouring all your emotions towards love, thinking back the relationship i've with Juliet back then, was it really considered love?

------------

"Oeii .. Mr shakespeare .. " someone suddenly snapped my thoughts.

"Joanne .. stop sneaking up on me "

Somehow it just reminds me of the days when Juliet often sneaked up on me.

"bleah ... tee-hee " Joanne sticking out her tongue.

Joanne is an unique friend of mine. She has been my study partner through this years. We often met up just to study. Though we are of different school, our calibre of academic wise are considered on par. That strengthen my decision to pair up with her to benefit each other in academic results. Through the years, she has not only fufill her requirement as a good study partner, but also as an good listener to me.

"thinking of which girl seh .. so deep in thoughts .. " Joanne teasing me.

"just thinking of someone ..."

"HER ? " Joanne asked

I nod my head.

"Hmmmm .. after all this years, still can't get her off your mind ? " Joanne asked

"I'm just unsure about my relationship with her back then, you know its just so ironic that i was so adamant about my platonic relationship wih her towards my brother back then, & now feeling so unsure of my feeling towards her"

"hmmm .. ever thought before .. perhaps you've read too much shakespeare, causing all this unneccessary thoughts." Joanne replied

"maybe ?"

"you know .. sometimes, its not the things that have changed, but its the humans that have changed isn't it .. tee-hee" Joanne smiled

It was exactly what miss Tan said. Perhaps what both of them said are true. My platonic relationship with Juliet hasn't change, but its just me that have changed.

"Come on .. snap out of love, concentrate on our studies... yea .. O levels is just a few months away from us."

"hey .. its not LOVE .. its just ....."

"yaya not love .. my bad .. lets switch subject okays .. hahaha" Joanne interrupting me before i could complete my sentence.

---------------

I'm meeting Joanne today at the library again. Recently we have been meeting quite often due to the fact that exams are coming. Its quite ironic in a way that Joanne & I only meet during exam periods. Both of us formed a common understanding with one another, whenver exams draw close, we just contact each other to meet up to study. Through this period of time, we not only study together. but also helped each other to de-stress by sharing each of our own secrets & lending that pair of listening ear to one another. Its weird in a way given the fact that we don't contact each other oftenly, & yet can pour our own heart matters to one another. I often think that perhaps its due to the fact that we are not close with one another, thats why we are able to pour to one another, not fearful of leaking out our own problems.

"Sorry .. I'm late .." Joanne ran towards my direction hastily.

"As usual .. kinda used to it .. " I sacrastically replied

"Oeii .. gentleman are suuposed to wait for ladies de ma .. claim you are shakespeare expert & you don't know that .. " Joanne rebuked

"yes .. my fair lady .. thou art wait upon you .. "

"tee-heee ... bleah " Joanne sticking out her tongue

"Hey i just discovered something special today ... " Joanne said

"uh-uh ~ what ? that I'm handsome or cute ? " I jokingly replied

"come on .. knock it off ... let me ask you a question first ... "

"hahaha okay .. " i responded

"whats the relationship between the number 220 & 284 ? "

I was taken aback by her question. It was so familiar, i seem to have heard of it somewhere before.

"ehh ..... "

"stuck le right ? mathematician expert ? " Joanne getting back at me as her results for maths was always lower than me.

"indeed .. i just couldn't find the relationship between this 2 absurd number .. " I thought

"tee-hee .. let me solve it for you ... " Joanne replied

"All the factors of 220 are 1,2,4,5,10,11,20,22,44,55,110 & of course 220. The factors of 284 are 1,2,4,71,142 & 284.

"If i add up the sum of the factors of 220 excluding 220 itself, 1+2+4+5+10+11+20+22+44+55+110 = 284
likewise i add up the sum of the factors of 284 excluding 284 itself, 1+2+4+71+142 = 220

The sum of factors of 220 is 284, the sum of the factors of 284 is 220. The pair is called Amicable numbers. Don't you find it fascinating ? Out of so many numbers, this pair just matches each other. My friend said that this pair of number just signifies," my heart only got you, & your heart only got me ... " so romantic right ? "

I was stunned. I finally remembered the question Juliet phase to me before.

"you know something, my birthday & our bus number 284 has a significant meaning to it .. teehee thats why somehow or rather i love to take bus 284 to school."

"February 20th & bus 284 ?

"February 20th = 220 .. so 220 & 284 matches with one another." I mumbled to myself.

"Huh ? ya both of them matches .. but wait whats with the february 20th ? " Joanne asked.

"o .. nothing luhs .. wow indeed so fascinating " I replied

So thats the relationship of 220 & 284, the mystery that i can't get to solve all this years.

"yea ... I simply loved this pair of number ... my birthday falls on 28th april, making it look like 284, so i'm so mesmerized by this pair of number now."

"you know something .. my birthday faills on 20th february .. making it look like 220 .. " I replied

"serious .. GOSH ... " Joanne shocked with my reply ...

"so perhaps we both are so fated like this pair of number ... matching one another ... "

"yea .. maybe " Joanne responded with some shyness.

----------

I flashed back towards why Juliet pose me this question back then. The relationship between 220 & 284. Both our birthday falls on the same day, 20th February. Our fate with the number 284 bonded both of us together. I was thinking what Joanne said, this pair of number signifies "my heart only got you, & your heart only got me"

Perhaps back then, both me & Juliet really experienced such thoughts before ..

"my heart only got you & your heart only got me"

[ to be cont .. ]

Love is not love which alters when it alteration finds.

2010-07-07T23:43:00.000+08:00

Love Phobia

[ Chapter 6 ]

Some people come into our lives and quickly go.
Some people move our souls to dance. They awaken us to new understanding with the passing whisper of their wisdom.
Some people make the sky more beautiful to gaze upon.
They stay in our lives for awhile, leave footprints on our hearts, and we are never ever the same.

-----------------

"HAPPY TEACHER'S DAY .. Miss Tan"

All of us went foward to give her a hug.

"awww .. its been 4 years & you guys never fail to visit me each year .. gosh all grown up teenagers now le"

"taa-haa .. how can we forget our most popular form teacher during our primary school ar .. " I said

"hee .. as usual always a sweet talker .. Reagan .. no wonder the class selcted you as monitor back then ... so how's your preparation for o levels coming along ?"

"no sweat .. " I winked

"come on miss tan .. you expect a Raffles Insitutition student to sweat over o levels .. you must be kidding ... " the rest snorted

"well .. its good to be confident .. but don't get too complacent .. but well i'm not that worried for reagan, afterall he topped the nation in PSLE .. "

"taa-haa .. not exactly miss tan ... to be exact, someone has the same score as me so i can't be considered as number 1 .. hurhur " I said

"top student acting humble again ... " the rest jokingly said

"yaya .. if i don't be humble .. you all accuse me of being proud again .. tsk tsk blah" I replied

"Knock it off .. you guys .. still so rowdy as ever ... top student or not .. doesn't really matters, most important is that you all live fruitfully, doing your best in whatever you do " Miss Tan said

"Yes .. Miss Tan !" All of us replied in a organised manner ..

"you guys .. hee " Miss Tan embarrasingly said

----------

I walked around the school compund, searching for memories back then. It has been 4 years, each year i come, new changes have been made to the school, but bits & pieces of memories still exist around our school compund. The field that my classmates & I used to run around during reccess, the hop skotch drawn by us, the once familiar canteen that we rushed to during break, the assembly hall that we mustered every morning, the school emblem & of course not forgetting the classroom that companied me during my last days of primary education.

I walked slowly towards my classroom back then.

Everything seems so familiar but yet at the same time seems so misplaced, the black board we used to have has been changed to white board, a desktop computer placed at the teacher's desk, the colourful & creative designs of notices board, but some things remains the same. I went to my seat, it was still the same desk i used back then, all the drawings & wordings on the table accumalated over the years, with different batches of students using it, each with their own stories to tell behind every each of this drawing. I was examining each & every one of it, then i saw a carving, " R & J " .

" R & J .. could it be Romeo & Juliet ? " I mumbled to myself

"Juliet .. eh .. " this name suddenly strike me again after 4 years.

Juliet .. a name that has left such an vivid impression upon me, I guess I won't forget her for life, despite the short period of time she was with the class, that part of memory that we both shared really meant alot to me. I still remembered how she introduced herself to the class & came to sit beside me, & then how it all started with the whisperings during lessons, & chance upon the novel "Romeo & Juliet" in the library, & then how she came up with all those questions that i can never answer her.

"weird .. how come i never saw this R & J carving for the past 4 years ? it just appeared at this batch ? " i thought to myself

I examined it closely again. the letter "R" was carved on my table, & the letter "J" was carved on the table next to it. If you never examined close enough, you wouldn't have notice it. It was an exquisite piece of carving work which i doubted it as a work of an primary school student. I feel the carving with my bare hands, hoping to get some clue out of it, but i guess it was an futile attempt afterall, i guess i've read too much into it.

Just when i was about to leave, i clumsily knocked off the table next to mine.

"Ouch !! Damn .. " i shouted

Just when i lifted up the table, i saw a yellowish stained letter well concealed under the table. i managed to take it out effortlessly.

"wow .. it must has been years since somebody claimed this letter" i thought

I know it was wrong of me to intruige into others privacy, but well curiousity still got the better of me, i decided to unreveal the content of it.

"Romeo,

so you finally found it huh ? i was comtemplating whether to hand it to you personally before leaving, but i finally decided to leave it at the hands of fate.

Do not blame me for leaving without a word, there was a lot of unforseen circumstances to bear if i'll to continue to stay on.

This is the harshness of reality, which you must learn to accept.

Someday, maybe you'll get to learn the truth behind all this harshness, but i seriously hope that you do not get to learn it. The truth always hurts, & you alone must bear the harshness of it when you get to learn it. At times i'm really envious of your naivety towards things. Through the time we spent together, somehow i really feel i'm a changed person, i learn alot from you, but i guess the truth doesn't allow me to continue on to do so. This whole thing was an irony, maybe i shouldn't have switched school, & meet you. But i do not regret in doing so, because you gave me hope, something which i really needed at this point of time.

Knowing you was a blessing but having you by my side was a miracle indeed. A miracle that i needed to keep me going, but it was selfish of me to do so. Thus I've decided to leave you for good, hoping to conceal what you should not know & hopefully you continue to live your life to the fullest.

P.S I'll remember you for life

Juliet,"

I shed my tear upon completion. It has been quite some time since i last shed a tear. Ever since the incident with Juliet at the classroom 4 years back, I've not shed a tear.

"the TRUTH !!! what truth " ugh !!! " I shouted at the top of my voice.

-------------

I walked out slowly.

My mind was in a twirl, the truth i should not know, what was it ...

"Reagan ... still around ? " Miss Tan shouted from behind.

I turned behind replying

"Yea .. just went around school seeing the changes that have been made .. "

"sometimes, its not the things that have changed, but its the humans that have changed isn't it .. hee"

"taa-haa .. true " I replied

Miss Tan smiled back.

"well it signifies that perhaps its time for the younger generation to take over my helm, i guess this is my last batch of students."

"HUH ? serious ? "

Miss tan nod back

"It'll be such a pity .. " I responded

"its time to give myself a break after cultivating so many batches of students .. " Miss Tan said

"awww .. how i wish i can be like you .. give myself a break too ... taa-haa " I jokingly said.

"come on .. young man .. you still got a long way to go .. hee "

"taa haa .. yea a long long way to go ... "

"o .. ya guess who i saw just now .. " Miss Tan suddenly changing the subject

" who ? "

"someone from your batch .. in the same class as you ... "

"HUH ? whats so surprising about that ? we visit you every year ... "

"aiyo .. not talking about you guys, this particular person hasn't visit me for the past 4 years, & just appeared in front of me today ... "

"eh .. who so ungrateful .. ? " I jokingly said

In my mind, i was thinking of all the possible names. Every year, I'll presume my role of class monitor, gathering the alumni to go back visit miss Tan. Other than a few that went disappearing in action, almost all turned up each year.

"Joel , Marilyn, Keith or Janice .. " I asked

"NoNo .. " Miss Tan replied

"someone unexpected .. i still remember on the first day how you & her flirt in class ? "

"HUH ? flirt ? gosh .. I'm too young for that .. "

But at that moment, I should have guess out who Miss tan was refering to.

"hehe .. come on .. the Romeo & Juliet in class .. isn't it .. " Miss tan jokingly said.

It was Juliet.

"Sh .. e came tooooo visit you ? I stuttered

"uh-uh ~ i was surprised too .. initially i thought you managed to contact her after all this missing years .. but it doesn't seem the case after i chat with her "

"Miss Tan .. she just left not long ago ? "

"Yup .. should be bah .. "

I ran towards the gate immediately, waving goodbye to Miss tan.

"Miss Tan .. keep in contact again .. yea .. got some urgent things to settle .. see you .. take care "

-----------

Juliet came back. My heart was pumping excitedly. Now my mind was in a confused state.

"what if i really saw her .. what should i say to her ? "

I've got so many questions that i wanted to ask her personally. Yet i was thinking that i'll be dumfounded upon seeing her. I ran arond the neighbourhood around the school to search for her. My eagerness soon turn into disappointment. Juliet was nowhere to be found.

I let out a sigh.

----------

It was the longest night that I have to to go through, the countless events that has happened today, one after another, leading to a new one every time, I couldn’t seem to catch hold any of them but just allow them to rattle through my mind.

"why am i having such mixed feelings ? "

I began to question myself

"what if ben said back then was true ... my feeling towards Juliet was love ? "

[ to be cont .. ]

Love goes toward love.

2010-07-07T23:42:00.001+08:00

Love Phobia

[ Chapter 5 ]

Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides.
And when it subsides you have to make a decision.
You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part.
Because this is what love is.
Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion.
That is just being "in love" which any of us can convince ourselves we are.
Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away,
and this is both an art and a fortunate accident.

--------------

It was a starry night. I gazed out of the window, staring at the ample sky.

"Ah Pa .. is there a possibility that ah ma has become one of the stars shining upon us, protecting us ?"

"Hmmm .. perhaps .."

"you still miss her ?"

"Hmmm .. I don't know !"

I turned around & looked at dad with confused eyes.

"Reagan .. sometimes in life, certain things are hard to explain, for instance my love towards your ah ma. I'm confsued with myself too. Your ah ma is someone whom i love & yet hate at the same time. But i guess her departure has create an love phobia inside me, a barrier which i can't convince myself to cross it. Thats why i've been escaping from reality all this while through the years. Sorry ...

"Ah Pa ... ... "

My mind went blank. I was more confused than ever. All this while, dad took up drinking not because he love mum, but to ecape from reality, to escape from his love phobia.

"Reagan .. I guess you still too young to understand the part & parcels of life, umm .. but ah pa promise you from now on, I'll stop drinking & to compensate you back this 4 years of long lost parental love .. eh wait not this 4 years only .. but for eternity "

"Serious ?"

"Umm .. " Dad nods

So in this long starry night, my dad finally regain back to the old self that i once know, but yet left me with more question marks towards love, which i can't possibly understand at this point of time.

----------------

1 week has passed since then. A whole long week of medical absence somehow compensate me the warmth & love that I've missed this 4 years.

"I'm all good & ready to go school !!!" I told myself

I missed school, my friends, my classmates & especially Juliet.

During my stay in hospital, almost everyone in class turned up to visit me except for a few, & that exceptional few consist of her. Even my classmates were confused as to why she didn't turn up, considering this short period of time, both of us were rather close to the extent that many have gossiped & joked about both of us being a couple. I was defintely disappointed yet curious to find out why she didn't turn up.

"Has something happened to her ?"
"She choose not to come ?"

My mind just went wild. Somehow I've that uneasiness within me. Everything seems to have come to an end stage, yet somehow it just signify the beginning of everything.

Upon reaching school, i glance around the school compund in hope of seeing her. I didn't get to see her at the bus-stop today. Lady luck wasn't with me afterall, I never get to see her, until morning assembly came. I took a glance at her, she was carrying a very different aura from her normal self. The way she stare at people is simply telling people to get away from her,

"This pair of eyesight seems so familiar, I've seen it before .. " I swore to myself but i just can't remember it.

Lesson time arrived, finally I've a chance to approach her.

"Hey Juliet .. so what has teacher covered for the past week during my absence ?"

Juliet was silent. She didn't even take a look at me. That pair of solemn eyes just stick close to the textbook. I was bewildered by her actions as why she is ignoring me.

"Have I done something wrong to upset you?" I asked

No response ..

Through the whole period, i was so cooped up within myself, then came break time, when i decided to unleash all my doubts on her. I found her alone at one of the empty classroom. I walked in without her noticing.

"Juliet ... " I called her from behind

"R o m .. r ea .. gan " Juliet stuttered.

"Can you pls stop ignoring me ? Why are you doing so ? Just when i thought lady luck was upon me for once, when my dad finally regain back to his own self, & now I'm losing a good friend without knowing why ? why must this be happening ? Ugh !!!" I shouted

Finally Juliet respond.

"Sometimes in life, when we gain something, we lose something. Losing something might be for a better cause .. "

"Stop it for once ... why are you talking like an aldut ? talking about life ? we are just children .. aren't we ? can't we just enjoy the luxury of being a children, wanting things in whatever manner we want. I just don't want to lose anything, anyone, anymore." I broke out in tears ..

"Because fate never allow me to live like a children, I've simply lose too much, everything, everyone. I just can't afford to have a good friend, then lose it again, I'm really tired of losing ...." Juliet broke out in tears while saying her piece too

"Then don't lose it .. why can't we just be good friends forever ? "

"I wish I've such naive thinking like you ... if only everything could be forever ... then i wouldn't have lose it in the first place"

Juliet ran out of the classroom.

"Ju .. li "

I couldn't complete what i wanted to say. I just sat down reflecting on what she said.

"so what if I'm naive .. aren't children supposed to be naive, why can't it be forever ? Even fairy tales have good endings, happily ever after .. if there are no good endings, why are there fairy tales in the first place ... " I thought to myself

I got all answers prepared to oppose her arguement in this short debate, but Juliet was no longer around.

-----------

I went home feeling lethargic & restless. I just have no mood for anything. Upon reaching home, I just lie down on my bed without noticing ben was in the room too.

"Not feeling well again ?" Ben asked across from his bed.

"you're around ? thats a rare sight .. " I replied ..

"tsk .. you're not answering my question .. & i guess you should be okay .. still got strength to rebuke back .. hur "

"I'm not okays .. not a bit at all .. "

"you don't look sick ? mmm ... lovelorn ? hahaha" Ben joked

"love again ? sighs why must it always be love ... "

"aww ... snap out of it ... stop talking like a holy saint ! next year when you're in secondary school .. you will be the one initiating lor .. taa-haa"

I shake my head.

"Kor .. you know something .. I can't even maintain a good friend relationship with a friend, let alone love"

"female friend ?"

I nod my head.

"Uh-uh ... somebody is in loveeeeee !!!"

"come on ... shook it off ! is just a platonic relationship between me & her"

"I never believe that a guy & ger can maintain a PLATONIC relationship .. taa-haa"

"tsk ... " i just kept quiet

" .. serious .. u swear you didn't have any love feeling for her, not even that bit ?"

"I don't even know how is it like to be in love , let alone have feelings for her ?" I replied

"well at least how restless & lethargic you are now betrays how you feel, isn't it so .. if is just a nomal friendship, will you be so upset over it ?"

"of course .. is a good friend we are talking here right now, who wouldn't feel so upset ? "

"tsk ... well no point debating with you right now, in future you'll just know .. "

I started to doubt ben as a "love expert" . He can't even differentiate a friendship & a love relationship. Nevertheless I'm just too tired to get that point to him, i just shut my eyes off, then i saw it ..

That pair of eyesight ... the same pair that Juliet was carrying today .. i remebered it ... i know where i saw it before ...

"The little girl in bright yellow rain coat. She carry the same eyesight when i first saw her with ah ma back then .. "

"Could it be ..... Juliet was that little girl back then ? " I thought to myself

---------------

Everything seems so fast paced. All the things that are happening, it seems too real to be true. Could it be what ah ma say .. this is the destiny that is awaiting me ?

I decided to confront Juliet the next day at school to clear my doubts. I know its going to be akward after what happened today, but somehow that eagerness to know the truth just give me the courage to approach her once again. I musn't escape from reality.

Next day back at school, Juliet didn't turn up. My eagerness turn into disappointment.

"Alright class ... I've a news to announce .. settle down fast .. Juliet has left us for a better change in environment to study. She will no longer be with us .. Reagan take note please .. can strike her off the class namelist ... okays .. alright lets get back to lesson .. "

I was stunned.

"Juliet has left ? is she avoiding me after what happen ? why ?

As much as i want to know the answers, i guess i no longer have the chance to find out. She will forever remain a mystery to me.

[ to be cont .. ]

Love is a familiar. Love is a devil. There is no evil angel but Love.

2010-07-07T01:24:00.001+08:00

Love Phobia

[ Chapter 4 ]

Ever had something special with someone, only to have it ripped away,
so u meet someone else who makes your world turn upside down and makes you so happy.
And the whole time there's still that connection between you and the other person,
only to find out years later, that person still has the same feelings for you,
and even though you love them in a strange way you'd never give up the one you're with
because they hold your whole heart?
It's complicated even when you think you've got it right.

------------------

I didn't have a good sleep.

I was tossing & turning over the questions in my mind. I dragged my body out of the bed, feeling feverish. It has been quite some time since i fell sick. I hate to fall sick, not because of the bitter medicine, nor the uncomfort level i'll have. Simply because it just reminds me of the others having the privilege to hide in their mum's warmth, despite of the medicine or the uncomfort level.

"sighs .. I'll just go school ... " I just don't want to be reminded of being sick.

I dragged my heavy foot, panting over such a short distance of route to the bus-stop.

"Phew .. never feel so sick before .. argh !! i just hate what i'm feeling right now !"

Soon dark clouds came, covering the atmosphere with its mist. Just when i anticipated the arrivial of a heavy downpour, a flash just appeared. The next moment, rain gushed down like a heavy tsunami swallowing me in it. My vision became blurred, & before i could know it, I finally collapsed.

----------

"MUMMY ~ !!!"

"Reagan ~ !!!" she gave a good hug & a kiss on the forehead.

"tee-hee ... "

"Josie ~ " someone called my mum's name from behind.

Reagan took a peak & saw a unfamiliar face. A man in his early fourties holding on to a little girl's hand. The weird thing was that the little girl was wearing a bright yellow raincoat in a sunny afternoon. Reagan just couldn't take his eyes off her at that moment, despite not being able to see her face clearly.

"Roy ~ " Josie was stun for a moment before calling out his name.

"so how have you been ? " Roy asked

"ermm .. yea life still goes on .. isn't it , o .. by the way I' married, this is my son Reagan." Josie replied.

"aww congrats, good to know that you doing fine, "

Just then a honk sound interrupt the whole conversation.

"Oh .. got to go, my wife waiting for me in the car. take good care okays. Roy said with a smile seemingly familiar & depart off.

Just at that moment, Josie suddenly broke out in tears.

"mummy, why are you crying ?" Reagan asked

"nothing .. just too happy to see an old friend of mine luhs"

"huh .. you mean when you're happy, you cry too ?"

"at times ... "

Reagan was just getting so complicated over human's emotions. It was a embark of journey to further complications that he himself couldn't have understand at his age. But what couldn't be erased from his mind was that little girl wearing the bright yellow rain coat.

---------------

"Breathing okays .. airway clear .." a paramedic shouted.

"evacuate him to the ambulance now !!!"

The moment i've regain that bit of conciousness, i saw hordes of people surrounding me whispering. Just at that moment, something bright in yellow just captures all my attention towards it. I was trying hard to focus upon it, but couldn't do so & before i know it, i was pushed into the amubulance, accompanied by sirens to the hospital.

Beep .. Beep .. the medical device operating with its monotonous sound.

BANG !! the ward room door opened.

"Doctor How's my son ? ! ?" Dave barged in asking

"Okays Calm down .. Mr Tan !! your son is contracted with dengue, but has been given an injection, & is adapting to the medicine effect at the moment. The next 24 hours will be crucial, we still need further observations okays .. but do not worry, everything is under control !"

Dave is loss for words, he just lean against the wall & broke out in tears.

"Josie ... you've already left me, pls don't be so selfish & take reagan with you .."

"pls pls ... I know I havent been a good father all this while, I've done nothing for him since you left, but pls just this one time .. I beg you ... I know I've done you wrong but pls don't take away reagan from me"

"tsk humpf so you know you've done wrong" Ben came in & snorted at him

"Ben ... "

"If it weren't for you, mum wouldn't have died !!! U THIS MURDERER !!! Regan wouldn't be here struggling to fight for his life, lacking his mum support. so WHATS THE POINT EVEN IF YOU'RE GUILTY ? WILL MUM REVIVE ? WILL I BE REBELLIOUS ? WILL REAGAN GROW UP LACKING OF MUM'S LOVE ? NOOOOOOOO A DAMN NOOOOO

Ben shouted at his own father ..

I JUST HATE YOU FOR LIFE !!!!!!! Ben dashed out of the room upon saying his piece.

Dave was speechless.

----------

"REAGAN ... REAGAN ? ! ?

A familiar voice calling me. I searched frantically for the source of the voice.

"MUMMY is that you ? ! ? " MUM ... !! MUM ~ !!!" I shouted at the top of my voice

Just at this moment, she appeared, as always giving me a hug & a kiss on my forehead.

"Mum I missed you ~ !!! " I cried

"Silly boy .. mum misses you too!"

"Mum i just wanna stay here forever with you, I'm just tired of everything ..."

"No .. Reagan, you can't stay here with mummy, your destiny still awaits you."

"Huh what destiny ? !? "

"you'll know it in future ... take good care okays ... "

& she just disappear into thin air ...

"MUM ~ MUM ~ MUM !!! "

-----------

'MUM ~ MUM ~ MUM !!! " i shouted waking up ...

"HUH a dream ? ! ?" i mumbled

I reorganize my thoughts, thinking back what happen ...

"so I'm being admitted into the hospital ? "

Then i turn my eyesight across the room, seeing dad sleeping on the sofa. It has been quite some time i've seen him so sober in his sleep. At this moment, the doctor came in.

"Ar so i guess you've react to the medicine effect quite well, your temperature has gone down, just a few more dosage & you'll be happily kicking once again .. " the docotor joked

the doctor pointed towards my father

"boy .. you've got a loving father .. yesterday i could see how panic stricken he was upon hearing your news, he never leave u a moment alone since last night till now"

"yea .. i guess so ..." I replied

"ta-haa ~ alrites so faster recover .. so you can look after your dad too ar .. " the doctor said before leaving the room.

----------

Over the next few days, dad was silent. He just took care of me ensuring i took my medicine & have my meals. I was kinda touched & happy in a sense. My classmates may have their mother to turn to when they are sick, but at that moment of time i feel that i 've got a father to turn to as well. Despite he never say anything, i could feel his warmth love towards me, for the first time since mum left me ..

I slowly shed a tear upon thinking ... now i finally understand what my mum meant

"huh .. you mean when you're happy, you cry too ?"

"at times ... "

that when you're happy, you cry at times too ...

[ to be cont .. ]

Now join your hands, and with your hands your hearts.

2010-07-06T19:45:00.001+08:00

Love Phobia

[ Chapter 3 ]

All at once, you look across a crowded room for no one in particular, just looking.
Suddenly, you see him,
but, oh, how many times you've seen him before.
So why did your heart just skip a beat?
Your eyes meet by mere coincidence, or is it?
At that moment you both instantly know that the
relationship between the two of you,
will never be the same again.

Is this what we call fate ???

------------------------

she suddenly replied back

"it can takes only a minute to get a crush on someone, an hour to like someone, and a day to love someone but it takes a lifetime to forget someone"

I went speechless. I was bewildered by her reply.

"why would she relate a book to somebody, & taking a lifetime to forget that someone" i thought

More question marks came into my mind when i started thinking what she said. Before long, we both alight from the bus.

"Hmmm .. Juli ~ " before i could complete my sentence, she just walk off silently.

That was the very first time i've seen her looking so distraught. It has affected me deeply. The last time I've experienced such feeling was actually seeing my mum in a distraught manner too. It was also the day whereby she left me for heaven. Slowly tears rolled down my cheeks.

"Perhaps this lifetime I won't forget my mum, just like how Juliet won't forget that someone she was refering to." i thought

-----------------

After washup, i slowly unpacked my bag. My eyesight came into contact with the book again.

"the tale of the pair of star crossed lovers - Romeo & Juliet"

"hmmm .. so how this book can actually relate to someone ?" i was still figuring out. My thoughts started to wander off

"Her boyfriend ? cannot be .. she is too young for love ? but isn't she abit mature for a 12 year old ? I started to digress.

"Argh ... what am i thinking !!!" I'm so confused at the moment.

" REAGAN ! " my dad shouted interrupting my thoughts

"YES ? AH PA ?"

"FETCH ME MY BEER !!!"

Ever since my mum left, my dad took up drinking. I've never seen him in a sober moment ever since. It has been four long years. Back then i was too young to know what happened, i was just over grief upon the fact that my mum has left me. I only know from then on, ben became rebellious, simply ignoring my dad commands. He never told me why, but i can sense he hated dad alot. I don't really bear a grudge to my dad for not taking care of me this four years, perhaps he really loved my mum alot, till he still can't get over her. At least in this aspect, i thought i was being more mature than my brother ben. I still look foward to the day where we can be reconciled & go back to the good old days.

"ORH ~ !! AH PA ! coming ~"

---------------------------------

YAWNZZZ !!! " A New day , A New Beginning ~ !"

I stretched myself, & strolled to the bus-stop.

"Will I met Juliet today?" I wondered

Soon, the sky darkens, clouds gathered. i sense the rain coming soon, & therefore quicken my footsteps to the bus-stop.

"Tap-Tap ~ " the raindrops start to fall ...

"Urgh ~ should have brought a umbrella along" I mumbled.

Just when i was trying to find a sheltered route, Juliet came ranning to me with her umbrella. She sheltered me to the bus-stop.

"Phew, luckily not drenched !" i said

"tee-hee yea .. all thanks to me" Juliet with her trademark angelic smile again

"A hero saving damsel in distress .. " I joked

"OII ~ I'm suppose to be your heroine .. tahahah ~ " she laughed

I guess she has gotten over yesterday incident. I don't intend to bring up too, in case I'm going to feel so helpless again. Soon our bus 284 arrived.

During the journey, she suddenly asked

"Romeo, so when's ya birthday ?"

"Eh .. secret .. you wanna buy me birthday prezzie huh ?" i laughed

" 20th February" she just directly said out.

For a moment, i was taken aback. I couldn't believe what i just heard, or rather the fact that both our birthday lies on the same day 20th february.

"Hmmm ... just passed not long ago" I replied trying not to be too shaken over it.

She nods back.

"you know something, my birthday & our bus number 284 has a significant meaning to it .. teehee thats why somehow or rather i love to take bus 284 to school."

"Ugh .. what significant meaning ?" I replied

Somehow it triggered my thoughts towards my mum again. I always thought bus 284 was just a story between my mum & me. Today i finally realised some one just has another story to bus 284.

"tee-hee solve it .. & I buy you a birthday prezzie !!!" she winked

"Urgh ~ mystery solving !! I just sucks at it ... maybe i should question my dad about not giving me a detective conan's or kindaichi's brain .. "

"Bleah .. haha" she just laughed

"February 20th & bus 284 ? what meaning it can gets ? Gosh ... i simply got no link to it." I thought

Juliet never fails to give me surprises each day, first the book that won't open & now comes another mystery with our birthday & bus 284.

-----------------------

School ended for the day, i just wander around aimlessly, & came in sight with the library. I went in, thinking about morning incident.

"Perhaps i could find some book that tells me whats the relationship between february 20th & 284 ? " I mumbled

"You can never find such things on books" someone whispered behind my back

"J U L I E T" i shouted

The librarian gave me a glare, i apologised, & whisper back,

"Why are you forever sneaking behind me, hearing what i say .. hurhur "

"tee-hee bleahz" she responded

"Sighs .. fine ~ you win " i just walked towards the secluded corner, the corner where we found the book.

"So free ar ? why not going home after classes ? " Juliet asked

"Nahz .. i just wanted to be alone for a moment until you came " I replied

"Uh-uh ~ so i guess its my fault for disturbing you then ... "

"Nahz .. not really but how you know I'm here ? & why are you not going home after class ? hurhur "

"Ermmm hey you're the one that stepped into my sacred area lor !!! remember this is where i found the book, i've always been here,"

"I didn't know our library has become such a holy place" i joked

"hahahah ever since i came lor, ..tee-hee"

"so what you usually do at your sacred area?" i asked

"hmmm thinking about lotsa things ... tee-hee"

"WOW ~ a 12 year old kid got that much things to think about ? other than your PSLE this year ? I sacrastically shoot at her

"Define Love" Juliet just voiced out suddenly

"Ugh ? ! ? LOVE ? " i stuttered .

she nods ...

"Of all things .. why love & ain't we abit too young for love, at least thats what the alduts always been telling me, I was once curious about it too ya know .. "

"Because ... I've a phobia for love. Juliet responded

"Phobia for love .... ? "

Her answer left me dumb founded again ...

------------

The wind was howling strongly, causing the window to hit the ledge, awaking me from my slumber. I got up from my bad & walked towards the window.
Sparks of lightning appeared, as though flashing some thoughts into my mind.

"Oh my .. gonna rain soon ~ !" as i close tight the windows.

Just at this moment, Ben came in

"wow surprising to find my cute little brother not asleep yet ar .. " Ben sacarstically remarked.

"& its surprising to see you coming back as early as 1am" I shoot back

"woo look who's talking here man, my brother has grown up, taking over the role of my useless dad .. taahaa" Ben snorted

"yea .. whatever" I sigh

"Erm Kor ... you ever experienced a phobia towards love ?"

I still do not know why i asked him, maybe being he always claim that he is the subject matter expert on love, maybe being he has went through countless relationship despite at the age of 16.

Ben paused for a moment.

"You're asking a Casonova such questions !!! You must be Kidding ~ !!"

Somehow I sensed Ben wasn't truthful with his answers, but yet he was right to an extent. I've never seen him cry or feel sad about his breakup in his countless relationships. How would someone with such feelings ever experience a phobia towards love ?

I lay down motionlessly on the bed. Question after question just rang in my mind.

the tale of the pair of star crossed lovers - Romeo & Juliet ?
who was the someone that Juliet can't forget ?
Relationship between Feb 20th & 284 ?
& now
Love Phobia ?

[ to be cont .. ]

Love sought is good, but given unsought, is better.

2010-07-05T19:56:00.001+08:00

Love Phobia

[ Chapter 2 ]

Are you all alone?
Do you feel that you stand in solitude in this crowded world?
Do you enjoy the company of yourself or do you hate being alone?

Loneliness is not a desirable option, but often it helps to unclog one's mind. Spend a few minutes alone, away from the maddening crowds and delve deep into your soul. As you drift into the chasms of your thoughts, you will find harmony with the world. …

--------------------

ROMEO
If I profane with my unworthiest hand
This holy shrine, the gentle sin is this:
My lips, two blushing pilgrims, ready stand
To smooth that rough touch with a tender kiss.

JULIET
Good pilgrim, you do wrong your hand too much,
Which mannerly devotion shows in this;
For saints have hands that pilgrims' hands do touch,
And palm to palm is holy palmers' kiss.

ROMEO
Have not saints lips, and holy palmers too?

JULIET
Ay, pilgrim, lips that they must use in prayer.

ROMEO
O, then, dear saint, let lips do what hands do;
They pray — grant thou, lest faith turn to despair.

JULIET
Saints do not move, though grant for prayers' sake.

ROMEO
Then move not, while my prayer's effect I take.

[Kisses Juliet.]

Thus from my lips, by yours, my sin is purged.

JULIET
Then have my lips the sin that they have took.

ROMEO
Sin from thy lips? O trespass sweetly urged!
Give me my sin again.

[Kisses her passionately.]

-------------

RING ~ !!! RING ~ !!! RING ~ !!! the alarm sounded ~

My eyes opened up instantly & i saw a pair of eyes staring at me.

"ARGH ~ !!! Porsche get off me !!!" i shouted

"GOSH ~ u just interrupt my kiss with JULI ~ eh wait a min, i was kissing you just now .. ARGH !!"

Porsche barked back at me ...

"oh man what was i thinking ... having such a dream ? !?"

I was staying up till late night over this novel which I don't understand a bit, & to a have such a dream scene reenact from what i read last night.

"this classic english is getting me so crazy" i thought before giving one last yawn & proceed to wash up.

---------------------

Wind blew upon my face, as i slowly stroll to the bus stop. The routine journey to school taking bus no.284 has been the same for the past 5 years, with the only exception I'm alone now.

Dating back to how it all started, i still remembered my very first day of school during primary one, my mum holding my hand tightly bringing me to this same bustop waiting for the same bus, pacifying me to go school, despite all the cries & begging about not wanting to go school. She never fails to subdue my inner confessions & always manage to convince me just the way she wanted. It may sound like manipulation but i can boldy tell you, its not.. its just a motherly love to her son.

She stopped walking with me during primary two, or rather she couldn't walk with me no more given the fact she's no longer around with me, she has gone to a realm with eternal rest. Ever since walking this path to the bus stop everyday just unclog my mind, enabling me to devle deep into my soul, reminding me somehow or rather even without her presence, i know she is always looking after me, her beloved son from her realm.

-------------------

"Hey Romeo !!! ~ " somebody just tap me from behind interrupting my thoughts

Well i guess in this world, only somebody would call me by that name,

"Juliet, for goodness sake, stop calling me Romeo, I'm Reagan spelled R E A G A N .. hurhur"

"teehee ~ i just loved to call you by that name .. blahz !"

"tsk, humpfh next time i'm just not gonna respond to Romeo"

"hehe .. " Juliet giving her trademark smile again

"you take bus 284 too ? !? " I asked

"ya .. hey aren't you asking the obvious, we are going to school .... "

"no .. its isn't that ... i was tring to ask u lived around this area ? , since bus 284 is the only alternative to get to school from this neighbourhood"

"no i stalked you to school .. teehee" said Juliet

"come on ~ be serious for once" i begged

"haas ~ yea i lived around this area since i was born, been taking bus 284 all this while, just that someone never saw me .. teehee"

"HUH ? so u mean u saw me all this while ? "

"I never say is YOU ! i say someone .. hahahaha" joked Juliet

Soon the bus came, & we boarded. It was a journey filled with her laughter. I guess it has been quite some time since i've laughed so heartily. being with her really brightens up my day.

---------------

RINGGGGGG ~ !!!! RECESS PERIOD !!! everyone darted out of the class.

I slowly packed my books & dragged myself out of class.

"Phew finally a break, feeling so lethargic & restless, shouldn't have stay up late to read that impregnable Romeo & Juliet" i thought

"& the best part is i couldn't understand any bit of it .. other than the kissing part .. " i mumbled to myself

"wooo ~ KISSING ~ u kiss who ?" a voice came from behind

I turned around, to find Juliet crept behind me ..

"Ar ... what kissing ? !? " i acted blur

"tsk tsk u mention kissing lor" said Juliet

"you must 've heard wrongly luhs, i was saying HISSING .. you know, snakes hiss .. heh doing a project on snakes" i retorted

Juliet gave me that half belief look,

"anyway lets go to the library" she grasp hold of my hand & dragged me.

----------------------

The smell of books engulf the whole room. She started searching frantically for something on a shelf in a secluded corner.

"Ta-duh ~ " she showed me the muchly anticapated novel link between us "Romeo & Juliet"

"you found this in our library ?" i said

"i myself was surprised to find it in our library too" she nods back replying me

I took the book from Juliet, & brush off the dust from it.

"this book sure looked very old & dusty" i thought.

"the tale of the pair of star crossed lovers - Romeo & Juliet"

"wow" i exclaimed

"it sure looks as though we are on some treasure hunt quest & have found the treasure" i giggled

"tsk what treasure hunt quest, guys are always guys, always madly dreaming of treasure" Juliet said

We both sat down, still in awe of this book.

"i found it accidentally yesterday, & thought that u might want to take a look at it too, i was waiting for you to open the book together, teehee"

"uh-uh ~ " i was speechless

"come lets open it" said Juliet

I try to flip open the hard cover, but it won't acede to the force applied.

"Eh weird, i can't flip open" i said

"Come let me try"

Juliet tried but to no avail, the book also not responding to her force applied.

We both examine the book, trying to search for some opening to it, or some button or what to trigger the book in opening, but sadly we fail to do so, Juliet was disappointed.

"Argh .. come on a book that couldn't open, what a day" complained Juliet

"Hmmm no fate with the book ... i guess" i replied

"& i thought we could really read it together, what a spolier" Juliet said as she leave the library.

"Hey wait ~ " i chase Juliet taking the book with me.

-------------------

Juliet was down for the rest of the day, she was silent, not the usual her. We took the same bus home. I try to entice her into some conversations but fail to do so, she just kept quiet.

"Hmmmm Juliet about that book ... just forget about it okays"

she suddenly replied back

"it can takes only a minute to get a crush on someone, an hour to like someone, and a day to love someone but it takes a lifetime to forget someone"

[ to be cont .. ]

"Good Night, Good night! Parting is such sweet sorrow, that I shall say good night till it be morrow."

2010-07-05T18:29:00.002+08:00

Love Phobia

[ Chapter 1 ]

It can takes only a minute to get a crush on
someone, an hour to like someone and a day to love someone - but takes a lifetime to forget someone

because of that someone

My fear towards love
My mistrust towards love
My hatred towards love
My despise towards love
My loathe towards love

Can I really overcome my phobia towards love ?

-------------------

Since young, my classic idea of romantic love was emobdied in a play "Romeo & Juliet" by shakespeare. I often stared at my brother acting out the role of Romeo, busking in the love of her "Juliet", the romance gimmicks, the strong language of love, those love quotes which i often don't quite understand at that point of time.

"Did my heart love till now? Forswear it, sight!/ For I ne'er saw true beauty till this night."

Ben shouted

"So kor, you're swearing you never see any beautiful jiejie until tonight" I asked innocently

"Aiyo boys at your age won't understand pure love"

"Eh .. so what is pure love? "

"Hmmmm .. its a love that's pure"

"Ar .. so what does that mean? "

"Well ... Its when you love one person for the rest of your life... just like how i loved my Juliet"

"HUH ???"

that reply only gave me more question marks

"Aiyo for darn sake, you'll know when you grow up okays"

-----------------

Well, ever since then, it only arouse my curiousity towards love, I never fail to ask questions
that alduts themselves are stumbled upon. The usual replies are always "Too young to know love", "someday you'll know it",
but that doesn't stop me from seeking more answers until when i first met her ...

-----------------------

"Alrights class quiet, we have a new transfer student here today, let her introduce herself"

"Hi everyone, my name is ... J U L I E T , you guys know Romeo & Juliet ?? well my name is same as that Juliet .. "

My eyes brighten up instantly. i was thinking profusely

"Romeo & Juliet, Isn't that Romeo guy Kor is so obsessed with ? "

The whole class went silent, we are just kids afterall.

"who would have heard of Romeo & Juliet at our age ?
afterall I only heard of it through ben's obsession with Romeo & not to mention i don't even know its contents,
just a mere romance story that ended off happily ever after,"

i thought.

"Why are you guys so quiet ? Aren't you glad to see me" said Juliet

Everyone continue to keep silent

"Who's the class monitor ?" asked Juliet

I slowly raised up from my seat, quite stun upon her request for my presence

"You, Ask me a question !"

I took a deep breath, muster my courage & asked

"s-oo-so-so you got a boyfriend named Romeo ?"

The whole class went into hilarious laughter mode upon hearing that. I knew that was a stupid question but my mind
was just blank for that instance when she called for me.

She gave me a smile back instantly, saying

"nahz..so u wanna be my Romeo ?"

I was stun again by the reply.
Everyone's pupils enlarged upon hearing that, opening their mouth in awe of what Juliet has just said.

"Alright class, enough of jokes .. back to lesson"

The teacher interrupting the whole commotion after sensing this unique introduction was gettting way out of hand.

"Juliet .. go sit beside Reagan" ordered the teacher

At that moment of time, my blood was still gushing, I didn't know this feeling i'm experiencing within now. & before i got back to reality, someone just whispered to me by the ears,

"so Romeo, I'm assigned next to you ar .. teeheee"

My head turned beside to find Juliet sitting next by me giving her trademark smile again ...

-------------------

Well i suppose we are kids afterall. After weeks, I start to adapt to her presence, despite not talking to her much.
its quite an irony, given the fact i sat beside next to her & yet we just greet each other with formalitites & thats all.

One day, she finally broke the ice between us, she pass me a note during lesson,

"so u heard of Romeo & Juliet?" she wrote

"Hmmm..yea sort of, a romance story right ?" i wrote back

she seems surprised by my reply,

"wow, i always thought kids at our age are more into enid blyton than shakespeare..hee" she wrote

I was thinking "Shakespeare .. who was that?"

& well guys ego took place, i must show i'm knowleagble afterall, despite the fact I've never read it before

I just wrote back to her

"yea .. shakespeare romantic quotes just attracts me!
"Did my heart love till now? Forswear it, sight!/ For I ne'er saw true beauty till this night."

that quote was my brother favourite line ! i don't even know what it really means, i just always heard him saying
it again & again , till my memory don't fails me.. i guess somehow or rather it has been put to use ..

I just don't want to embarrass myself in front of her & to impress her ..

She was taken aback upon seeing my reply, yet she gave an instant smile (her trademark smile)

"Romeo" she whispered looking at me

& i whispered back "Juliet" starting back at her

[ To be cont.. ]

It is not in the stars to hold our destiny but in ourselves.

2010-07-05T03:59:00.001+08:00

10 habits of happy couples

Are you looking for ways to improve your relationship with your spouse? Here are a few healthy habits of happy couples, according to the Times of India.

#1 Go to bed at the same time
Remember the early days of your relationship when you couldn’t wait to get into bed with each other to make love? Happy couples resist the temptation to go to bed at different times. They go to bed at the same time, even if one wakes up later to do things while their partner sleeps.

#2 Cultivate common interests
After the passion simmers, it is common to realise that you have few interests in common. Try to home in on those common interests and do things together and enjoy each other's company at the same time. Don’t underestimate the importance of couple activities, however few they are.

If common interests are absent, happy couples take time to develop them. But be sure to cultivate interests of your own; this will make you more interesting to your mate and prevent you from appearing too dependent.

#3 Walk hand in hand or side by side
Rather than one partner lagging or dragging behind the other, happy couples walk comfortably hand in hand or side by side. They know it’s more important to be with their partner than to see the sights along the way.

#4 Make trust and forgiveness a default mode
Whenever there is a misunderstanding or when two cannot agree on an issue, do you bear grudges and build up ammunition against each other?

Refrain from doing that as it only makes solving problems difficult.

If a disagreement or an argument cannot be resolved, happy couples default to trusting and forgiving and reset the relationship from there, instead of keeping count of faults.

#5 Focus more on what your partner does right than what he or she does wrong
If you look for things your partner does wrong, you can always find something. If you look for what he or she does right, you can always find something, too. It all depends on what you want to look out for and focus on. Happy couples accentuate the positive and affirm that in each other.

#6 Hug each other as soon as you see each other after work
Our skin has a memory of “good touch” (loved), “bad touch” (abused) and “no touch” (neglected).

Couples who say hello with a hug keep their skin bathed in the “good touch” can inoculate your spirit against anonymity in the world. One is reassured of love and belonging.

#7 Say “I love you” and “Have a good day” every morning
This is a great way to buy some patience and tolerance as each partner sets out each day to battle traffic jams, long lines and other annoyances.

#8 Say “Good night” every night, regardless of how you feel
This tells your partner that, regardless of how upset you are with him or her, you still want to be in the relationship. It says that what you and your partner have is bigger than any single upsetting incident.

#9 Do a “weather” check during the day
Call your partner at home or at work to see how his or her day is going. This is a great way to adjust expectations so that you’re more in sync when you connect after work. For instance, if your partner is having a lousy day, it might be unreasonable to expect him or her to be enthusiastic about something good that happened to you.

#10 Be proud to be seen with your partner
Happy couples are pleased to be seen together and are often in some kind of affectionate contact - hand on hand or hand on shoulder or back. They are not showing off but rather just saying that they belong with each other.

The worst thing to do is to forget to introduce your partner when you bump into a friend or colleague when you're out about town. This sends the wrong signal to your partner that he is not your significant other and you are embarrassed to show him or her off to others.

Happy couples have different habits than unhappy couples.

A habit is a discrete behaviour that you do automatically and that takes little effort to maintain. All it takes is 21 days of daily repetition of a new behaviour so that it becomes a habit. So select one of the behaviours in the list above to work on proactively for 21 days to cultivate a habit that will make you happier as a couple.

And if you fall off the wagon, don’t despair, just apologise to your partner, ask their forgiveness and recommit yourself to getting back in the habit.

2010-07-02T20:23:00.002+08:00

1, be positive under pressure.
2, sensitive to needs of others.
3, peacemakers and not troublemaker.
4, patience.
5, prayful.

2010-07-02T10:57:00.000+08:00

According to you I'm stupid, I'm useless
I can't do anything right
According to you I'm difficult, hard to please
Forever changing my mind

I'm a mess in a dress, can't show up on time
Even if it would save my life
According to you, according to you

But according to him I'm beautiful, incredible
He can't get me out of his head
According to him I'm funny, irresistible
Everything he ever wanted

Everything is opposite, I don't feel like stopping it
So baby tell me what I got to lose
He's into me for everything I'm not
According to you

According to you I'm boring, I'm moody
And you can't take me any place
According to you I suck at telling jokes
'Cause I always give it away

I'm the girl with the worst attention span
You're the boy who puts up with that
According to you, according to you

But according to him I'm beautiful, incredible
He can't get me out of his head
[ Orianthi Lyrics are found on www.songlyrics.com ]
According to him I'm funny, irresistible
Everything he ever wanted

Everything is opposite, I don't feel like stopping it
So baby tell me what I got to lose
He's into me for everything I'm not
According to you

I need to feel appreciated
Like I'm not hated, oh no
Why can't you see me through his eyes?
It's too bad, you're making me dizzy

But according to me you're stupid, you're useless
You can't do anything right

But according to him I'm beautiful, incredible
He can't get me out of his head
According to him I'm funny, irresistible
Everything he ever wanted

Everything is opposite, I don't feel like stopping it
Baby tell me what I got to lose
He's into me for everything I'm not
According to you, you
According to you, you

According to you I'm stupid, I'm useless
I can't do anything right

2010-06-28T23:48:00.002+08:00

Things to remember daily!
1. Start the day right and happy.
2. Live today as today.
3. Don't let yesterday affect today.
4. Always End the day right and sweet.

2010-06-26T02:07:00.001+08:00

"Never let someone hurt you twice. Giving a second chance is exposing yourself to be hurt again. But do you know why people always give others chances ? Cause you've given him the idea that no matter how much he/she hurt you, you'd still accept him/her all over again"

2010-06-21T12:20:00.001+08:00

1 “Take heed that you do not do your charitable deeds before men, to be seen by them. Otherwise you have no reward from your Father in heaven. 2 Therefore, when you do a charitable deed, do not sound a trumpet before you as the hypocrites do in the synagogues and in the streets, that they may have glory from men. Assuredly, I say to you, they have their reward. 3 But when you do a charitable deed, do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing, 4 that your charitable deed may be in secret; and your Father who sees in secret will Himself reward you openly.

2010-06-20T23:05:00.001+08:00

Do Not worry.

25 “Therefore I say to you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink; nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food and the body more than clothing? 26 Look at the birds of the air, for they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? 27 Which of you by worrying can add one cubit to his stature?
28 “So why do you worry about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin; 29 and yet I say to you that even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. 30 Now if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is, and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will He not much more clothe you, O you of little faith?
31 “Therefore do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 32 For after all these things the Gentiles seek. For your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things. 33 But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you. 34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.

2010-06-16T00:04:00.003+08:00

Through waves and billows o'er me roll
In crushing floods of ill,
Within the haven of God's love
My soul is anchored still.

"In You,Lord, I have taken refuge"

2010-05-31T22:11:00.003+08:00

AC Is OVER !

great time over this period.
know great friends from hong kong too!

the only downside, the queneing!

hearts won't sway because of words if there's true love.

2010-05-27T00:27:00.003+08:00

went dempsey for ben&jerry, for the first time someone treated me to ice cream! haah! it sure was great. fattening though, eating ice cream at late night. after that went west coast park talk talk chill chill, see another person is surprised about me. i ain't the typical guys afterall. enjoyed myself!
man u sure cast a spell on me, memories everywhere yet again.

i overslept! i miss the first half of ac! ARGH .
nevertheless,
i love the preaching by pastor kong.

i felt i can relate to it .

despite all of what i am doign right now, i am still very into You.
nobody knows this side of me. i may not look like i'm it nor i care to show people about it.
but i talks to Him all the time.
day and night without fail.
not even you know about all this.

Don't be too arrogant, be modest with your emotions.

2010-05-18T12:31:00.002+08:00

my body is so out of shape. been back to carrying weights once again.
it's gonna take some time.
damn that 25k barbell.

i reinjured my knee ):
sigh. everything keep recurring and recurring, physically,mentally.

and

ps: i dont like the hot&cold.